In the nuts, In the nuts, Kick a little bit harder
by Dhragonis-Slytherin
Summary: James has a secret. Apart from being a pureblood raised in the wizarding world, he and his family also lived as "Muggles" in the Muggle world. Jasper Hartwell (James' Muggle counterpart) just so happens to Lily Evans' childhood bestfriend; all while Lily is none the wiser. How will James win Lily's love while keeping his secret a secret? JamesxLily, Jily AU Marauder Era HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

**Date Posted: 7th May 2010**

**A/N - My first fic peoples, so please be a bit more lenient. This entire fic is mostly just comedy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own HP. JK Rowling does. If I did, I would not be publishing here nor would I have such crap ****E****nglish.**

* * *

"Please Lily? Just one date. One date is all I ask,"

"No! Get it through that thick empty skull of yours Potter. I. Do. NOT. Like. You."

"So that's a maybe?"

"Arghh! I am so gonna hex you to next Tuesday. No, Friday! A no is a no! Now get off your arse and go do something useful like jumping off the Astronomy Tower or something!"

"So if I jump of the Astronomy Tower you'll kiss me?"

"Sod off, Potter! I'd rather kiss the boys toilet seat before I kiss you!"

James had a look for contemplation for a moment; right before his eyes lit up...and transfigured himself into a toilet seat.

"So you'll kiss me now?"

Everyone in the common room stared at him with a strange concoction of disgust, shock and incredibility. Remus just shook his head in shame and wondered why he was bestfriends with such an idiot whilst Sirius was trying to flirt with yet another seventh year.

"You know, hearing a toilet seat asking me to snog him is quite expectably creepy," Lily stated, still staring at James (the toilet seat) looking kinda green.

James transformed back, figuring it was not working.

"I guess you don't exactly want to snog me right now..."

Lily gave James a *you think?* look and Remus started on his book again, thinking James had finally grew some brains.

"So how about you kiss me tomorrow inst-"

*Thump*

James was now on the floor in a fetal position holding on a certain part of his anatomy.

"She aims, she shoots, she scores! James 0, Lily 1," commentated Sirius.

Remus just began banging his head on the table, in disbelief that he had such idiotic clotpoles for bestfriends.

"You know Moony, I don't even know why Prongs is so desperate for Lily anyway. He can get any girl and the school and he has to choose the most violent and temperamental red head in the world. She isn't even that hot anyway. Monnique Greengrass has a much larger set of racks. Lily's aren't even that big an-"

*Thump*

Remus sighed, "James 0, Sirius 0, Lily 2," they were idiots alright. Idiots albeit now probably impotent idiots. What am I gonna do with them?

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**A/N - Did you like it so far? Please R&R and tell me what you think about it. If there are any mistakes, pls tell me so I can address it. The next chapter will be a bit longer. I'll try to update about once a week.**

**Thank you very much!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Date Posted: 7th May 2010**

**A/N - Thank you for reading. I updated much earlier than intended but something changed my plans.**

Has anyone ever wondered why James was so in love with Lily even though time after time she had rejected him, slapped him, cursed him, jinxed him, poured ice-cold water on him, poured boiling-hot water on him, and even ever so rarely (frequently) gently (violently) kicked him in the nuts. And yet not once, has James ever shown any sign of hating her for it or diverting his attention to other women. Miraculous really, seeing the amount of conspicuous flirting and deliberately half-opened blouses headed his way.

So why did James so unconditionally love Lily Evans? And why did Lily Evans so blatantly hate James? I mean, she literally loathed him minutes after meeting for the first time on the Hogwarts Express right?

To understand James' morbid love for Lily, one must venture back a few years through time. Contrary to popular belief, unknown to even Lily herself and the rest of the Marauders, the first time James met Lily was neither on the Hogwarts Express, nor on the boat ride across the Black Lake, nor was it during the feast in the Great Hall. In fact, it was long before the beginning of Hogwarts or when Lily even know about magic.

The Potter Family, being the rich and old purebloods they were, were in possession of quite a few properties. Charlus and Dorea Potter favoured a particular house in which they chose to raise James in. The Potter Surrey Home was a humble abode in muggle Britain. In attempt to learn about muggles and their way of life, Charlus and Dorea decided to move into the muggle home, take on muggle jobs and leave James in a muggle day-care centref. As this was fairly unusual, to avoid criticism and unwanted media, they wore glamours, took on muggle names as aliases and tried to appear regularly in magical towns as to not raise suspicion.

Being raised in muggle Little Whinging, James received his primary education there, he had fluent knowledge of both worlds; he could pull off being a muggle or a wizard without seeming awkward.**(A/N this is fanfiction. I'm allowed to bend things.)**He always knew of his wizarding background of course and knew about the magical world like any other magical kid his age and still lived in the magical Potter Manor on weekends and attended Quidditch games amongst other things. He had been briefed not to tell the muggles about the magical world as it was a secret. It was here, in the muggle world, at a muggle day-care centre, under a muggle pseudonym, that he met the supposed muggle, Lily Evans.

They were best of friends. From preschool through to year 6. **(A/N that is based of the Australian school system. I don't know how other countries do it) **At that time, neither he nor Lily realise she was magical. James did not tell Lily about magic, James did not teach Lily magic, and James did not tell Lily what his real name was. Lily merely knew him as a blue-eyed, dark blonde, fair-skinned boy by the name of Jasper Hartwell.

**Flashback JamesPOV**

I would never admit it, but I was nervous. I started late, halfway through the year, due to our holidays in Greece. Everybody already had friends; they didn't seem to need a stranger in their group. I became saddened. I didn't want to be a loner, all by myself without friends. I wish we didn't go on that stupid holiday. Greece wasn't even that fun anyway. They only had really, really big buildings, detailed sculptures and brilliant food...ok, maybe Greece was great.

"Do you want to draw with me?" asked a gentle voice, bringing me out of my self-induced melancholy. She had a soft, kind face framed with vibrant, fiery red hair. A stunning set of shimmering emeralds amplified by her delicate long lashes, enhancing her creamy white skin. She was overall, very cute.

"But don't you already have friends? Why would you still wanna play with me?"

"Come on. I'm always happy to make new friends - you can't possibly be as boring as Marcus."

"Hey! I heard that, Lils!" exclaimed one of the boys also drawing.

"Well, if you're fine with it...ok then." I said as she dragged me off to the drawing corner by the hand.

We sat down and drew. I drew a flaming dragon fighting a herd of manticores in the middle of a forest.

"What did you draw?" asked Lily.

"A dragon and a...er...candypaw!" I blurted, couldn't quite tell her about magical creatures could I? Whilst muggles knew of dragons, they have no idea of manticores.

"Candypaw? Cool! What does it do?"

"It shoots candy like bullets from its paws." I should be a fiction author if I can't be a Quidditch player; I'm a absolute natural.

"Wow! What other creatures live in this forest?"

and the day went on, leading to some the sad deformation to many poor creatures including Pimple-thorned Snotknacks, Fatgrowmantulas, Blubberworms and Flippopliffs just to name a few.

**End Flashback**

Whilst the others were welcoming to him as well, no-one could ever beat Lily. After the first day, they continued to enjoy each others precence. Bestfriends and classmates all through to the end of primary school.

But he felt like he was lying to her. For all those years, he was worried she would find out about the glamours and magic and feel betrayed, or not want to be his friend because he was a wizard. The years of guilt built up, but he could never tell her, a secret was a secret, and the magical world was one _big _secret.

So James did the only thing he thought would make him feel better. He played with Lily, always shared all the toys and food with her, listened to her, gave her presents and tried to do anything to please her. And each and every day, he would find himself just that little more in love with Lily. So the day his Hogwarts letter came, he was devastated; happy but devastated. Happy that he had been accepted in the most prestigious magical school in all of UK. But deeply saddened by the thought of leaving Lily.

The next day, when he walked over to Lily's house and pick her and her sister Petunia up and walked together to school and tell her that he was moving to some foreign country, imagine his surpise when she talked about receiving a letter to attend Hogwarts. He was so happy, he nearly blurted out that he was a wizard. But then he got scared. If Lily knew he was going to Hogwarts, then undoubtedly she would find out about the mask he had been under for so long. James wouldn't be able to stand the thought of Lily hating him. He couldn't help but cringe under the hurt betrayed expression on Lily's face if he told her.

No. Jasper Hartwell will forever remain as Lily's muggle friend from Little Whinging. James Potter, will instead take the role of bestfriend at Hogwarts. If she were to ever find out, she would hate him...well, more than she did now anyway, he didn't quite think his more sensitive organ could take many more kicks.

So if Jasper and Lily were such good friends before Hogwarts, and Jasper was James, how did Lily come to hate James?

**Flashback JamesPOV**

"Come on, Sirius! There's only one more carriage left," I hurried him along.

As purebloods and heir to their families, Sirius and I have met on many occasions, usually at Pureblood Balls. Neither of us really enjoyed such formal occasions, so we usually just wondered around (got into mischief). During the process, Sirius and I had become bestfriends. This friendship grew even stronger when I learnt of the horrible treatment Sirius suffered Walburga and Orion Black. We were more than bestfriends; we were brothers in all but blood.

"Why are we even going through all these carriages? You have any damn idea how long the Hogwarts express is?" he complained.

"Well considering you and I have just walked along the whole length, I would assume so," Honestly, Sirius could be such a nut-head sometimes.

I opened the door to the last carriage and peeked through every compartment. And in the last one, I found her...hugging some greasy git.

"Oh my god, Sev! This is so amazing! I walked right through this barrier and ended up in front of this beautiful scarlet red train! And I saw a bunch of third years repair a broken glass! The chocolate frogs even move! This is so much better than you told me! Thank you SO much Sev! Without you, I would have probably fainted and be lying on the ground somewhere! I love you!" exaggerated Lily, locking Severus in a tight embrace!

I felt a heart wrenching pang of sadness with a tinge of jealousy rising up my throat. I was supposed to be her bestfriend. Not some other idiot. Has that bastard ever heard of manners and etiquette, hugging a girl like that in public? Talk about PDA! I cast a mild stinging hex at him, just enough to get him to let go off his Lily; I always had had a good control of my magic, even before Hogwarts or wandlessly; what can I say, I'm a very talented wizard.

"Ow! Hey, what's your problem? Don't go around hexing people! That hurt!" howled Severus.

"Says you, you slimy bastard. Have you ever heard of shampoo? 'cause you sure need some. How about a couple hundred bottles you jerk?"

That did it. Severus jumped at me. Both he and I crashed to the ground with a loud thump. He threw a punch at me and cracked my glasses. I could here Lily screaming for us to stop in the background and Sirius' booming voice chanting approval.

"You walloping wanker!"

"Thimble-brained twat!"

"Fairy-prancing prat!"

"Puckered-mouth plonker!"

"Stupid, slimy smeghead!"

"Pea-brained pillock!"

"Greasy-git!"

"Tongue -tosser!"

I retaliated by breaking his nose, causing him to shrink back, creating a huge opening. Taking advantage of it, I kicked him in the ribs and did a arm lock, forcing him to the ground. Suddenly, a fist connected to my face - it was Lily.

I froze. Lily...hit me? I felt my eyes tearing, not because my nose was broken, not because of all the bruising on my arm, or the throbbing of my ribs, but the shock of betrayal. Does Lily..h-hate me? Lily...would hit me...for HIM? I mindlessly walked out of the in confusion and depression. I need to be alone. Think things over. Calm down.

**End Flashback**

I felt the sting of tears resurface in my eyes, but I forced them back. That had been the first time Lily had ever hit me other than playful banter. Afterwards at the feast, after I had composed myself, I tried to apologise and make amends to Lily. But she wouldn't listen. She was still angry. Lily always had had a temper; but I liked it, it matched her fiery red hair. I continuously reassured myself that she couldn't possibly hate me and be (what I interpreted as) bestfriends at the same time...I was proven wrong when she kneed me in the nuts.

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**A/N - Please R&R. I do not mind constructive criticism, but avoid flames please.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Date Posted: 7th May 2010**

**Disclaimer: I do not own HP nor do I make any money from this.**

**RemusPOV**

I woke up to the singing of the birds, rusting of leaves, the chirping of insects…and the roaring snore of Sirius. All of Hogwarts has attempted their strongest silencing charms in hope of conquering his monstrous snore...and all have failed. All of Gryffindor tower woke up to this sound every day, and not one of them could cast an effective enough charm. Alas, not even Flitwick, McGonagall and Dumbledore himself were unable to silence him. Talk about raising the dead.

I diverted my line of vision to James. I could still see tears trailing from his eyes. Last night, I could hear him sobbing in his dreams, desperately crying for Lily to forgive him. I feel sorry for him much of the time, not only as a friend or fellow male, but I can tell he truly loves Lily; albeit expresses it the wrong way nine million percent of the time. Can't he see that he's trying to impress Lily in all the wrong ways? Honestly, I have never met anyone dumber!

*SNORE*

...I stand corrected...

Sigh. I proceeded to wake the others; there's only one way to wake a Marauder…raising hell. For normal people, nicking the bed sheets, violent shaking, cold water, loud, annoying and blaring sounds usually did the trick. Not for the Marauders. They were practically a different species (well, I'm a werewolf, but that's beside the point.)

Waking up Marauders is a long, frustrating, painstaking job. It required skill, finesse, a hell lot of patience and earplugs; otherwise, you'll make yourself deaf before you wake them up. Usually, the entire Gryffindor tower woke up before these three lazy leeches. I really need to consider changing dorms – maybe Ravenclaw? Yes, peace and quiet, shelf after shelf of books, people who understand my passion for books and knowledge, and most importantly – no deafening snoring first thing in the morning!

A smile grew on my face as I thought about my friends. Well, they're not that bad, sure they have a lot of flaws and faults...my smile drooped as I thought of all the stupid things they have done, from drunken cross-dressing, to trying dog food - you name it, they've done it; but they are the bestfriends anyone could ever ask for, especially a werewolf.

I conjured three buckets of ice cold water, earmuffs, alarm clocks, sound amplifiers and enough pots and pans to make an Eiffel Tower replica.

3...

2...

1...

***BOOM***

***BANG***

***CRASH***

***CLATTER***

***CLANG***

***POW***

***WHAM***

***WHACK***

...

*SNORE~*

Looks like it's the last resort...

*Deep breath*

"OH MY GOD! JAMES! SIRIUS! YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR THE QUIDDITCH MATCH!"

"JAMES! LILY IS WAITING IN THE COMMON ROOM BEGGING FOR YOU TO MARRY HER!"

"SIRIUS! THERE'S A REALLY HOT CHICK WITH A HUGE SET OF RACKS OUTSIDE ASKING FOR YOU!"

"GET UP PETER! MRS. NORRIS IS HERE!"

They all shot up from bed faster than a bullet. These guys seriously have a one-track mind. *sweatdrop*

"I always knew you were just playing hard to get Lily! I'll take you to Hogsmeade right after I win this game for you! Wait for me my beautiful Lily flower!" guess who.

"Should I wear clothes? School robes, a bathrobe, boxer, briefs or just be natural? " do you even have to ask?

*Squeak*

"Get her away from me! Help! She's gonna eat me! I can't die yet! I have yet to betray and frame you guys!" said a certain filthy bastard…well, maybe he didn't exactly say that last part…but you know he wants to!

I stare blankly at my bestfriends.

Just another average day in the life of a Marauder.

* * *

**LilyPOV**

I was happily enjoying my book wearing a set of muggle earmuffs to block out the sound of Remus trying to wake up his friends. Poor guy. Such a nice person like Remus doesn't deserve this. I don't even know why he's friends with those nutcases. He's so much more sensible and smarter.

He seemed to be done, since I couldn't here anymore noise pollution (they're so loud I can hear them through the muffs).

I snuggled into the comfortable armchair and returned to my book, captivated by its fascinating knowledge. Turning the page, I followed the timeline on the discovery of the twelve uses of dragon blood and took a sip of steaming hot tea, just the way I like it. Everything was so peaceful first thing in the morning. Just perfect.

"Lily! I knew you loved me! We can go to Hogsmeade after the match and ask Madame Rosemerta to marry us straight away! Everyone, Lily and I are getting married!" He merrily announced.

I spurted out the tea I was drinking and got it all over the book. Great, Madame Pince is gonna kill me.

"Lily flower! I'm so glad you agreed. When do you want to pick out the dress? Who's your bride's maid? Are your parents coming? Would you rather have an emerald ring or diamond? Personally, I think the emerald matches your eyes better, but you women seem to like diamonds. I know! How abo-"

*thump*

"James 0, Lily 2," broadcasted Sirius.

"James 0, Sirius 0, Lily 3," corrected Remus.

"What the hell is wrong with you Potter?" I screamed, "I thought we went through this last night, and every other day since we started Hogwarts. I-DO-NOT-LIKE-YOU! I-AM-NOT-MARRYING-YOU! I-_HATE_-YOU! In fact, I'd rather sooner date Sirius before dating you!"

"Hey! You make it sound like it's a bad thing dating me. I'll have you know, you'd be lucky if I dated you. Women come in flocks to just see me. Then there's this 5' 3" waiting list to snog me in the broomcloset, and a 16' 9" parchment to be my girlfriend for the week. Not that I can blame them, being as hot as I am. Just last night I wa-"

*thump*

"James 0, Sirius 0, Lily 4," inserted Remus.

**JamesPOV**

Whilst I hobbled to the Great Hall I thought about Lily. She's so perfect. It's just like her not to take any shit from anybody, but god does she kick hard. The first time she showed she hated me, I felt so dejected. This feeling continued for a while, sometimes I still feel it hard, but I have mostly come to accept that Lily Evans hates James Potter. Whilst Jasper and Lily may be bestfriends, but she loathes James even though we are the same person. But I took it; I accepted it, and worked by Lily's wants and rules. If Lily didn't want to be friends with James, then James and Lily wouldn't be friends. This of course didn't mean I didn't constantly try to change her mind. In fact, right after the incident on the train in first year, I tried to improve her image of me by pleasing her.

**Flashback JamesPOV**

If there was one thing I knew Lily loved, it was lasagna. Whilst she wasn't looking, I switched her salad with a plate of lasagna. She was too busy talking to the girl next to her, Alice I believe her name was, to notice, and just forked a portion and stuffed it in her mouth. Her eyes hardened and she spat it out.

"Who the hell swapped my salad with a plate of lasagna!" she demanded.

"He did it." accused some girl, pointing towards me.

"Potter! I am _so _going to hurt you!" she spat murderously.

"Why are you so angry? It's just a plate of lasagna." I reasoned, totally perplexed. Can a person turn from mass addiction to lasagna to despising it in a span of a fortnight?

"I'm a bloody vegetarian!" she screamed through her teeth.

"Er…Ooops? Isn't it ironic you said bloody vegetarian? Ha-hah?" I laughed shakily, I was toast. I don't see her for two weeks and she turns into a vegetarian. What are the chances of that?

**End Flashback**

That basically glued, nailed, sealed, drilled and screwed Lily's hatred for James permanently in memory. He had tried other ways to apologise, but it always ended up backfiring.

He tried buying her a small trinket in the form of a modest necklace, but she accused him of being a spoilt brat, trying to buy her friendship, and thinking that money can buy everything. He was about to explain himself, but she threw the necklace at him, conveniently landing inside his mouth and got swallowed into the stomach. Madame Promfrey extracted it from his stomach, but he still had a horrible stomach ache, on the day of the Halloween Feast too!

James also tried giving her a bird display by freeing a huge flock of doves (her favourite type of bird) at the same time, but they somehow ended up pooping all over her. She hexed him. He resided in the hospital for a week after that. Ouch.

Of course there were other attempts, some better than others…most worse, and many too embarrassing to mention. But they all had one thing in common. They failed.

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**A/N - Was this better than previous chapters? Or am I still a total failiure? Please R&R.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Date Posted: 7th May 2010**

**Disclaimer: I don't own HP. **

* * *

*Omph*

"Watch where you're going Mr. Potter."

I looked up and saw the perpetually stern face of McGonagall.

"Yeah. Sorry McGonagall. I was err…distracted by my thoughts."

"Well, let there be no next time. Now that you are no longer daydreaming about…whatever teenage boys daydream about, I seem to recall you having an overdue essay due, and assignment, and assessment and not to mention they day you _accidentally _tripped and had to go to the Hospital Wing _just _before the test and took an entire period to return." She listed, (insert sceptical eyebrow, god that creeps me out)

"Well, there were a lot of people in line for Madame Pomfrey…" I tried explaining.

"Really? Well, the excuse I seem to recall you gaving me yesterday was, and I quote, "I was heading to the Grand Staircase when, I saw these poor lost first years, being the good kind-hearted and handsome fifth year I am, I helped them to their class. **(A/N I don't really know the structure of Hogwarts. Just go with it) **Imagine my surprise when they were going to the DADA Towers, all the way on the other side and up past the seven floors of Hogwarts**. **After kindly guiding them to DADA, they thanked me and asked for autographs ('cause I was so dashingly good-looking). I was about to head to the Hospital Wing when I saw poor Mrs. Norris with a scorched tail. Taking pity on her, I immediately rushed to Hagrid's. Obviously, with him living near the Forbidden Forest, It took a while. Finally after all that was accomplished, I thought I could finally get to the Hospital Wing, however, fate decided not to give me a break today and lead me to a lost Potions Book. Once again, my conscience and kindness (and not to mention my devilishly good-looks) would not let me just leave it there. So I went on a grand crusade to find the poor owner the book." She quoted with the last of her breath.

"…"

"Well? Is that not what you said?"

"Yes? Er, I mean yes! I did guide a bunch of first years to the Astronomy Tower-

"DADA Tower Mr. Potter."

"…yeah…"

"Right Mr. Potter, I expect to see you at Transfiguration on time. No exceptions!"

"Sir Yes Sir! I mean yes McGonagall." I nervously tried to get away before she could reprimand me. Too late.

"Oh, and Mr. Potter, you missed out on learning how to transfigure water into butterbeer."

"Damn!"

"What was that Mr. Potter?"

"Nothing. I…err…said…grand! I said how grand!"

"Good to hear. Now run along before you run into another bunch of 'poor' lost first years."

I didn't need another invitation.

* * *

"May Prohngz! Wut doog sho lonk? Oll te bood iz hery kon!" stumbled Sirius, speedily gulping down another plate of bacon and eggs.

"He means, "Hey Prongs! What took so long? All the food is nearly gone!" Maybe the food wouldn't be all gone if you'd stop inhaling it!" translated Moony, whacking Sirius upside in the head.

"I admire your ability to understand _Sirius-Gobblinggook_. You haven't eaten all the chocolate muffins have you? You know I love the muffins the best!" I complained.

"Don't worry mate, I saved you one from the gluttonous monster over there," consoled Moony.

"Moony! I knew I like you the best!"

"Hey! What about me? I thought I was your bestfriend!"

"Go back to stuffing your mouth blubber-face!"

"Fine. Don't be my bestfriend. Don't come running back to me begging when you realize just what a sad lonely person you are. See if I, the great, sexy, hot, handsome, smexy, attractive, divine, sexy, godly, uber-sexy, beau-"

"He's not listening," said a stupid rat.

James was too busy talking to Remus.

"Damn!" cursed Sirus.

* * *

**JamesPOV**

"Moony."

"Yes mate?"

"You know the day I missed the Transfiguration test?"

"If you mean the day you jigged the Transfiguration test then yes, I know of it."

"Could you please lend me your notes on changing water to beerbutter? Please?" I begged.

"Huh? What notes? You can't conjure or transfigure food. Have you forgotten Gamp's Law of Transfiguration?"

"Gramps' Law of Transfiguration? Wow! I didn't know your grandfather made a law of transfiguration! Good brains must run in the family huh?"

"Oh I give up!"

"So can I have your notes or not?"

"Ugh!" *bang* *bang* *bang*

"Remus, would you stop banging your head on the table. You nearly spilt my milk."

"Lily flower! Have I told you how beautiful you are today? Not that you're not usually not beautiful. But you're just mor-"

*splash*

"Wow. Me, soaked in Lily's drunken milk. I guess this makes it an indirect kiss huh? Lily-flower! I always knew you loved me! How about a direct kis-"

*splat*

And that ladies and gentleman, is how James ended up having a whole plate of scrambled eggs in his face.

"Mmmm. Pass the pepper would you Peter? I taste good."

"Ugh! You are such a prat Potter! I give up! Shouting at you makes my throat sore." Screamed Lily.

"Do you want me to kiss it better?"

*squelch*

"Yum. Baked beans."

"Argh! I hate you Potter! Go to hell and frickn' die!"

"You know what Moony? I recon she likes me."

"Yes, Prongs. There's nothing more romantic than throwing a plate of food at your lover's face."

Suddenly, a snowy white owl flew in with a letter, landing write in front of Lily.

Her frown turned upside down, leading to a smile growing on my face too. If Lily was happy, then I was happy too.

**LilyPOV**

That owl, it's a letter from Jasper. When I was explain to Jasper about Hogwarts, he surprised me, claiming his aunt was a muggleborn witch. And whilst he admitted he did not know much about the magical world, or have magical powers, he said he could still manage to owl me once or twice a week with his aunt's owl, Artemis.

_Dear Lily,_

_I apologise for not writing sooner. The stupid teachers decided to hand us an assignment first day back at school. I have never hated Deoxyribonucleic Acid more than I have now. How was your first week back at school? It's pretty cold here, I can only imagine how much colder it is up there in Scotland, rainy too._

_So is James still trying to catch your attention? Why don't you give him a chance? If he's been going after you since first year and never looked at a girl since, doesn't that prove he really does love you? If not, at least it'll shut him up for a while. You have nothing to lose._

_I have always told you, "Look underneath, the underneath." Things may not always be what they first appear to be. First impressions can be misleading. Have you ever thought why James acts the way he does? Have you ever tried to look past his faults? Look past what you see; look deeper; look underneath, the underneath._

_I am sorry for going off like that, but what I think you need to do is reconsider some of your perceptions of him. But enough's enough._

_Are you happy at Hogwarts? Nobody is bullying or calling you names are they? Cause I swear, if anyone dare lays a hand on you, I'll beat them so hard, their grandchildren will feel it (if they can have them in the first place. If.) How are Alice and Euphemia? One day, I really have to meet them and thank them for looking after you; I'm so glad you have two such delightful ladies as bestfriends. Treat them well; such loyalty is hard to come by._

_I am always looking over you, whether you know it or not. If you ever need help, just call for me, and I will always come for you. Always. I am always, _always_ thinking of you._

_Missing you dearly,_

_Jasper Hartwell_

Maybe Jasper was right. Maybe James wasn't that bad. Sure he was annoying, but at least he's not a playboy. I craned my neck to get a look at Potter…to see him trying to lick baked-beans on the tip of his nose with his tongue. Disgusting! What _was_ I _thinking_? Urgh!

"What a sweet boyfriend, though, he's the only one I've ever seen to suggest to their girlfriend to date another guy," said Euphemia Flint, my pureblooded bestfriend. She had three older siblings anyway, so they didn't mind as much, she'd never be the heir.

"He's not my boyfriend. He's just a normal friend." I blushed, though the thought did disappoint me a bit, but quickly hid it. Too late.

"So you DO want him to be your boyfriend. I knew it! No other straight woman could reject someone as hot as Potter without batting an eyelash, even the ones already taken. Either you already had a boyfriend, or swing the other way," theorized Euphie. Euphemia was just too long and too formal.

"OR she just hates James," Alice added her two cents.

"I always knew I loved you Alice." I praised with gratitude.

"Sorry Lils, I'm straight," I scowled at her, "Don't look at me like that. I still don't get why you hate him. I would kill to have a boyfriend that hot and so into me. He's obviously over the moon for you. You could even just date him and dump him if you wanted to. I don't think he'll hold even the slightest resentment towards you, judging by the way he worships you."

"Alice! What would Frank say if he heard that?" I admonished.

"You go tiger!" cheered Euphie, "Rawrr!"

"No bad influence!" I reprimanded.

"Hey, Lily."

I turned around and saw my longtime bestfriend Sev, (a girl can have more than one bestfriend can't she?)

"Hi Sev!" I greeted.

"I told you not to call me that in public. It ruins my image you know," he muttered under his breath.

"Sorry _Mr. Snape."_

He just rolled his eyes.

"C'mon. Slughorn told us to get to the potions lab earlier today to help prepare," he reminded.

"Yeah, thanks Sev," I smiled.

He just scowled at the familiarity, but said nothing. He really is just a big softy inside, no matter the perpetual frown carved to his face.

* * *

**JamesPOV**

"Right class, today, we are brewing Amortentia, better known as Love Potion. Now, can anyone tell me what a person under Amortentia looks like or how they tend to act?" asked Slughorn, "Yes Miss Evans."

"One under the influence of Amortentia appears pale and sickly. They also tend to show exceeding obsession with the object of their affections, as if they were an angel on earth or something. Many become extremely excited or dangerous towards others."

_As expected from my beautiful Lily; so intelligent._

"Perfect. Five points to Gryffindor, Miss Evans," acclaimed Slughorn.

"Know-it-all mudblood," snarled some slimy Slytherin. How dare he say that about my Liliy-kins. That wanker!

I turned back to Lily, slightly concerned. She just ignored the pea-brains and pretended she didn't hear it. I knew she wouldn't be affected, she was used to it and she had never really cared about what other's thought of her. I smile just a little, alleviated of my worries.

I still remember the day me and Lily went to the movies for her 10th birthday.

**Flashback JamesPOV**

Lily and I had just finished watching an action comedy film_, _when we bumped into Tod Willis, our school bully.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here? A pimp and his whore, why am I not surprised?" he

I was about to pound him in the face, but Lily placed a hand on my arm and simply walked away, ignoring the stupid bastard.

"What are you? Yellow-bellied cowards? Just walking away are you?" he continued to provoke.

Lily just continued to leave, dragging me along with her. My respect for Lily grew.

**End Flashback**

"What are you staring at, Potter?" snapped Lily.

"Sorry, just thinking about you." I didn't even realise I was staring at her.

"More like undressing me with your eyes," she scoffed. She really doesn't like me, does she? I was a bit disheartened, but this was nothing new, it doesn't mean it felt any better though. Thinking the worst of me, how things were so much different as Jasper. Makes me wish I could tell her right now, but I can't, she would hate me for lying to her. Sometimes I wish I could just get over this guilt. Well, who said life was easy?

"Yes Love," I simply said.

She glared, "You sicken me." Somehow, I just didn't feel the energy to retort, and went back to my potion.

"Prongs, what's up? You look like someone's told you prank stores were banned for life!" Padfoot said, "Speaking of pranking, we need to do one. How about dying the entire school's robes, underwear and all in fluro pink? We can even do a special tribute to Snivellus and hang him in the middle of the Great Hall in nothing but pink lingerie!" He giggled to himself, no doubt thinking about going through girls' lingerie. That pervert.

"Whatever Pads, let's just finish this potion for now shall we?"

"You're no fun," he sulked.

Just then, I saw a bunch of sodding Slytherins throw something in Lily's cauldron. I reached for my wand in attempt to stop it, but it was too late, and the cauldron exploded.

Lily looked around and saw the wand in my hand pointing towards her cauldron.

"JAMES HAROLD POTTER! YOU SODDING WANKER! HOW **DARE **YOU RUIN MY POTION! YOU CLAIM YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS, BUT YOU'RE ONE SICK BASTARD, EXPLODING OTHER'S HARD WORK, BULLING OTHERS! I AM GOING TO **KILL **YOU!"

"Mr. Potter! 30 points from Gryffindor for sabotaging another's potion! Now put that wand away before I snap it," demanded Slughorn.

All the Gryffindors glowered at me for losing them points.

"But-" I stopped half-way, broken by Lily's glare – such hatred. It made me want to crawl under a rock and die.

"No buts." It was final. I didn't even want to explain. It wouldn't change anything. Lily would still hate me. There was just no point.

I heard the Slytherins snicker in the background.

No point at all…

* * *

**RemusPOV**

I saw the whole scene play out. I looked at James. He looked like he wanted to jump off the Astronomy Tower when Lily accused him.

When Potions ended, I confronted him.

"Why didn't you say anything? I asked James, "You were innocent!"

"It wouldn't have changed anything. Lily would have still hated me. There's no point," he looked down.

"Yes there is. How do you know Lily would still hate you? You didn't do anything!" I exclaimed.

"Of course she would hate me! I'm James Bloody Potter! Lily will always hate me!"

"Why does everything evolve around Lily with you? Can't you just simply explain because you want to be proven innocent? What does that have to do with Lily?" by this stage, I was nearly shouting.

"You don't get it, Remus. To me, Lily _is _everything."

"Then prove it to her!"

"I already tried Remus! I tried!"

"Well, obviously not in the right way since you're at the other end of her wand every sodding second of your life."

"I don't know _how _to befriend her! Everything is wrong. Everything I say, everything I do – it's all wrong!"

"Do it like Jasper then!"

James flinched at the mention of Jasper.

I continued, "I don't get, how Lily can love Jasper and hate you more than soggy toast at the same time, when you're the same- mmph!"

"Do you want the whole _school _to know?" he whispered, "How did you know in the first place? I haven't told _anyone!"_

"Yeah, 'cause it's so hard to hear fifty million parchments of draft love letters being scrunched up every night for the past five years." I rolled my eyes sarcastically.

"But how do you know they weren't simply charms essays?"

I gave him "The Look".

"Well…maybe that is a ridiculous suggestion wasn't it?"

(insert "The Look")

"Right…"

(still "The Look'-ing)

"…"

"The Look"

"…"

"The Look"

"Are you gonna just stare at me all day?"

"The Look"

"Quit it Remus!"

*Whack*

"Oww! You didn't have to whack me at the back of the head!"

"Well you wouldn't stop "The Look"-ing at me!"

"Geez, so picky. Ow! Alright! Alright mate! That hurt!"

"You deserved it."

"Stupid lover-boy." I mumbled at the bottom of my breath.

"I heard that."

"I know."

"…so, since you know, does that mean Sirius and Peter know too?"

"Would Sirius and Peter wake up with a marching band in their dorm?"

"…No."

"Would Sirius and Peter wake up if a herd of dragons decided to break in and wreck havoc at Hogwarts?"

"…No."

"Would Sirius and Peter wake up if you got the Fat Lady to sing with a _Sonorus_ right next to their ear?"

"…No."

"Then do you think they would wake up at the sound of scrunching paper?"

"…that was a stupid question wasn't it?"

"Oh, I've heard worse coming from you and Sirius. I swear you guys have less IQ points than a flobberworm."

"Do flobberworms have high IQ or low IQ?"

"I rest my case."

I watched as James left for the next period.

Well, at least our conversation seemed to cheer him up a bit.

* * *

**LilyPOV**

I can't believe him! How dare he? That no-brained, suck-up, hog-breathed Potter exploded my cauldron! MY cauldron! My PERFECT potion! That JERK!

"Wow Lily. What's got your lacey knickers in a twist?"

"Shut up Alice. I'm not in the mood for it today."

"Someone's moody today. You're not PMS-ing are you? Cause if you are there's this potion I know that can stop severe, temperamental mood-swings."

"No. I'm not PMS-ing." I snapped.

"You sure? 'Cause you sure see-"

"NO, I'M NOT ON MY PERIOD!" I shouted, and apparently I shouted too loud, because the entire hall was staring at me; teachers, boys, girls, owls, cats, ghosts and all; heads turned my way. Oh great! Just what I need, the whole school thinking I'm on my period. Just great! This is all that damned Potter's fault. If I get my hands on him I am going to (%%&^()(&**&%^%#%$$$&O(**&&^&*^%$%$#$%&&*)_(*&&^$%$#&^&&)(*&(&*%$^$#%$^&^$#%#^%^*&%&%^$#%^%^^*(&*&%$#%$#&^^(&*%$&^$#%^^*(&^(*^&$%$#$&^*)(*^%^$#!#!$#%^*((*)(*&&%$%$#%$^^(**(*&I^%$%#^%%^()*_)(*^%&^%$Q#$$&^**(&^%$#$%#$%$

**(A/N - We apologise, for the inconvenience, but the following dialogue has been deemed too graphic to display on and has therefore been censored. Once again we sincerely apologise for any inconveniences this may have caused fellow viewers.)**

%%*&&_(*)*&%$&%$$#$**^%^#$%*&*(%&^$$*((()&*$%^#^%&_)(*&(*^%$#W%$#%()**)I&U^%$#%#^&%&%#%$%*&^(&%^$%$##$*(&*^%#%$#$*&_)*&%&^$%$%$%*(&*)*&$%$%$%(*^&^%#%$$%()**&^&*%$$#$%(*&*(*^%$#$$%(*^%^%$#&^^&*%$^$%#^^&^%$#%##%^^%

**(Just a bit more)**

Y%$^%(**)(&^%^%$#%$(*)(*&^%$%^#%^^&)(&*&%$#$%^&Y(*&%&^$%#$%^&%()*(UY%$^%#$^&(*&^*Y%$#%^&)(*&*%$#$#%%*()(&%$^^&(*&*(^$%$&*)(*&^%$#%#&^*(&*^%$#^%#$&*U*&)*(&^%&^$%#&**(&%^$&^%#$&^^%(*&^%&^%^*&^%

**(Were done…no wait sorry.)**

$#%#$*&*)(*&(*&%%$*(*(&$^%$#&^*_)(*)*&T$#$#$&*I(*)(*&^E%$^&_)(*^%&^$#$&*)(*&$#%^%^&)((*(&$#!$%^&)_P{}(*&^&%$##%^&*(*)&^%$#%^&*(*)(&^%$#%&*^()&%$^#&*(&*%$%$#^&*_)(*&^*&%$#^&&)(&*^&$^$#^&^&*)(&^*&%$$%#$%(*)_)*(&$^%#^&^&*)_(*&*^&%#$W^%&*()*%$%#!$#%^)(*&*^EW$#$%(OP**^#$$%*&(&^%&%^$#^%&^$#^&%*^%$^&$&%^%^&&

**(OK. Done. Phew! Remind me never to get on Lily's bad side. God can that woman swear!)**

"…"

"…"

"…Lily?"

"Yeah Alice?"

"Remind me never to get on your bad side will you?" (Great minds think alike :P)

"Err…yeah…sure…"

* * *

**A/N - This was a bit longer than previous chapters. How was it? R&R please!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Date Posted: 7th May 2010**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. It belongs to JK Rowling.**

Hogwarts was known for many things; be it before or after the legends of James and Lily Potter nee Evans. The house elves, the great food, the Founders, the Black Lake, the Forbidden Forest, the Grand Staircase amongst others. Five however, were the most famous

…and not one of them were positive.

One, it's disgusting name. Honestly, who thought of Hogwarts? Hogs are already gross enough, if you make it a warty hog, that's just even worse.

Next was Mrs Norris, the infamous cat with stalkerish tendencies gave anyone the creeps. Imagine, half-way through making out with your boyfriend/girlfriend after curfew and *coughcough* huh? *coughcough* …still not getting it. *COUGHCOUGH* Oh! Let me rephrase that.  
Imagine, half-way through making out with your boyfriend/girlfriend or girl_friends _if you're Mr. I'm-Sirius-Black-and-I-have-to-rudley-interupt-everyone-to-show-off-the-fact-that-I-can-pick-up-more-than-one-girl-at-a-time-and-am-in-dire-need-for-cough-medicine (There! You happy now! Some people can be such tossers! Go sod off elsewhere! Some of us are trying to narrate here!) and the bloody cat pops out of nowhere and disturbs you and your boy/girlfriend(s).

After, it's Severus Snape's glare. He's so cynical and sarcastic he could make-

"What is that I hear? Detention Dhragonis-Slytherin! For disrespecting a teacher and talking in the middle of class!" **(A/N - I just noticed the initials of my pen name is for Nintendo DS. What does DS stand for anyway?)**

"I'm not in your class sir. I'm the narrator."

"Another week for talking back to the teacher!"

"You're not even in the right time frame. You're still in fifth year right now!"

"Not another word out of you or I'll send you to the headmaster! Understood?"

"Yes si-"

"To the Headmaster NOW! Honestly, children nowadays. No respect! Who do you think you are, talking to me when I said otherwise?"

"Another weeks of detention for not answering a question!"

"But you said-"

"DETENTION FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR!"

"Stupid git," I mumbled.

The fourth thing Hogwarts is famous for is Dumbledore, or more specifically his choice of clothing. I swear, his clothing could put the rainbow to shame and Merlin that beard looks like…er…Merlin's. And what's with his eyes twinkling like that all the time. Talking about twinkling...

*sings horribly off tune*

Mica, mica, parva stella,Miror quaenam sis tam terra in caelo,Alba gemma , mica, parva stella,Miror quaenam sis tam bella

**(A/N - It's Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star in Latin. I have a slight, tinsy, winsy obsession with languages. Just a small one.)**

"Dhragonis-Slytherin, detention for your horrible singing and noise pollution!" (guess who)

_Enfin_, finally, we have the Marauders. And what, may I ask, do the Marauders do best? Why pranking of course.

* * *

"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Padfoot. Do you copy?"

"Mr. Padfoot to Mr. Prongs, affirmative. Planting Concoction 1."

"...Concoction 1? Which one's that?"

"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Wormtail. You didn't use the proper address!"

"Mr. Padfoot to Mr. Wormtail. Yeah! We were sounding so cool like Fly Kids-"

"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Padfoot. It's Spy Kids Pads," corrected James.

"Yeah, whatever. We were sounding so cool like _Spy Kids - _as Mr. _Prancey Pantsy Prongs_ here had to interrupt - and here you are ruining our, but mostly _my_, moment. You should be ashamed," babbled Pads.

"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Padfoot. Can you possibly be any more conceited?"

"Mr. Padfoot to Mr. Prongs. What are you trying pull? Emulating Remus? Impressing Lily? Honestly, since when did you use such long seskwipetaleun vocabulary?"

"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Padfoot. _Huh?_"

"It's sesquipedalian Padfoot. It means, really long words. Why are we even talking like this? For Merlin's sake, we're standing right next to each other!" said Remus.

"Mr. Prongs to Mr. Moony. For the effect my friend. For the effect. And how stupid is it that sesquipedalian means long words, when it's a long word itself? It's like that weird muggle word for the fear of long words. _Shite! _Can't remember it!"

"It's stupid! Why can't we talk normally to each other? Honestly, I swear your parents dropped you guys on the head a million too many times when you were babies. The word you thinking of is hippopotomon strosesquipedalio phobia by the way."

"Mr. Padfood to Mr. Moony. You've seriously got to lay off the books. You're like a walking talking encyclopaedia/dictionary. And why are you complaining about how we're talking? You're the one who suggested using Forky Dorkies!"

"It's _walkie talkie_ Padfoot."

"Yeah, yeah. Forky Dorky, Dorky Forky, same thing. How did you get these to work in the castle anyway? I thought muggle fekfology didn't work at Hogwarts."

"Technology. Honestly, how could you pass Muggle Studies without knowing the word technology? What do they teach you?"

"You mean what _I _taught my Muggles Studies Professor," said Sirius, wagging his eyebrows suggestively, "I think she knows more about her mouth now since our little lesson."

"You're sick, you know that Sirius?"

"I don't see any ladies complaining."

"That's because your mouth is on theirs most of the time!"

"Well-"

"Would you two quit arguing like a bunch of ladies? In case you've forgotten, this is meant to be a stealth mission! You know? The ones where you stalk around the halls _quietly_ like Mrs. Norris?"

*Squeak*

"Where's Mrs. Norris? Get her away! She's gonna eat me!"

"Shut up Peter! She's not here! It's a simile!" said Prongs.

"A simaly? What's a simaly?"

"Honestly Padfoot, don't you ever read poems?"

"Yuk! Poems! Prongs, you're starting to sound like Moony!"

"Oi! There's nothing wrong with poems! They're sweet and romantic," Prong and Remus defended.

"That's it. Get away from me. I don't want to be infected with your girliness."

"I'm not girly!" denied James.

"C'mon, everybody knows only girls read poems. Their romantic and mushy. No guy on Earth would be caught dead reading poems. Not any straight guy anyway."

"I'll let you know I am perfectly straight, thank you very much! If Lily were here, she would call you a sexist!"

"I'm not sexist. I'm the _sexiest._"

"Padfoot, quit being such a narcissus. Prongs, can you just stop going off about Lily? I'm sure she doesn't appreciate it," suggested Remus.

"But I'm complimenting her! She's too hard to forget. . When she flicks her glossy, red hair from her eyes, how she turns the pepper grinder for her eggs exactly three times, nibbles the tip of her quill whilst thinking, tugs on her necklace and gazes at the ceiling when lying, fiddles wi-"

"Stop! Stop! Stop! My ears! I don't want to hear anymore! You stalker! You love obsessed creep! What do you do all day? Take notes on her every action?" exclaimed Padfoot.

"Well, actually, I have this notebook under my pillow containing-"

"_Mon Dieu! _You really are a creep! There's a fine line between devotion, and stalking. You my dear friend Prongs, have surpassed such a line."

"Wow Padfoot, who knew you could be so deep?" complimented Remus.

"I read it in the _Witches Weekly."_

"…why on _Earth _were you reading the _Witches Weekly?" _

"They had a special. _Hogwart's Most Charming Smile Competition."_

"I should have known. Not only am I bestfriends with a stalker, a panophobic, but a narcissus too! What did I do wrong in my past life? Why did I get stuck with you fleabags for bestfriends? Why?"

"Bit melodramatic there mate," commented Prongs,"Who won anyway?"

"Stupid Prongs! Why should you get to win? You don't deserve it. You don't even know you won it! Even after all the chicks came flocking to you and you just ignored them all in favour for "precious Lily," sulked Sirius.

"Was this why James got a sudden influx of fans last week? Don't tell me this was why you ignored him for a whole week."

Sirius just crossed his arms and pouted.

"You have _got _to be the most jealous person I've have ever met."

"It's a _very _serious competition! Hundreds of girls vote. Our whole social life is based on these votes! Just look at Prongs! He won that competition, and the next day, he's being mauled by a mob of girls!"

"I'll never understand you, and I'm glad I don't, otherwise, I would have to further question my sanity. Now c'mon and let's get going with the prank before we get caught."

* * *

The Marauders were sweaty with anticipation. They had diluted a few different potions into the food and drinks with a time delay charm. It took all night, but it would be worth it. In thirty seconds, the timer will go off and start the charms.

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

Everyone's skin, including the Marauders, began bubbling as if miniature balloons were waxing and waning beneath their morphing skin. Many clutched onto their faces, whilst some grasped on their throats with their hollow mouths. Pupils dilated and contracted, giving unfocused, hazy vision when _pop!_

Numerous loud ringing pops echoed throughout the vast expanse the Great Hall. One by one, whiffs of smoke puffed, drowning everyone in an obscuring haze. Choked coughs and sputters could be heard as people tried expelling the assailant from their lungs. Finally, after a few minutes, the smoke began to thin out, leaving only wispy traces of its presence. The remaining fog gathered to the top of the ceiling, vaguely forming six words. Six words that would explain everything.

_Bought to you by the Marauders!_

The entire hall looked at each other and screamed. Well...at least tried too. Some mooed and some sqwarked whilst others yipped. Others had retained a human voice, but of the wrong gender. Whilst the screeching was annoy, their appearances were just shocking.

Several students role played as teachers, beard, robes, hats and all. A couple of students were tripping over Dumbledore's beard, whilst others were blind, their vision impaired by McGonagall's offending hat.

Everything was more jumbled than a tossed salad. If you were to look around, you would see Geoff Hacksley, Ravenclaw's star seeker and James' hated enemy, with an orange Dumbledore beard, fluro-pink Hagrid hair in a crumpled blouse with "Gryffindor Quidditch Rules!" and a short Griffindor red skirt matched with a ridiculous pair of high-hills.

"SUOEDIH m'I !hA"

"Sorry Hacksley, what were you trying to say? I don't understand gibberish," teased Potter, mockingly pressing his hands to his ears as if desperatly trying to hear.

"!yap lliw uoy ,eman ylimaF yelskcaH eht no raews I. tiaw uoy tsuJ !rettoP siht rof uoy teg ll'I"

Another person that..._attracted..._attention was Lucious Malfoy, or now, more appropriately Lucy.

He...no, _she _was now in a medieval ballgown, corset, stockings, ribbons, high heels and all. Her long, _silky _hair was pulled back in an elegant pony tail by lacquered, ornamental clips and pins. She had skilful make on up that melted into her creamy white skin, enhanced by blood-red lipstick. Overall, she looked _very _effeminate. You wouldn't even need to be drunk to mistake him as a real girl. In fact, some of the straighter guys, not that they would ever admitted it, didn't realise it was Lucius at first, and thought of her/him as hot dating material.

"Looking good there _Lucy. _I didn't know you were a gay cross-dresser. Finally got out of the closet, hey?" **(A/N - I have no problems with gays and cross-dressers.)**

"Change me *snort* back! I'll send a *snort* letter to my parents and *snort* get you *snort* expelled for this!" bellowed/snorted Lucy. No-one, not even his friends or bodyguards, Crabbe and Goyle, could resist laughing at his horrid voice. It was so high and twinkly before switching to a low, revolting snort. It was unforgettable. Definately one for the camera.

"Now, now. Where are your pureblood, lady manners?" Sirius patronised.

Lucy growled and leaped for Black. Right before stepping on the hem of her dress, overbalancing on ther high heels and landing flat on her face. She shot back right up, and she and Sirius bolted off on a cat and mouse chase.

Everyone knows, if there's a prank, Severus was sure to be entertaining. So that is why, after the Lucy spectacle, everyone looked for Snape. They found him. Under the table. Cloaked by the table cloth. Wearing a pink tutu. Wearing a pink, _lacy _tutu. Wearing a pink, lacy, _revealing _tutu. And I think I'll stop the description right there. None of us want to be mentally scarred for the rest of our life.

**A/N – ****All the names of phobias are real.****  
Aerophobia is the fear of swallow air. How do they breathe?  
Dextrophobia is the fear of objects at the right side of the body. So one minute, they're afraid of the right but not the left, you turn them around, and they would now fear the _new right _which used to be the things on the left but not the _new left _which used to be on the right and the opposite for Levophobia, fear of objects on the left side of the body.  
Anatidaephobia is the fear that some where, some time, some how, a duck is watching you.  
Phobophobia is the fear of getting a phobia. How ironic.  
Finally, Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of having peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth.**

**No offence to anyone with a phobia or the ones used in this fanfiction. I have a couple of phobias myself including Arachibutyrophobia (peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth) when I was younger. I refused to eat it, but got over it with age.**

**Some people were complaining about the spelling. Whilst I concede I do make a fair few, some were complaining about British and American spelling. I'm Australian, and I prefer British English, so I intend to stick to it as such. Thanks, just wanted to clarify.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Date Posted: 4th June 2010**

**Disclaimer: I don't own HP or any of the songs featured in this fanfic.**

**LuciusPOV**

"Get back *snort* here Black!" Not only did I sound like a bloody girl, but looked like one too! How can can women walk in these sodding death traps let along run in them? And those stupid fake boobs that were sown into this damn dress! God! How can I chase Black with them jiggling and bouncing all over the place!

"Catch me if you can _Lucy!_" shouted Black.

I swear, one of these days I'll wipe that bloody smirk right of his face and chuck him in the lake in the middle of winter!

I continued to chase him all throughout hall, heedless if I was bumping into others. I swear one of the guys actually felt me up! The nerve of them! How dare they disrespect a Malfoy? I'll hunt them down one day and hex them into oblivion!

"Attention all *quack* students! Line *squawk* up in front of the *neigh* teachers' table if you *moo* are affected by the *meow* prank," quacked/squawked/neighed/mooed McGonagall. She had ginger cat ears, six stiff whiskers and a swishy tail sticking out from her robes, and she was the least affected of the teachers. (Imagine the others)

I pushed by way to the front of the table, regardless of order so I could get out of this stupid outfit and properly kill Black.

"Hey Lucy," shouted Black, "Nice bosoms!"

I have no idea why, but those words triggered a sudden inclination to jump up on the teachers' bench...and sing.

**End LuciusPOV**

**

* * *

**

"JAMES HAROLD POTTER! YOU IMMATURE, OBNOXIOUS, DIRTY-MINDED PRAT!" screamed Lily at the top of my lungs.

"Why Lilyflower, you look beautiful today," greeted James.

"Beautiful my arse!"

"I'm glad we agree."

"YOU PERVERT!" She tried bat-bogey hexing him, but he dodged, "Change me back RIGHT NOW!"

"There's no need for that. It looks wonderful on you," he smiled.

"WONDERFUL? I'M IN A BIKINI! A SMALL, STRINGY SODDING **BIKINI**!"

"Well, you look great in it."

That did it. Lily hurled as many curses, hexes and jinx as she could think of. But Potter wasn't top of Defense for nothing. He dodged, blocked or reflected everything I threw at him, some hitting other innocent bystanders.

"Lily! Stop it already! As if we need to be hexed further. Besides, it's not that bad. You actually look pretty hot in a muggle bikini," teased Euphemia.

Lily turned to look at her. She was in a tight policewoman uniform. A very _short _and tight policewoman uniform: hand-cuffs, hat, badge and all.

"How can you say "not that bad"? You look like you just walked out of some hormone raging teenage boy's fantasies!" Lily screamed.

"Come on Lils. Live a little! It's not every day we get to wear something like this without looking out of place."

"Why would _anyone _want to wear something like this?"

"It's just for fun. Besides, how many other occasions can you say we've seen Malfoy in a dress and Snape in a tutu?"

"I don't _want _to see them cross-dressing!" screamed Lily.

"But that was hilarious!" cried Euphie.

"It was _far _hilarious! They'll probably cancel classes for the rest of the day because of this!"

"I highly doubt anyone's gonna complain about that Lils," added Alice.

"But today was supposed to be the Charms test!"

"Hence why the boys probably decided to set it off today; nobody other than _you _would complain about a cancelled test.

"Attention all *quack* students! Line *squawk* up in front of the *neigh* teachers' table if you *moo* are affected by the *meow* prank," quacked/squawked/neighed/mooed McGonagall.

"Wow. She's really got a farm going there," commented Alice.

"I don't get _how _they can get away with this. Everyone knows the Marauders are Potter, Black, Remus and Pettigrew,"

"There's never enough evidence," said Alice.

"Evidence? You want evidence? Pump them with Veritaserum if you want evidence!" screamed Lily.

"Now, now Lily dear, that's a bit harsh," tutted Euphie.

"I doubt it," said Lily sardonically.

"Are we gonna discuss the Marauders all night, or are we gonna head towards McGonagall and get fixed?" asked Alice.

The trio were about to head off to the teachers' bench when Malfoy, Snape and Hacksley jumped on the table and began singing and dancing.

"Cue the music!"

The entire room darkened like night and a disco-ball appeared in the middle of the hall.

Then they began singing and dancing.

_Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine_  
_You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life_  
_See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen_

They started dancing to the muggle music mix. They monkeyed and swam and shuffled along the bench. Many of the muggles recognised the song and began dancing to the beat, enticing others to do so.

_It's just a jump to the left_  
_And then a step to the right_  
_With your hands on your hips_  
_You bring your knees in tight_  
_But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,_  
_Let's do the Time Warp again!  
Let's do the Time Warp again!_

Everyone was dancing to lyrics, going wild and enjoying themselves. Others jumped on the makeshift stage, joining the original three.

_But I don't feel like dancin'_  
_No sir, no dancin' today._  
_Don't feel like dancin', dancin'_  
_Even if i find nothin' better to do_  
_Don't feel like dancin', dancin'_  
_Why'd you pick a tune when I'm not in the mood?_  
_Don't feel like dancin', dancin'_  
_I'd rather be home with the one in the bed till dawn, with you,_

The whole hall was going wild. Everyone was enjoying themselves. Everybody, even Lily and the teachers, forgot about the time and place. They just danced with one another and enjoyed themselves.

_I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick_  
_I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it_  
_It felt so wrong, it felt so right, don't mean I'm in love tonight_  
_I kissed a girl and I liked it, I liked it._

The impromptu mix was going swell. Cheers and shouts could be heard throughout the darkened hall as people danced under the disco-ball.

At the last line of the lyrics, spotlights congregated at Malfoy and Snape as they enacted the lyrics. Yup. Ladies and gentlemen, they were performing the last line of the lyrics, or specifically...they were kissing...on the lips...in front of the whole school...with magical cameras taking photos...with magical cameras planted by the Marauders magically forcing them to sing, dance and kiss each other - this will be all over Britain in no time.

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**A/N - I hope you enjoyed that chapter, though, many of you probably just skipped the lyrics. Oh well, I do it when there are too many too, so I don't exactly have the right to be angry. Just please R&R! I love getting reviews. They encourage me to write and update sooner. It also gives me inspiration and pointers to make my fic better, so _please _review. Thank you very much.**

The songs used were:

Dancing Queen by ABBA

Time Warp from the Rocky Horror Show and here is a video on YouTube with the dance  
.com/watch?v=vBHONx9vTtI&feature=related

I Don't Feel Like Dancing by Scissor Sisters

I Kissed a Girl by Kate Perry


	7. Chapter 7

**Date Posted: 5th June 2010**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I am just a simple fanfiction writer who gets told of by their parents for "wasting time" writing and reading such "literacy deficient" stories.**

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The school went back to their respective common rooms after an enthralling day of dancing. Needless to say, Snape and Malfoy got a lot of unwanted attention from both fellow Slytherins and other houses. Especially the guys of a certain sexual preference were particularly tentative of them. Well, you can guess the rest.

"Wow, Prongs," said Sirius, as he and the other Marauders were in the dorms preparing for bed,"I must say, I was rather sceptical at first about playing muggle music, but after seeing that, all doubts have been erased."

"Yeah, everybody was so into it," agreed Pettigrew.

"My pleasure. Glad to be of service," said Prongs with a mock, gentlemanly bow, holding his imaginary hat in a grand sweep.

"How do you know about all this muggle music?" quizzed Sirius.

"Well...er...I have this distant relative in the Muggle Liaison Office in the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes," lied James.

"Really, you never mentioned that before,"said Sirius.

"Well, you never asked, so I didn't think of saying so," countered James.

"Maybe I should go down to Muggle London one day and get a couple of those shiny round things muggles put in boxes for music," suggested Sirius.

"They're not "things" they're called Compact Discs or CDs for short. And that box you're talking about is a CD player. Get your words right please Sirius," corrected James.

"Well _sorry _if I'm not the greatest pureblood nerd on muggles in all of Hogwarts,"

"Calm down Sirius, I didn't mean it like that. It just bugs me how little you purebloods and some half-bloods know about the muggle world."

"It's not like many of us have been to the muggle world."

"That's why it's great to be a muggleborn. You can learn about both worlds," said James.

"Not really. They practically have zero political power here."

"Most muggles in the muggle world aren't involved in politics anyway. Unlike here in the magical world, where seats in the Wizengamot are determined by blood, the muggles have a parliament who can be anyone as long as they are voted."

"That's just stupid. What if the person's really dumb?"

"They are voted for their capabilities. Being a pureblood doesn't make you smart anyways; just look at Crabbe and Goyle, though, you would make a fine example too."

"I'm not dumb Prongs. If anything, I am superiorly intelligent! In case you've forgotten, I got full marks in transfiguration."

"Only cause you copied off me and James," countered Remus.

"Well, I was able to cheat without getting caught. That surely counts for something."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say you royal highness," said James.

"Go fetch me a beerbutter!" demanded Sirius.

"You're joking right?" said James.

"No, I'm Sirius. Now go fetch!"

"Oh god! Not the stupid Sirius jokes. They are so over clichéd. Anyway, shouldn't you be the one fetching? You're the dog after all."

"But you're my bestfriend! Bestfriends get each other beerbutter!"

"Shut up Padfoot. I don't see you fetching us one any time soon," said Remus.

"Fine," whined Sirius, "See if I care to get you guys beerbutter next time I get one."

"Sirius, just shut up and sleep," exasperated Remus, throwing a pillow at him.

"Fine," pouted, "But don't ever expect to copy homework from me ever again!"

Remus and James rolled their eyes, and threw more pillows at Sirius, continuously hitting his head like a barrage of bullets.

"We _never _copy homework from you. You copy from us!" they cried in unison.

"Fine, no need to be so touchy about it," he whinged.

James and Remus twitched.

"Just shut up and sleep. Tosser," sighed James, weary from dancing all day and his repartee with Sirius.

And with that, the final light was out in the Gryffindor dorms.

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**LilyPOV**

Before I continue speaking, I must state, it is usually against my conduct to such unruly behaviour, but this prank was just so extraordinary! It was brilliant! I loved it! I can't believe those idiots actually came up with something so epic! You should have seen McGonagall dance! God could she move!

What impressed me the most, was their spell work. It must have taken endless nights of research to pool off something this big. Researching the potions and spells, understanding them, brewing and casting them etc. All whilst doing this undetected. Imagine what they could have achieved if they put the efforts into studying. They have gained a morsel more of my respect. Not that they'd ever know.

None of the teachers were able to negate their spell. The entire school had to wait until it wore off - sometime around midnight. The atmosphere was so happy and relaxed, I think I even saw Malfoy, Nott and his gang flash a subtle smile. And that says a _lot_!

"What are you thinking about Lils?" asked Alice, who also shared a dorm with me.

"The Marauders."

"So you finally admit you got the hots for James do you?"

"No! Of course not! I was thinking why they exert so much effort into pranks, when they could have used their intelligence for more practical things - like study."

*sigh* "Lils, you have to understand, not everybody cares about their academics as much as you do."

"Well they should. How else are they going to get a job when they graduate?"

"Sometimes, in class, you're so smart I forget you're a muggleborn. Look Lils, the magical world isn't like the muggle world. It's still behind in a lot of things. Not only physical things like fashion and technology, but the more cultural, beliefs, values and social sort of things. Purebloods have been in power for a long time. Even now, nearly all the influential political roles are occupied by purebloods. Very, very rarely are half-bloods, and muggleborns, I'm sorry to say, are non-existent other than an odd one or two in the entire history of Magical Britain. Whilst it's not official, it's an unsaid fact that all purebloods, like Potter and Sirius, are guaranteed jobs the moment their out of school."

"But it isn't fair! Just because I'm a muggleborn doesn't mean I'm not as good as them. My score perfectly reflect my capabilities, especially when it comes to competition like Crabbe and Goyle."

"I'm sorry Lils, but that's the way society works in Magical Britain. Wake up and smell the roses darlin'."

"I think I can change that. If I work hard enough, they'll have no choice but to allow me in the Ministry of Magic."

*sigh*

"Oh Lily. I know it's hard to comprehend the fact that all this work is for naught, but Lily, it's a fact, and it _will _happen. Even if you don't believe now, you will have to believe soon."

"...I'll think about it. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Lily. Don't think about it too much, or you'll never be able to fall asleep," said Alice, offering a small smile.

I merely nodded and tried to obey - but it was too hard. My dreams and thoughts were now in shambles. Like a mirror, even if you do repair it, the cracks will always remain.

* * *

"WAKE UP SIRIUS! WAKE UP JAMES! WAKE UP PETER! THE DORM IS ON FIRE! IF YOU DON'T WAKE UP NOW YOU'RE ALL GOING TO BE BURNT CRISPER THAN PUMPKIN PASTRY! QUICK! THERE'S NO TIME TO LOOSE!"

*snore~*

*rolls over and hugs pillow*

"Five more hours mum. *snore~*"

Remus was at a lost. He had spent the last ten minutes trying to wake the Marauders up with little success. Each and everytime, all he got was more earsplitting snoring, slight, restless movement, and a request for more sleep. This routinely exercise was going to be the death of him. White hairs were beginning to sprout from all this frustration and annoyance.

"Looks like it's to the last resort again."

_Rictusempra_

All three went to into insane fits of giggles.

"Stop! St-ha ha s-stop! Please! Stop! Ha ha ha ha!" all three cried with tears from their eyes.

_Evanesco Bedsheets!_

"Moony! What are you doing? I was sleeping!" shouted Sirius.

"One is not meant to be sleeping in the morning!" screamed Remus.

"One _likes _to sleep in the morning!"

"One _shouldn't _sleep in the morning!"

"One _wants _to sleep in the morning!"

"One _can't _sleep in the morning!"

"One-"

"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" shouted James throwing pillows are the arguing couple.

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**A/N - Did you like it? I won't update for about a week because I have a science test I have to study for, and we're going away on a school ca****mp.**** This was just something I whisked up in a night. Hope you enjoyed it. Please review. I love reviews and they encourage me to write more.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Date Posted: 8th June 2010**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter**

"Good morning ladies. You're all looking fine and lovely today. Don't you just love waking up to the sweet scent of early morning air?" flirted Sirius.

"Bollocks! There isn't a single morning that you've waken up before twelve without me dragging your lazy, fat arse out of bed," said Remus.

"I'll have you know, I've got a great, beautiful, sexy arse thank you very much."

"My ears! My poor, virgin ears! God Padfoot! Can't we have a single day without listening to you complimenting yourself with unwanted inappropriate sexual language?" said Prongs.

"I'm only saying the truth. Besides, you said the word 'virgin', isn't that 'unwanted inappropriate sexual language'?" argued Padfoot.

"The word 'virgin' isn't 'unwanted inappropriate sexual language! I could say Virgin Olive Oil and it would be totally platonic," countered Prongs. wierd.

"Wait a minute, olives have sex?" questioned Sirius.

"What? No! Their olives! They can't have sex! God, get that picture out of my head! Out!" shouted Prongs and continued, "Virgin olive oil has a free acidity, expressed as oleic acid, of not more than 2 grams per 100 grams (2.0%), and whose other characteristics correspond to those fixed for this category in the IOOC standards. It is a step in quality above Ordinary Virgin Olive and one below Extra Virgin Olive Oil."

"Who are you, and what have you done with James?" asked Remus.

"What? Aren't I allowed to be smart once in a while?"

"You sounded like Remus for a second there. How on earth do you know something so..._cookingy?"_

"That's not exactly a word Padfoot. I learnt it from...my mum! She _loves _to cook," explained James. Whilst his mum did in fact, like to cook, it was not where he actually learnt it from. James actually learnt it from a Food Technology course during the holidays. His parents forced him to attend Muggle school holiday classes so he wouldn't be behind other muggles. This meant he basically went to two schools. Poor him. One is bad enough already. Food Tech was one of the compulsory courses. I suppose they didn't want males surviving on instant noodles for the rest of their lives.

"PHOTOS! GET YOUR OWN PERSONAL COPY OF MALFOY IN A DRESS FOR 20 SICKLES! SNAPE IN A TUTU FOR 18 SICKLES! ALBUM COLLECTION OF THE NIGHT FOR 5 GALLEONS! SNAPE AND MALFOY MAKING OUT FOR 3 GALLEONS!"

"Is that the kid you got to sell the photos we took last night?" asked Remus.

"Yeah," said Prongs, "Riley Bartha, third year muggleborn, Gryffindor. Jumped at the chance to embarrass any snake after some sabotaged his potion."

"I can't wait to see Malfoy's and Snivellus' face," snickered Padfoot.

"BLACK/POTTER! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Then wait no longer. Two raging snakes at two o'clock," said Prongs, looking at the murderous visages of Malfoy and Snape.

"Prongs, can't you read a clock? It's 8:30am!" said Sirius.

"It's a direc- oh, forget about it. Muggle thing," sighed James.

"I'LL WRANG YOU'RE NECKS!"

"What do you do all day? Read a muggle expressions dictionary?" asked Sirius.

"You just pick it up."

"CURSE YOU TO OBLIVION!"

"There you go again!"

"God you wizards are so behind in terms of language."

"CHAIN YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL!"

"We're not behind. You're just using stupid muggle language that doesn't make sense!"

"It makes perfect sense! You can say these expressions to any muggle or muggleborn and they won't even need to think to get what you were saying. They wouldn't even notice it's so common!"

"WOULD TWO QUIT IGNORING US! WE'RE TRYING TO KILL YOU!"

"Oh, when did they get here?" asked Sirius.

"No idea," said James, "anyway, you wizards don't know anything muggle slang other than shag or snog!"

"Well muggles don't know the simplest spells!"

"Of course they don't! Their MUGGLES!"

"Precisely, they don't know wizarding spell language."

"WE'RE STILL HERE YOU KNOW!"

"That's unfair! You say muggles don't know any spells, but wizards don't know any technology jargon!"

_stupefy! _shot both Malfoy and Snape which both Black and Potter easily blocked.

"Good morning gentlemen. For what do we owe your presence this fine Thursday morning?" greeted Padfoot.

"As we were trying to tell you for the past five minutes, WE'RE GOING TO KILL YOU BLACK/POTTER!"

"Say Mr. Padfoot, wouldn't this be the perfect opportunity to activate the back-up plan to embarrass Malfoy and Snape further?"

"Why Mr. Prongs, what an excellent idea."

Remus just shook his head in disapproval, but went back to his book, knowing he wouldn't be able to stop them.

"Initiate The Back-up Plan To Embarrass Malfoy And Snape Further!"

"That's the name of your grand back-up plan?" asked Remus skeptically.

"Yup. Simple, precise and straight to the point," replied Sirius, "Just like you said."

"I told you that to help with essays, not naming pranks."

"Same diff," replied Prongs.

Sirius and Prongs tapped their wands against each others, creating a spark that projected a countdown.

_10... _

"What's this about Black?" asked Malfoy.

_9..._

"You're about to find out," smirked Sirius.

_7..._

_"_This better not be something stupid again Potter!" said Snape, "It sounds like one of those cheap Saturday Morning cartoon self-destruct machines." (Remember, Snape was raised in Spinners End, so he knows muggle)

_6..._

"What are you on about Snivellus? The fumes must have gone to your head," said Sirius, being the ever ignorant pureblood of muggle society he was.

_5..._

"It's not cheap! I modified the spell myself!" cried James at Snape's comment.

_4..._

"I modified a Tempus charm to countdown and activate the spells we placed on you," said James proudly. He got this idea from sticking his head into a computer screen too much. The minute his parents introduced him to a computer he got hooked and stuck to it 24/7. He was now the proud owner of two PCs, a Windows and a Mac, a laptop (Toushiba) and a mini netbook (forget about the times these were introduced, I'm not bothered.) He had even written a couple of his own programs and owned a large portion of IBM and Microsoft.

_2..._

"I should introduce you guys to a computer one day."

"Whatever, I don't know what a kompewta is anyway"

_1..._

It's computer Padfoot, and you'll get hooked faster than you can say 'Quidditch'"

"Quidditch!" shouted Padfoot, "Aha! I'm not hooked yet Prongs."

"Padfoot...you're not on a computer yet either."

_0..._

_*_puff* *puff*

Malfoy and Snape were once again in their tutus and dresses, both wearing 5 inch heels.

_I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world_  
_Life in plastic, it's fantastic!_  
_you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere_  
_Imagination, life is your creation_  
_Come on Barbie, let's go party!_  
_(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)_

People around the Great Hall were once again taking photos and crowding around the spectacle. Unsurprisingly, with his long blonde silky hair, Malfoy looked astonishingly like Barbie.

_Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows _  
_Everything thats wonderful is what I feel _  
_When we're together._

Whilst they were singing this, a butterfly-filled, flowery meadow was projected in the background and James and Sirius controlled Malfoy and Snape to skip in slow motion through the sparkly scene, making everyone crack up. Can you imagine that? Snape? In a tutu? Prancing through a flowery meadow? Smiling? With funny sparkly lights illuminating the scene? You gotta laugh at that mate.

"POTTER!"

"Yes my beautiful Lily?"

"SHUT UP! I'M NOT YOURS! NOW STOP THIS STUPID CHILDISH PRANK OF YOURS RIGHT NOW!"

"We're only enjoying a good laugh."

"Yeah Lily," joined Sirius.

"Remus! How could you let them do something so horrible to anyone?" called Lily.

"I had no part in this, and you know them, once they get started, nothing short of Judgement Day can stop them, which we all know isn't today."

"I'm not sure," said Alice, "Wait, let me check my calendar."

"Um...Alice, Judgement Day isn't on the calendar."

"Eh? Why not? National Mathematics Day is on it, I'm sure if there's someone looser enough to put that on the calendar someone must have put Judgement Day on it."

"It's a muggle thing," explained James.

"The Queen's birthday is on it," said Alice.

"No, that's not what I mean. Judgement Day is a fictional reference to the Sarah Conor Chronicles and the Bible. It's just means the end of the world. It's not real," explained James.

"Oh."

"Since when did you become the muggle expert Potter?"

"I asked the same thing last night Lily," said Sirius.

"He's got a relative in one of the ministry's muggle departments," informed Remus, which was lie, but hey, what they don't know can't hurt them.

"Whatever, now let them down James before I kick you again!"

"Sure!" piqued James.

"Now James, think about what you're saying, if you don't let them down I'll kick you in the nuts _so _hard you'l- wait a minute, what did you say?"

"I said sure."

"Really?"

"Yup! For a price of course. A kiss from you would be sufficient."

"In your dreams! Now shut up and stop this stupid prank!"

"For a matter of fact, I have actually had a dream where you've kissed me, hundreds of them in fact."

"I'm not getting a day younger, now get on with it!"

"Only for a kiss."

"That's about as likely as me marrying you, having a kid who is prophesised to kill a Dark Lord and him reflecting the killing curse and being shipped off to my muggle sister because we're dead!"

...

*cricket* *cricket*

...

*cricket* *cricket*

The entire hall burst out laughing.

"Haha! Nice one Lily! That will never happen! Hahaha!" burst Alice.

"Not only will you marry him, but have his kid? Hahaha! I never took you for the joking type!" chortled Sirius, clutching on his stomach and pounding the floor.

"Yeah guys. Really funny. Ha ha," James said drabbly, "Go ahead, shatter your best mate's dreams of marrying his girlfriend. It's hilarious. I'm laughing so hard my guts are spewing out. Ha. Ha."

"I'm not your girlfriend Potter!" disputed Lily,"and don't give me such an image; I'm vegetarian."

"You may not be mine now, but you will be."

"As if!" huffed Lily.

"Not to be rude or anything but, HELLO! What happened to trying to get us out of these stupid clothes?" exclaimed Malfoy.

"Oh right, sorry bout that. God distracted," apologised Lily, "POTTER! Stop this prank this instant!"

"Sorry Lils, no kiss, no stop."

"Fine, have it your way. Don't say I didn't warn you."

*Kick*

*Thump*

James was out cold.

All the males in the crowd winced, and tried to shy away from the vicious kick.

"And the current count for this year is, James 0, Sirius 0, Lily 32" iterated Remus.

"It's no use Lily, you need both of us unconscious or the prank remains intact," informed Sirius.

*Thump*

Not the right thing to say.

"I correct myself, James 0, Sirius 0, Lily 33."

They just really don't get it do they?


	9. Chapter 9

**Date Posted: 13th June 2010**

**Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter as much as I own a million dollars. That's right, I'm a millionaire...wanna be. No matter how much I wanna own a million bucks, it'll never happen in a million years, just like I'll never own Harry Potter cause that belongs to JK Rowling and some other other muggle/company/wizard/magical creature/Gringotts etc or whoever has the copyrights. Basic summary, I don't own HP.**

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"Why does Lily hate me so much Remus? I'm only ever nice to her," questioned James, as slumped into an arm chair in the fickle Room of Requirements. **(A/N - as far as I know, it has yet to be confirmed as to whether the Marauders knew about RoR or not as it is not on the map. But as the theory goes, it's not exactly plottable, so in my story, they know about it.)**

"Only if being nice entails sending her to the hospital wing," replied Remus, leaning into the arm chair opposite James'.

"That was an accident! How was I supposed to know she was allergic to Lyrical Lilies?" defended James, "and after all the effort I put into teaching them the poem I wrote too."

"How could you not know? You've spent over half your life seeing her almost every day!"

"It's not like we ever encountered any in the muggle world. And anyway, it's a new strain of Lily; a cross between Singing Sunflowers, Poetic Pansies and Laughing Lilies."

"No wonder I've never read anything about Lyrical Lilies. Do you know where I can get some? It's my mother's birthday next week."

"Sure, how many do you want?"

"Do you have extras? You don't have to give them to me, I can buy my own you know."

"You won't be able to get them anywhere else other than from me."

"Is this another one of those, "I'm-a-rich-pureblood-so-we-get-everything-in-advance-before-it's-even-out-of-the-market-for-being-rich-arses", sort of things again? I swear, if it weren't for the fact that most purebloods, if not all, that I've seen were retarded, I would so wanna be one."

"It's the inbreeding. Gets them all insane."

"You know you're a pureblood right?"

"I tend to forget sometimes, and personally enjoy referring to myself in a more 'mugglefied' manner. Live most of your life in the muggle world, and you realise how dumb purebloods and their ideals are. But anyway, no. It's not a pureblood thing. I created these myself - with some help from my mother of course."

"You've got to be kidding me. You, _garden?_"

"Yup," nodded James.

"Are you serious?"

"No, I'm James."

"Shuddup, you know what I meant."

"In grade four, our school started a vegetable patch and everyone in school had to look after their own little plots in front of their classroom."

"I wish those plants happily ever after in plant heaven away from all the pain and suffering they must have gone through," said Remus, holding his hands together as if praying.

"Oi! What's that supposed to mean? I'll have you know, I was brilliant at gardening! Lily and I grew the longest carrots and the largest cabbage."

"But your Herbology marks are so dismal."

"Well, that's why I had to get my mother to help with breeding them. Dealing with magical plants is much different to muggle ones let me tell you. There's no screaming, struggling, thrashing or any form of movement." *shiver*

"Right...I'll keep that in mind for future reference."

"So how is Lily now? She wouldn't let me visit her in the hospital wing."

"Frankly, I wouldn't either," mumbled Remus.

"I'm telling you - it was an accident!" emphasised James.

"You go tell her that! It doesn't change the fact that she's has rashes all over he arms and neck. What's worse, is Madame Pomfrey can't even cure her. She has to wait for it to heal naturally because she doesn't have anything for Lyrical Lily reactions."

"I'm sure some Soothing Salve would ease the itching."

"They have, but it's not exactly effective."

"Oh. So any idea when she will be released?"

"They say that she'll probably be fine tomorrow, but we're not exactly sure. She's the first person to show an allergy towards that plant of yours."

"So she'll make it to Hogsmeade tomorrow?"

"Yeah, probably."

"Great! I'll ask her out again at breakfast."

"In case you've forgotten, your latest attempt landed her in the hospital. I don't think she'll be particularly pleased to see you, let alone go to Hogsmeade with you."

"But it'll be different this time! I'll give her Bubbly Belgium Chocolates instead!"

*sigh*

"Haven't you learn _anything_?"

"Er...never give lovely Lily Lyrical Lilies? Wow, that's a mouth full," commented James.

"No. Don't ask Lily out!"

"How am I gonna get her to come to Hogsmeade with me, and be my girlfriend and get her to marry me if I don't ask her out?"

"Can't you see she hates it when you ask her out?"

"Of course I do. Even when we were kids she was annoyed by them, she would often kick them in the parts or something. Unless they were sincere about it, then she would usually just turn them down."

"If you know, then why do you insist on asking her out if you know it annoys her?"

"Because, if I don't get her to like me now, she may get a boyfriend and forget me!"

"It's pretty hard to forget someone who asks you out six million times a day."

"I wouldn't ask her six million times a day if she'd say yes."

"The reason she's not saying yes is because you're annoying her _by _asking her six million times a day. How can you be her bestfriend and have her absolutely loathe you at the same time?"

"That's what I want to know."

"Can't you just act like Jasper when you're James?"

"I've tried. It's not that easy!"

"How is it not easy? Pretend you're Jasper! You do that every holiday don't you?"

"Yeah but...it just feels different! When I am Jasper, I'm already accepted by her. I don't have to do anything. I can just act like myself!"

"So you're not acting like yourself now?"

"No! That's not what I meant. I do act like myself, but...but it's different. To me, I am Jasper _and _James. I don't...act it per say. It's just...kinda like...they're both part of me. It comes naturally or something. I-I just can't really explain it alright?"

"If you can't explain it, then I can't help you."

"It's not that I don't what to - it's just hard to explain. It's not like I haven't tried to act as Jasper before. I act like myself when I am Jasper and I act like myself when I am James. They are both me. It just still somehow ends up being expressed differently."

"I kind of understand you and I kind of don't."

"Look, I know it's hard to understand - I don't really understand myself - but basically, I 'pretend' to be neither Jasper nor James. I _am _them. The problem as I see it is, that if I act as Jasper in James body - Lily hates me. But if I act as James in Jasper's body - Lily doesn't hate me. It's like, no matter how I act, as long as Lily views me as James, she'll hate me."

"You know James, you're starting to sound like a schizophrenic." **(A/N - No offense and with all due respect to schizophrenics)**

"No, I not insane!"

"Yes, I am sure that's what they all say."

"Shut up Remus! You know I didn't mean it like that."

"That's the problem, I don't get what you mean at all."

"It's hard! We're talking in circles!"

"Lets keep this simple. You act less like a 'jerk' and 'deflate your head', as Lily likes to say, and Lily won't hate you as much."

"I don't act like a jerk!"

"Sure, because any decent person likes to _levicorpus _Snape into revealing his boxers every day. Can he be any more obsessed with potions?" said Remus, referring to his boxers.

"I don't torture him every day. I merely do so when he annoys me."

"Which is every time you see him."

"Well, it's hard when you live in the same bloody castle as them."

"For the thousandth time James - grow up! Lily hates you _because _you bully Snape, and as long. As they are friends, you can't afford to do so, because once she catches word of if, she'll hunt you down and kill you."

"I can't stop it! Every single time I see him I remember how Lily would rather help him instead of me - her bestfriend!"

"Get this straight James - at Hogwarts, you are _not _Jasper anymore. You are _not _her bestfriend! To her, you are only James bloody Potter who insists on torturing her bestfriend _Severus Snape _and continuously asking her our!"

"He _can't _be her bestfriend! _I'm _supposed to be her bestfriend! Lily is _mine!"_

_"_You know what Prongs? You're jealous. You're jealous because Lily cares for Snape more than she cares about you. And as long as you are jealous, you'll continue to carry on like a sodding wanker and piss Lily off. Get over it! Unless you can prove to Lily you are worthy of her friendship, she'll hate you! It doesn't matter if you are the bloody Minister of Magic or Merlin himself! Get a grip on yourself, stop acting like an immature ponce and DEFLATE THAT HEAD OF YOURS!"

That hit harder then he'd intended to, but James really did have to pull his act together if he wanted to impress Lily.

"I-I'll try," James acquiesced.

* * *

Remus woke up expecting to raise hell once again to wake the Marauders up. Imagine his surprise when James was already awake lying on his bed with his arms tucked behind his head.

One look told him everything. James had been awake thinking over his thoughts the whole night and didn't get a wink of sleep. He had deep bags under his eyes and worry written all over his face.

"James, are you alright?" asked Remus.

"I couldn't sleep," he stated simply.

Remus looked at him with pity, knowing what had kept him up all night.

"Here take a pepper-up potion. It'll make you feel better and ensure you don't sleep during class," he gently offered. Remus always had a cache of pepper-up potions due to his...little fury problem. It came in handy when it was before or after a full moon.

"Thanks," James gratefully accepted. He had a small smile plastered on his face, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

Remus sighed. He hadn't meant to disconcert James. He'd meant to help by opening his eyes to why Lily didn't like him so he could change.

Remus sighed.

"James, if you want Lily to like you, I'm willing to help," Remus offered.

"Really?" he perked with a glimmer of hope.

Remus just nodded.

"So what should I do now then?"

"You're the Lily expert here. As James, what would you do?"

"I would run right up to her, hug her, and check if she was alright."

"And what would you do if you were Jasper?"

"The same thing."

"Now, using your sparse brain cells and experience as both James and Jasper, how do you think Lily will react to James?"

"...not very well?"

"To put it lightly, yes. And how do you think she would react to Jasper?"

"Why of course she would hug me right back and flash one of her beautiful smiles because she knew I was concerned for her," he answered easily.

"And why, when James and Jasper did the exact same thing, would Lily react in two completely opposite ways?"

James looked down once again and whispered, "Because she bloody hates me."

"No, she hates James, no you."

"But I _am _James!"

"Yes, but you're also Jasper, and she sure as hell doesn't hate you."

"That's why I don't get how to act around her! She's so flippant!"

"You might not know, but I do. To put it simply, she's friends with Jasper, and James isn't."

"Geez, thanks Captain Obvious. Didn't think I'd notice after being kicked by her over a thousand time already?" James spat sarcastically.

"You're missing the point here. Lily would allow Jasper to hug her because they are friends and she views it as an action of care and affection. When James hugs her, she instead feels her personal space has been invaded - thus a threat. You're boundaries are different, and when you crossed it as James, she reacts. Simple psychology really."

"So what do I have to do to get her the accept me?"

"You back off and stay within the boundaries."

"But Lily would complain if I was 50 kilometres from her!"

"Still applies. If you stay out of her territory, she'll feel less threatened when you're around and you'll gradually be able to get closer."

"You make her sound like an animal."

"Well technically we are-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Homosapiens, mammals, evolved monkeys blah blah blah, been there, done that. I already had to sit through hours of this idea in Science. I don't ever want to hear about this again," interrupted James.

Remus rolled his eyes.

"Are you just gonna sit there and roll your eyes all day or help me?"

"I already have."

"And I really understand because...?"

"You apologise."

"I thought you said no Bubbly Belgium Chocolate!"

"And there's still no Bubbly Belgium Chocolate. Nope, you're going to apologise properly this time."

"How?"

Remus leaned in to explain his method as James obediently listened.

* * *

**A/N - Sorry for taking so long. My school gave me this stupid writing project, and after writing, editing, scrapping, going to school, rewriting, re-editing, dying, deleting, going to school, rewriting, drooling, falling asleep and going school, editing, re-editing, fretting over it before finally handing it in to school. I didn't exactly feel very much like writing anything any more. Even fanfiction reminded me of that torturous English Project. So that's why it took a while. Sorry! The projects done now, so I should be fine. Hope you enjoyed the chapter! R&R Please! **


	10. Chapter 10

**Date Posted: 25th June 2010**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

"That _bastard!" _screamed Lily, "How dare he! *scratch*I'll boil him! And then I'll skin him! Then burn *itch*him at the steak! And then I'll throw his remains *scratch* for the Giant Squid! I'll-"

"Calm down Lily!" placated Alice.

"Calm down? CALM DOWN? I'll show _him _calm down! I castrate him and gut him, calm down!"

"You're not calm at all!" shouted Euphie.

"I don't want to calm down! I don't have to calm down and you can't make me!"

"You're acting like a petulant child!"

"I want to act like a child and you can't make me stop!" She stomped on the flooring and thrashed her hands around like Godzilla.

"You're supposed to be mature!"

"I don't want to be mature! "

"But you're so loud!"

"I'm allowed to be loud once in a while, everyone is!"

"You don't have to be so annoying whilst you're at it!"

"I want to be annoying! I'll be annoying all I want! The stupid Marauders are always loud, annoying and immature and I don't see _you _complaining!"

"You're acting like James!"

That did it, Lily stopped her tantrum, sat down and sulked.

"I'll never act like James! I never want to be put in event the same sentence him! I hate him!" she cried, banging on the table.

"Yes, yes Lily. We get you. Now stop banging on the table! You're spilling all the apple juice."

"Apple juice? Where?" she shot up instantly like a meer cat. Lily _loves _apple juice. She rarely got to drink any at Hogwarts because they preferred to serve pumpkin juice or other kinds of weird fruit of the magical world.

Ten minutes later, after much coaxing from Alice and Euphemia, Lily had finally calmed down and was currently seated on a chair, swinging her legs and sipping her apple juice like the good little girl she was.

"Phew! Now all we have to do is just make sure James doesn'- James!"

That drew Lily's attention, and rekindled her rage the moment she saw James enter the Great Hall.

"Brilliant! Just brilliant! That's right! Ruin ten minutes of my hard work! Ten minutes of my hard work spoilt in a single second. Just great!"

"POTTER! I AM GOING TO **KILL **YOU IN THE MOST PAINFUL, LONGEST, MOST SUFFERING WAY POSSIBLE! I'LL-"

"I'm sorry Lily," sincerely apologised James.

Much of the hall was really surprised. Right about now, James should be doing something stupid again like flirting with Lily and getting her even angrier.

"Sorry? YOUR'RE SORRY? I'LL MAKE YOU SORRY YOU POOFTER! I'LL HEX YOU INTO OBLIVION, I'LL MAKE YOU SORRY!"

At saying this, Lily shot a string of powerful curses and hexes designed to make James' life, especially his married life, difficult.

Luckily, James and Sirius were rather proficient with defense and being purebloods, they were trained to always be prepared, much to the relief of majority of the female population of Hogwarts.

"Lily! Calm down! Where are your prefect manners! You're setting a bad example for the first years!" shouted Euphie.

Lily looked around and noticed all the first years cowering from her, some were even crying (trust me, Lily is very scary when she's angry.)

This made Lily quite down and stop making a scene.

"This isn't over Potter. We'll settle this later," Lily hissed in the coldest and most venomous tones before stalking away.

"Prongs, you are royally stuffed."

"Nice to know Padfoot. Nice to know," sighed James with his head down.

"Don't worry James. That was an improvement," patted Remus. It was a slight lie, but at least it was an encouraging one.

"I don't know about this Remus. Lily seems to really hate me even if I tried to apologise to her."

"Talk about the understatement of the century," added Padfoot.

"Thanks. Very encouraging. I needed that," stated James dryly.

"Are you guys going to eat breakfast or what? We're going to Hogsmead in 20 minutes," reminded Alice.

"C'mon. Let's hurry," sighed James.

* * *

"Hey Rosmerta. You're looking especially pretty today. Did you do something to your hair?" flirted Sirius as he walked up to the bar with Remus in tow. Peter was off around Hogsmeade doing something on his own.

"Not particularly, but I did put on some make up just for you," humoured Rosemerta, the bar keeper of the Three Broomsticks.

"Why really? I didn't notice. Either I'm blinded by your beauty or so beautiful you're outshining my make up. I'm personally leaning towards both," exaggerated Padfoot.

"Nice try Black. But I'm more interested in your friend over there," she said.

"What? Who dares to outshine my sexiness?" he dramatised.

"Not in those terms, or is all you think about shagging every waking minute of your life?"

"Not only when I'm awake, but in my dreams too, he stated as proud as a peacock, "In fact last nigh-"

"Pads, I seriously don't want to listen to your dreams," interrupted Remus.

"Fine. Be that way," pouted Sirius.

"So," started Rosemerta, "as I was saying, what's up with Potter?" Gesturing her head at James, who was slumped in a chair back at the tables with a sad distance look in his eyes.

"Lily rejected him," informed Remus.

"That's not anything new."

"But you know James, he has to sulk over it every single time he's rejected, and that's about 12 times a day!" said Sirius.

"Wow, James' pretty serious about her isn't he?"

"Yeah, he's one track minded when it comes to Lily. If I didn't know him better, he'd be a creepy stalker or something," said Sirius.

"I don't even know why he's so into her anyway. Did you know, he rejected Monique Greengrass when she asked him out to Hogsmeade yesterday?" said Sirius incredulously, "I mean, _everyone _knows Monique Greengrass has-

"The biggest set of racks, yeah we know, we know," sighed Remus. Rosmerta just rolled her eyes.

"How did you know I was going to say that? Are you a legimens?" asked Sirius, they rolled their eyes again.

"Everyone knows you want to date her. In fact, I bet you're planning on asking her out tonight or something," said Rosmerta.

Sirius stared at her in shock, "How did you know? We've been together all this time and you never told me you were a seer? I'm so hurt!" he feigned, dramatically pressing his palms to his heart.

"Seer? What are you on about? And what do you mean together? I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I only date older guys."

"C'mon, give me a chance? You won't regret it."

"In your dreams Black," she replied.

"You know, I only dream when I sleep, and I sleep in bed. Care to join me?" he whispered the last part in her ear, smirking.

"Didn't I tell you I only date older guys? Maybe when you're...bigger," she replied.

Both Remus and Sirius raised their eyebrows.

Rosmerta mearely smiled.

* * *

Life was like hell. Why does Lily hate me so? Whenever I try to apologise to her, she gets angry. When I try to help her, she either mistakes it or think I'm after something. Can't I be nice to her without her trying to kick me? If only I was Jasper, she would never treat Jasper like that. I don't get it at all. All I usually had to do was sincerely apologise and maybe a box of chocolates to help, and she would always forgive me. Why can't the same happen with James? It's like she's deliberately finding some excuse to hate me.

"Still crying over Lily?" teased Padfoot, with the butterbeers in hand.

"I do not cry over Lily!" I retorted.

"Oh yeah? Then care to explain to me why there are tears in your eyes?"

I took off my glasses to check. He was right, my eyes were watery.

"I just got dust in my eye!" wiping it away.

"Oh right," he said sarcastically, "after all, dust can go straight though the glasses' lenses and right into your eyes."

"Put a sock in it Pads," I said.

"Ew! That's disgusting!" squealed Padfoot.

"I didn't mean it literally! It's muggle for shut up!" exclaimed Prongs, whacking Sirius at the back of the head.

"Oi, watch it! You could give me brain damage."

"And he needs every brain cell he has in that empty box of his," joked Remus.

"Were you just instintuating that I was unintellectual?" said Sirius.

"Sirius, you mean insinuating and there's no such word as unintellectual. It's just stupid. Need any more proof?" corrected Remus.

"Fine. You're smart. What do you want me to do? Giving you a, World's-Nerdiest-Walking-Talking-Furry-Encyclopaedia/Dictionary prize?"

"That's just stupid Pads," I said, "So anyway, not that you guys are done calling each other names, what are we going to do at Hogsmeade today?" sipping my beerbutter.

"I need to replenish my stock of chocolate at Honeydukes," said Remus, always the chocolate addict.

"I want to visit Zonko's to get more prank supplies," said Sirius excitedly.

"I was actually thinking, that we get our costumes done for Halloween. It's in a few weeks after all."

"Oh yeah, forgot about that," said Sirius, "That means we have to find something to spike the punch with."

"Padfoot! You will not be doing that!" berated Remus, "Do I have to remind you that I am a prefect and have to actually plan this ball too? I put a lot of effort into this ball, and I am not about to let another one of your stupid ploys spoil it!"

"So what prank are we going to pull?" asked Sirius, totally ignoring Remus.

"We can't discuss it here! What if people over hear us? Then the whole prank would be spoiled!" whispered James, "Discuss this in the Marauder's Den."

The Marauder's Den was what they nicknamed the secret room they found back in second year.

**Flashback**

The Marauders were sneaking around the Armoury Gallery with James and Sirius goofing around, Peter worried about being caught and Remus rolling his eyes at them trying to read his book.

"Hey, Pads, check out these statues of armour!" whispered James, gesturing towards them. Each was strictly line up against the walls facing inwards.

"Yeah," he replied, "look at that one!" Sirius pointed towards an armour, superior to the rest. It was a flamboyant suit with a large royal blue plume protruding from its helmet. The sword and shield was gilded with gold and studded with precious gems. On the shield was a lion heraldry, a sign of royalty. It stood tall in between the two lines of knights at the far end of the wall.

"Would you two quiet? We're not meant to be here remember?" whispered Remus standing next to them with Peter tagging along.

"C'mon live a little Moony! Salutations, your royal highness," James ostentatiously mocked bowed to the king's armour, Sirius doing the same.

"I seek liberation from you idiots!" Remus uttered.

To their shock, the knights animated and raised their swords in canon forming an arch corridor. The king moved his arms into an 'Egyptian mummy X' and a runic portal opened at the arch before magically morphing into the appearance of a double wooden door.

"Woah!" was the only thing that could come out of their mouths.

They gingerly headed towards the door and opened it.

They stared in awe at the room. It was lavishly furnished with a roaring fireplace, four comfortable armchairs in the colour of the houses and four detailed paintings of the founders on the walls. It was like the quarters from a palace. Crystal ornaments, exquisite paintings and gratifying decor decorated the room - definitely fit for a king.

"Wow. How did we do that?" asked James.

**End Flashback**

After some experimentation, they figured that if you bowed to the King and spoke, 'I seek liberation' the door to this room would be revealed. Remus did some research and discovered it was actually the Founders' secret lounge room where they could relax and enjoy themselves as friends.

From this room, you could access every house; Gryffindor Tower, Hufflepuff Basement, Slytherin Dungeons and Ravenclaw Tower - and vice versa. To do this, you simply had to tap a small X mark on the bottom right-hand corner of the correct portrait with your wand (Slytherin common room = Slytherin portrait etc) and say, _revenio (I return in Latin)._

Doing this would lead to you transporting yourself behind the portrait of the respective founder that hung on the walls of each common room (ie you tap the corner of Godric Gryffindor's portrait in the room, say _revenio, _get transported behind the portrait of Godric Gryffindor hanging in the Gryffindor common room) Here, behind the portrait, you could see what was going on in the common room, but they couldn't see you - very useful for spying on other houses and your own.

You can also just walk out of the portrait as from _behind_, it is intangible. You can also access it the same way from the common room, except the spell is _venio (I go in latin). _Obviously, you walking visibly straight out of a portrait would lead to attention and everybody finding out about it, but it's nothing a disillusionment charm can't fix as the process didn't involve any flashing lights like some other spells.

This secret room and its sneaky access had been very useful to the Marauders for their entire Hogwarts life. How else would you get to prank the other houses in their own dorms?

"It's so sad how we can't plot that room on the Marauders Map," said James.

"Sorry, but no matter how many spells we go through, the ink just disappears straight off the parchment when we try to draw it on the map. The Founders must have charmed it to be unplottable like the Room of Requirements," said Remus.

"We haven't been there since our last major prank," Sirius pointed out, refering to when they turned Lucius into a girl and made Snape wear a tutu.

"Yeah, we really need to go back there soon, I think I left one of my books there," said Remus.

"You read too much mate, but regardless, we have to go plan our prank there anyway," said Sirius.

"You better be leaving the Halloween Ball along! I'm telling you, I worked very hard on it!"

"Yeah, sure, sure, whatever!" Sirius brushed off.

* * *

"That stupid ponce! Sorry! SORRY? I'll show _him _sorry! Probably another ploy to trick me! He made me shout at him and embarrass myself in front of the entire hall!" screamed Lily down the streets of Hogwarts.

"Lily! Quiet! You've been on about this for the past twenty minutes! My ears are bleeding here!" complained Alice.

"Blame Potter! If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be complaining," Lily huffed.

"C'mon Lils. He's not that bad, he even apologised this morning. He usually wouldn't even extend such courtesy and just ask you out again or something," said Euphie.

"I bet it's some new plot of his to get me to date him."

"Do you have to think so badly of him all the time?" asked Alice.

"I wouldn't think negatively of him all the time if he wasn't bad," she retorted.

"But he wasn't bad this morning. He apologised to you, sincerely might I add. He's changed. He hasn't even hexed Snape unprovoked since the beginning of the year."

"So? At the end of the day, he still hexes Snape. Normal people don't hex him at all!"

"But he's changed Lily. He's improved so much! Why is it that you're the only person who can't see that?" exclaimed Alice, defending James.

"That's not enough. He still asks me out and pulls those annoying pranks of his," countered Lily.

"If he asks you out so constantly even though you always reject him, doesn't that just mean he really likes you? His pranks don't do any permanent damage on anyone. He usually only targets the entire school unless they particularly deserve it, and you have to admit, you've thought of them as ingenious at least once," argued Euphie.

"I have _never _thought that," Lily lied.

"Yes you have. Don't deny it, Lils. Everybody has. Heck, even McGonagall most definitely has. Admit it Lily, you have biased opinions about Potter," said Alice.

"I do not! He's just incredibly obnoxious!"

"See?"

"No I don't," Lily denied.

"Sorry to disrupt, but could we just end this discussion? As much as I would like to talk about Potter all day, if you haven't noticed, it's really cold outside and I would love to have a drink," pointed out Euphie.

"Let get inside the Three Broomsticks, hopefully we won't see Potter in here," said Lily as she swung open the door.

"I wouldn't hope too soon," started Euphie.

"He's right there," completed Alice, pointing towards the table of Marauders.

_Oh just great!_

"Come on, let get a seat _far _away from them," said Lily.

"Er...Lily? I don't think that's possible," Alice said uncertainly.

"Why would that be?"

"You see," started Euphie,"the Three Broomsticks is full."

All the other students had the same thought and came to the Three Broomsticks to dodge the cold. Not as single table was empty, all were jam packed with as many people as you could fit in them - all tables except the Marauder's, who could still fit about three more.

"There's enough space on the Marauder's table to squish us in," suggested Alice.

"C'mon, let's go to Madame Puddifoot's instead," said Lily as she headed back to the door.

"Madame Puddifoot's? Are you bonkers? I hate that place. It's so lacy and frilly and cramped and steamy and just awful," protested Euphie.

"Lily, you are not forcing us to Madame Puddifoot's just because of your distaste for James," said Alice.

"Distaste is a bit of an understatement really."

Alice and Euphemia just looked at her as if waiting.

"Fine!" Lily rolled her eyes, "But don't expect me to talk to them or anything."

The two just nodded and dragged her off towards the Marauders.

Something tells me, this will be anything but just another simple Hogsmeade trip.

* * *

**So how was it? If you don't understand how to get into the Founder's Secret Lounge (aka Marauder's Den) or don't understand how to use it to get into the common rooms, just PM me and I'll try to explain.**

**Here's a bit of a simple instruction of how the Armoury Gallery Entrance to the Founder's Secret Lounge works.**

**Basically:-**

**1. person stands in front of king**  
**2. bows to the king**  
**3. says 'I seek liberation'**  
**4. the knights and king become animated**  
**5. knights form a kind of arch by raising their swords in pairs (like you see in movies)**  
**6. king's arms go into an egyptian mummy X**  
**7. Portal starts forming at the last arch**  
**8. Runes around the portal light up**  
**9. portal takes the appearance of a large, double wooden door**  
**10. walk towards the door and open it**

**Voilà, you've entered the Founder's Secret Lounge.**

**Can I make it any clearer?**

**I have noticed not many people review and I'm frankly quiet upset about it. Could you please review? It would be much appreciated. If you can't give me a 100 reviews like I would want, can you at least try and get the number of reviews this story has up to 25? That's a reasonable number don't you think? I'm not like some other author's who threaten not to update, but still, could you _please _review? Please try your part and review. It would only take a little while. I'm not asking you to write a 50ft essay. Pretty, _pretty _please? It would make me so happy.**

**Thank you, I hope you enjoyed the chapter and will read future updates :) **


	11. Chapter 11

**Date Posted: 1st July 2010**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter**

**

* * *

**

"Wotcher!" said Alice to the Marauders.

That instantly gained their attention, especially James'. After all, it was not every day Lily would walk up to him, albeit she _was _being forcefully dragged by the two little minxes, Euphie and Alice - quite reluctantly might I add.

Lily was squashed between Euphie and Alice, leaning away from James and the rest of the Marauders as much as possible; some things just never change do they?

"Can we sit with you guys? The rest of the bar is full and it's getting pretty cold outside."

"Sure, no problem," welcomed Remus, after all, he was the most tolerated of the Marauders from Lily's perspective.

All the Marauders (except for Peter who is out doing his own thing) squished to one side to allow the three girls to seat. Lily was about to plot herself next to Remus, when the other two girls blocked her and plopped themselves in an available seat, leaving Lily the only option of sitting with James. I can frankly say she wasn't pleased.

Lily looked at James with disdain, before turning her head away and reluctantly sitting next to him. She perched herself as far away as possible and edged to the brink of the seat, her eyes never meeting his in the whole process.

James merely kept his head down and tried not to make Lily uncomfortable. He knew how hard this was for her, he didn't want to push her over the edge and rile her up any more than she was already.

"_I'm doing the right thing. Lily would be happier. You're not Jasper, you're James. Just give her some distance; don't invade her personal space; don't make her feel threatened. This is what Lily wants." _the voice echoed in his mind.

"What drinks would you girls like?" asked Rosmerta.

"Three butterbeers thanks," requested Euphie.

"We'll have three too," asked James, gesturing to the consumed bottles.

"No problem, be back in a sec."

"So, where's Peter?" asked Alice.

"Oh, he's just off doing something by himself. No idea what," answered Remus, "Why aren't you with Frank?"

"You know, if you're dumping him, I'd be glad to take his place," suggested Padfoot.

"As much as I'd love to humour you Sirius, I'm not so sure my boyfriend would like that," said Alice.

"I was only joking you know. Frank and I may not be the closest of friends, but I would never date his girl without first asking. I'm not that must of a jerk," assured Sirius, his spurious claim, questionable.

"Good, cause if he heard you, he'd probably sock you in the face. The reason he's not with me now, is because I take turns. One Hogsmeade trip with my friends, and one with Frank; I alternate," she explained.

"Here are your butterbeers," came Rosmerta with a platter of drinks.

"Thanks, " James quietly said, accepting the drinks from her before distributing them out.

"Here Lily," he hesitated, passing her her beerbutter.

Lily took one look at the drink, before averting her eyes elsewhere, "I'm not thirsty, or at the very least not from anything you've touched," she said sharply, "who knows, maybe you're desperate enough to put Love Potion in it," she sneered.

"Sorry," he murmured. James looked really hurt, but accepted it.

"I'll go ask Rosmerta for another beerbutter," he offered.

"No thanks," she said, "I can get my own." With that, she stalked off towards the bar for a new drink. She was still _very _angry about this morning and the Lyrical Lily incident. This was obviously affection her act.

"So..." Euphie tried to distract James from his despairing thoughts of Lily, "I heard you were planning to get it with Greengrass tonight Sirius," said Euphie.

"Does everyone know about this?" he exclaimed, "You're like, the third person today!"

"It doesn't take a genius to figure that out, though, I am one obviously," playfully boasted Euphie, skimming a look at James from the corner of her eye. He was staring blankly at a wall.

"Pads, will you ever think about anything other than shagging?" asked Remus.

At this, both girls snickered.

"You know, I can't help but notice the two of you, as well as most girls snicker when I talk to Pads. What's with you people?" asked Remus. Sirius couldn't help but nod in agreement.

The girls only snickered more at this comment.

"C'mon! What is it that you guys are always laughing about?" questioned Sirius.

"You're nickname for him is so stupid!" they girls giggled. At this point, James had gotten out of his temporary depression and had began listening to the conversation, curious as to where this was leading to.

"Padfoot? What's wrong with Padfoot?" asked Sirius.

"Yeah, what's wrong with Pads," Remus asked.

The girls couldn't help but laugh yet again, not only at the name, but at the boys blatant stupidity. Listening to a guy ask what was wrong with pads was just hilarious.

"What's wrong with pads?" joked the girls to themselves.

"What do you need, pads?" still chortling at their inside joke.

"I talked to pads," they were in mass hysteria by this time.

"What do you want, pads?" the girls were pounding at the table.

"Have you seen pads?" their eyes were tearing up with the questions they were asking each other.

James, by this time, had realised what the girls were on about. Sirius and Remus however, where still confused.

James couldn't help but turn a deep shade of vermilion red at what the girls were joking to themselves about. He had to admit, the thought never occurred to him that he might have been calling his best friend a er...blood soaking...thing? for most of his life at Hogwarts. They were guys. They didn't think about this stuff.

James wasn't sure whether he should be grateful to know about this stuff or disgusted by the fact he knew what the girls were talking about. The wizarding world didn't use pads. Nope, they had a special potion they drank instead ages ago. It was less messier and didn't give you annoying cramps, though, the degree of mood swings stayed the same.

The wizarding world is full of problems, with one of the major ones being the fact that they are behind times. But we're not just talking clothing and feminine hygene here, we're also talking about beliefs and morals. The muggle world, educates everyone, regardless of gender about the...physical development of both genders. The wizarding world however, finds that immoral and unnecessary due to their obsolete beliefs. This means that they only teach males about males, and females about females. This lead to the obvious problem that all wizarding guys knew next to nothing about females and their...time of the month.

Knowledge about this stuff wasn't unventured for James of course. He had just recently spent all of the last holidays learning about reproduction, genetics, DNA and all that stuff in science, but not everyone did muggle schooling as well as wizarding schooling like he did. All those American comedies he's seen on TV weren't exactly sexual reference free either (Thumbs up for Two and a Half Men). Wizards couldn't learn about this sort of stuff at Hogwarts because they've probably never even heard of the word science before; it would be meaningless with all these defied laws due to magic. They also didn't know about television like James and muggleborns did. So here you have people raised in the wizarding world not knowing anything about the opposite gender, and all of them, even the witches, didn't know about pads because they had used to potion for as long as they could remember.

Lily came back from the bar with a questioning and curious expression. Remus and Sirius looked about as clueless as a two year old who just had Quantum Physics explained to them and Alice and Euphie looked like they got hit with a dozen _rictumsempra_s. Potter was just looking like Potter always does. Pathetic, cocky and obnoxious. Bit opinionated anyone?

After Euphie and Alice finally calmed down, Lily asked, "Anyone want to fill me in on what happened during the past five minutes I was gone?" she said, raising an eyebrow.

Euphie and Alice relapsed into their fits of laughter and James flushed red again, whilst Remus and Sirius were begining to get more frustrated than confused.

"Moony, why do I feel like I'm missing something major here?" asked Sirius.

"I dunno Pads, but I'm going to find out," replied Remus. If Remus didn't know something, then he would be sure to find out or die trying. Something tells me the library is going to have constant company for a while.

"You didn't tell them why all the girls laugh did you?" asked Lily, "It's been a sacred secret since third year!" **(they didn't become animagus' until fourth or fifth year in the canon I think but just stick to it. In my story, they became animagus in the beginning of third year after practising all holidays when they found out about Lupin in early second year.)**

It was unspoken that anyone who knew about the joke was not to explain it to the Marauders. As far as the Hogwarts population knew, they were all raised in the wizarding world by wizarding beliefs (other than James, but they didn't know that). Any muggleborn (male or female), or any wizarding world raised personnel who had it explained to them, would never divulge this to any of the Marauders. No one really wanted to explain it to them anyway. Not only was it an embarrassing topic, but it was fun to laugh right in their face without them knowing why. Payback for all those pranks I suppose.

"Of course we didn't tell. Where would the fun be in that?" sputtered Euphie.

"Though, it would be entertaining to watch the shock and disgust on their faces if we explained it," added Alice.

James just sat there trying to look confused...failing miserably because he couldn't stop blushing.

Lily sat back in her seat, as far away from Potter as possible and began to sip her drink.

"Look Lily, I'm really sorry abou-" started James.

"Shut up Potter. I don't want to hear it," sneered Lily as she began edging further away to the very brink of her seat.

"Lily, I just want to apologise. Can't you at least grant me that?"

"Fine. Apology accepted. Now go sod off!"

This reply didn't exactly make James feel any better. If anything, it made him feel worse. He knew Lily could be a stubborn and very cold person to anyone she hated. But never, not even to Malfoy or Tod Willis (the school bully if you remember from ch4) had she shown such quintessential hatred. Hatred from Lily, even after five years of suffering under it, was still a very foreign thing to James. It was so different from that sweet, kind and gentle green-eyed girl that Jasper loved and cared for everyday.

James relented. It wouldn't do to accidentally vex Lily in this state. Yes, best not to annoy her and let her calm down.

"_You're not Jasper, you're James. Just give her some distance; don't invade her personal space; don't make her feel threatened. This is what Lily wants. Yes, that's what is most important. Give her some distance; don't invade her personal space; don't make her feel threatened. Give her some distance; don't invade her personal space; don't make her fe-"_

James' and Sirius' duelling enhanced instincts and Remus' lycanthropy were blaring danger louder than a trumpeting herd of elephants. All of them reacted simultaneously, pushing down the person closest to them under the table and protecting them with their bodies.

"Get off me Potter! You anim-"

**BOOM!**

People began screaming and ducking for cover as one of the walls of the pubs were blasted away, sending debris flying everywhere.

Through the gaping hole in the wall you could see dozens of Death Eaters swarming around shops, causing havoc and bedlam destruction. Everybody was ducking for cover and seeking shelter in the stores.

It was a Death Eater attack.

"We have to get out of here," James whispered as he saw the Death Eaters working their way closer to them. He was currently smashing Honeyduke's.

"Are you nuts?" said Lily, "Imagine what they would do if they caught us? We should just stay here and try not to draw attention to ourselves whilst the professors are coming."

"No, Lily. They're going to get here before the professors can. We have to go now while we still have a chance," said Sirius.

"That's insane," argued Alice, "There's no way any of us can defeat a Death Eater!"

"We don't have to defeat them, we just have to get back to the safety of the castle," said Remus.

"Then we better hurry up, because that Death Eater's not going to have a Honeyduke to keep him occupied for long!" announced Sirius.

Taking advantage of his occupied state, all of them rushed out along with some others that had yet to escape the Three Broomsticks. They dashed towards the huge hole in the wall, a gift from one of the Death Eaters.

"This isn't a good idea! We should just stay here and wait for Dumbledore," said Euphie.

The boys just ignored her and pointed to a large piece of debris.

"We can take cover there. It should be be able to take a couple of mild spells, and it's large enough to cover all of us," said James. It took some time to realise what it was. It was very familiar. After some squinting, they were able to identify the mysterious object as what used to be the Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop. Hogsmeade was going to have a long recovery period.

When they felt none of the Death Eaters were looking, they bolted behind the remains the shop. They were about to scramble to the next location behind Spintwitches, when one of the Death Eaters caught sight of them.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" mocked one of the masked Death Eaters fiddling with his wand, "A bunch of little kiddies thinking they can hide from the great, powerful all-knowing me. If it was any other Death Eater maybe, but I'm sorry to inform you I am the gre-"

_"Petrificus Totalus!" _shot James, "He really should talk less."

"No time to comment James. Less talking, more running!" said Remus.

And so they did. They made a break for the path back to Hogwarts. They sprinted as fast as they could, occasionally employing their duellings skills to hex Death Eaters in their way or attacking other students.

"Duck!" James shouted, pulling Lily down as flashing red spell zoomed over head, "_Confringo!"_ James shot back, hitting the Death Eater dead on.

"Unhand me Potter!"

"Lily, as much as I'd love to chat, I'm a bit busy right now," said James, cursing another Death Eater, saving some threatened younger years, "_Bombarda! Impedimentia! "Confringo!"_

"Run!" shouted Sirius.

"Run where? In case you haven't noticed, there are Death Eaters blocking the path!" screamed Euphie as she dodged a red stunner. The seriousness of the situation was affecting people and their tempers.

"_Diffindo!" _cast Sirius, cutting down the Death Eater, "Can you run now?"

"Run? We can't run! What about the other students? We can't just leave them. They're going to die!" protested Lily, shooting a stunner at the cloaked assailants.

"Run ahead Lils, we'll take care of it," said James, shooting down yet another Death Eater. He wasn't the son of the top Auror for nil.

"No, I will not runaway. I'm not some damsel in distress you think you have to prove to. I can look after myself fine you sexist bastard," she yelled back.

"I didn't mean that. I didin't mean to- _Reducto! _offend you. I just don't want you to- _Expulso! _Get hurt," James finally finished.

"I can look after myself fine you chauvinistic pig!" proving her self by hexing a Death Eater meters away from her.

"I'm apologise if you took offence to that. It was not my intention."

Other students, seeing their skill, shrouded behind them for protection whilst some of the older years joined their ranks. Slowly, the faction inched their ways towards the safety of Hogwarts.

In the corner of her eye, Lily saw a straggling younger student under the debris. Without thought, she rushed towards him in aid.

"What's wrong?" she shouted at him amongst the melee.

"My leg. It's trapped!" yelled back the first year.

_"Wingardium Leviosa!"_

The burden lifted, freeing the younger year.

"Run towards that group," she pointed to wards Marauders and friends, "stay behind them, and they'll protect you."

"Thank you," he cried with tears of gratitude before dashing off towards what seemed like a sanctuary in burning depths of hell.

"Oh, what do we have here? Got left behind darl'?" teased a Death Eater, barely a foot away from her.

Lily stiffened. She tried raising her wand at him, but he just swiped it away. She tried diving for her wand, but he kicked it away, far out of her grasp. Her entire body was tense with exorbitant fear. She was now unarmed and separated from her group. She was now alone with a Death Eater.

"Even though you're a stupid Gryffindor, you're a fairly beautiful - beautiful enough for a good fuck I suppose," he slunk closer with a lecherous grin on his face, his eyes scanning the length of her body before lingering at her chest.

You could hear her heart pumping over a thousand miles a second. She knew what he was refering to. She had read in the Prophet about what they would do to women caught up in Death Eater raids. Raped before killed like worthless flies and she could do nothing to save herself. Savages! She didn't have her wand, she didn't know martial arts and no-one was here to help her. Her eyes began to water in despair as her body trembled like a leaf in the wind.

He strode closer, approaching like leopards on the hunt. She tried running away. Anything, _anything _would do at this point, but he was physically stronger than her and clutched her wrists tightly as she struggled. He slithered closer and brushed her vibrant red hair aside before roughly copping a feel of her chest. She could do nothing but whimper and shake.

"Don't worry," he whispered huskily, "you'll enjoy it."

Tears of fear were now freely cascading from her eyes. She couldn't do anything. She couldn't even scream, her voice lost in an unfathomable crevasse of dismay.

He latched onto her with bruising strength and suddenly pushed her down on the cold, hard earth with a loud thud! This abrupt action gave her her voice back.

_"...call for me, and I will always come for you..." _she remembered and screamed the first word that came into her mind:-

"JASPER!"

"_Expulso!" _cast a shadowed figure.

The spell threw the bastard off Lily and smashed him through two walls before landing awkwardly on his neck.

The hidden figure cradled a still shocked Lily and hauled her to safety.

Lily still couldn't think straight. She didn't want to think; to remember what had just nearly happened. She just lost herself in the void of blankness that had overcome her. Tears still freely flowed from her face as she allowed herself to immerse in the safe arms of her saviour. The day must have taken it's toll, as she drifted off into the darkness with only one thought lingering on her mind:_Jasper had come, just like he always said he would..._

_

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_

**A/N - Was that awkward to read? Because it sure was awkward to write about how witches deal with their time of the month. Writing a Hogsmeade attack is so much harder than reading one. Didn't I do a crap job of it or do you think it was reasonable? So about the scene with Lily and the Death Eater. Never written something like that before. So it was probably a bit weird.**

**I would like to clarify that although Lily would usually know that Jasper, being a muggle, would not be in Hogsmeade not would he be able to help her even if he was, Lily wasn't exactly thinking straight. She's just been through a Death Eater attack and was about to be raped - not the idea situation to have a clear head. Her thoughts and emotions are kinda haywire right now so she just screamed the first name that came into her mind - Jasper.**

**Thank you alias093001 for questioning that and thanks Darth obnoxious for pointing out some mistakes in this chapter. I have tried my best to address them and I hope you find these changes satisfying.**

**Thanks for all those who reviewed. Special thank to Lily. and .Alice who was awesome enough to review 10 times. Really appreciate it; it helped me write faster. I hope the rest of you are also planning on reviewing this chapter. I'd like to aim for 35 this time. That's not to evil of me is it?**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Pls R&R!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Date Posted: 4th July 2010**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

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Hi,

These are the instructions on how to use what the Marauder's call the Box Route. The story for this chapter is just after this short section.

The Box Route is a secret way to travel the Marauders find out about. The Box Route will be featured later in this chapter.

The instructions are relatively simple.

You tap the correct 2 coordinates with your wand and you will find yourself magically transported there.

The first point tells the portal which floor of Hogwarts and the second one tells it which room.

All around Hogwarts castle there are "田's" hidden all over the place. The four square grid can range in size. It's basically just a square divided into four equal smaller squares (careful of the encoding of your brower if you can't see the symbol properly). They can be anywhere and are very cleverly hidden. For instance on the underside of a window sill, on the frame a portrait, on one of the many stone bricks of Hogwarts etc.

These "田" are all linked together and work the same way.

The Box is based on a number system.

The center of the cross in the square is 0. Zero means the ground floor of Hogwarts.

Starting from the top left hand corner of the square is one, you then count the corners in a clockwise direction. The number tells you which floor it will lead you to. eg. top left corner (1) = 1st floor, top right (2) = 2nd floor, bottom right (3)= 3rd floor, bottom left (4) = 4th floor.

Then the four points of the cross. You start from the arm of the cross that points up and continue counting in a clockwise direction. The one pointing up is the 5th floor (5), right (6) = 6th floor, down (7) = 7th floor and left (8) = is below ground floor ie the dungeons or kitchens.

After you tell it which floor you want to go to by tapping the correct point on the box, you have to tell it where on that floor.

The way numbers correspond to the box is the same.

**8. Below Ground Floor**  
1. Potions Classroom  
2. Head of Slytherin's Office  
3. Slytherin Common Room  
4. Hufflepuff Common Room  
5. Kitchens

**0. Ground Floor**  
1. Entrance Hall  
2. Entrance Hall Antechamber  
3. Great Hall  
4. Staffroom  
5. Caretaker's Office

**1. First Floor**  
.1. Girl's Lavatory - Out of Order  
2. History of Magic classroom  
3. Gryffindor Head's Office  
4. Herbology Greenhouses

**2. Second Floor**  
1. Entrance to Headmaster's Office (prior to 1995)  
2. Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor's Office

**3. Third Floor**  
1. Charms Classroom  
2. Trophy Room and Armour Gallery  
3. Defence Against the Dark Arts Classroom  
4. Hospital Wing

**4. Fourth Floor**  
1. Library  
2. Storage Room  
3. Bathroom

**5. Fifth Floor**  
1. Prefects' bathroom  
2. Muggle Studies Classroom

**6. Sixth Floor**  
1. Boy's Lavatory  
2. Study of Ancient Runes Classroom

**7. Seventh Floor**  
1. Ravenclaw Head's Office  
2. Room of Requirement  
3. Arithmancy classroom

(This is a refined version of the list from Harry Potter Wikia - Hogwarts Castle )

Eg. You would use your wand and tap:

Arithmacy Classroom: Down (7), Bottom right corner (3)

Library: Bottom Left corner (4), Top Left corner (1)

Staffroom: Center (0), Bottom Left corner (4)

Kitchens: Left (8), Up (5)

You get it?

This Box can also take you to the official offices of the Founders. The Box is divided into four quarters. Depending on which square you tap you will get transported to which Founder's office. Starting from the top left square and going clockwise you have Gryffindor's Office, Hufflepuff's Office, Ravenclaws' Office and Slytherin's Office is the last at bottom left square. The order is easy to remember as it is just their name of the founders in alphabetical order. I will have an example of this in use possibly in the next chapter.

Note that this system is only for inside the castle. It does not lead to Hogwarts Grounds or the Towers. I also realise that if this was made in the time of the Founders the classrooms will have changed etc. I am not bothered to factor that into this Box Route. This Box route is based on the Marauder's Era layout so it doesn't include Slughorn's second office or the changed entrance to the Headmaster's Office.

Includes:  
Major Classrooms of permanant Fixure (no temporary classrooms)  
Rooms of the correct time (i.e. not Headmaster's 2nd Office Entrance or Slughorn's Second Office)  
Rooms in the physical castle (i.e. not courtyards)  
The offices of the Founders

Does NOT include:  
Hogwart Grounds  
Towers  
Common Rooms that are in Towers (Gryffindor Tower, Ravenclaw Tower)  
Access to _inside _Headmaster's Office, just the entrance to it, as the Headmaster's Office is in a tower (Headmaster's Tower)

If you want to access Gryffindor and Ravenclaw Tower, you can use the box to get to the Founder's Secret Lounge either through the Armour Gallery, Hufflpuff Basement or Slytherin Dungeons, all of which can be directly accessed through Box Route. You can also take the Box to the closest location and walk there.

This chapter will have an example of how it is used. Sorry if you don't understand. If you wish for clarification even after you see the example you are welcome to PM me with your questions.

Memorising the list and the coordinates for the use of the Box Route isn't necessary as I will tell you the points pressed and where it leads to so you don't have to jump back and forth between chapters in the future. However, if I don't tell you the coordinates or where it led to then it is probably because I don't want you to know where they went.

**Story starts now!**

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Between the four the bleak grey walls of the Hospital Wing slept half a dozen students. None were seriously injured thanks to the finesse and teamwork of the upper years. Among the students was one Lily Evans. After her fainting episode she was now sleeping in one of the beds of the Hospital Wing. Madame Pomfrey was temporarily in the Headmaster's office at one in the morning.

"Help me..." cried Lily weakly in her sleep.

"Wake up Lily," a concerned voice gently cooed.

_That voice...Jasper? What's he doing here?_

"Help me Jasper! The Death Eater is after me again," still trapped in her nightmare.

The owner of the voice softly shook Lily from her sleepy stupor.

"Wake up now Lily. It's just a nightmare. No-one's going to hurt you," assured the person.

Lily's eyes were still sleepily closed as she thrashed in her sleep.

"C'mon Lils, wake up and everything will be OK," the voice calmed Lily with comforting embrace.

She reciprocated the hug by locking him in even tighter. She rested her head on their right shoulder as she screwed her eyes shut the entire time in attempt to stop the tears from pouring out. It didn't help. The tears still cascaded from her eyes as she cried in fear for what happened and what could have happened at Hogsmeade.

The person sent a patronus to Alice and Euphie - they would be the first to want to know that Lily was awake.

"I was so scared. In my dream you didn't come when I called for you! I couldn't do anything and he-!" she stuttered and cried, unable to finish her words.

"Shhh," he hushed, rubbing her back in soothing circles, "It's only a dream. A bad nightmare, nothing else. He didn't succeed in the end. Everything's alright."

Lily continued sobbing on his shoulder for a while.

"Lily! You're awake!" simultaneously cried Euphie and Alice. As they crashed into her with strangling hugs.

"Guys, I need to breathe!"

"We were so worried about you! If James didn't save you, you could have died!"

"James?"

"What's with the perplexed look Lily? Wasn't the reason you were hugging James because he saved you?"

Lily turned around and saw the person she was hugging for the first time. Since she was crying with her eyes closed, she never _saw _who it was.

"Merlin's Beard! Potter! But-but I thought-! Your voice! It sounds like-! But-What?"

"Sorry Lily," James looked apologetically, "I knew you thought I was Jasper, but you were so upset I thought it would be better to let you cry a bit first. I didn't mean to deceive you."

Lily still looked just as shocked.

"Lily, are you alright?" asked Euphie and Alice worriedly.

"I'm fine," she said uncertainly, "What time is it?"

"It's one in the morning."

"One in the morning? Why are you guys here? It's way past curfew!"

"We kinda sneaked in," they said sheepishly.

"Alice! Euphie! How could you? You have any idea how much trouble you two can get in if you guys are caught? How did you get past Filch anyway? He's everywhere!"

"Well, when you're friends with the Marauders you have little regards for rules. Not to mention it makes sneaking around the castle late at night a lot easier too," they explained.

"Can we get back on topic can we?" asked Alice, trying to divert the attention from their blatant rule breaking, "How are you feeling Lils? You fainted right after James saved you from the Death Eater and he carried you all the way back to the Hospital Wing from Hogsmeade."

"No, I'm quiet all right now after-" she flushed red in embarrassment. She had just spent a good ten minutes consciously in Potter's arms crying and talking about the incident and being comforted by a boy. And not just any boy, Potter! For Merlin's sake, Potter? She thought it was Jasper. If it was Jasper, then - yea, that would have been fine, he's Jasper_. _Anything's fine with Jasper. But Potter? Not a snowball's chance in hell!

_"Human ears are so unreliable when it comes to identification." thought Lily. _**(A/N - Yup I agree! I heard Baby by Justin Beiber about five times on the radio and the thought of a boy singing it never even crossed my mind. In fact, the only reason I now know is 'cause I was talking to a friend and said, "Her song's quite catchy." and my friend was like, "It's a guy." I was so shocked and WTF-ing continuously. Human ears are so unreliable.)**

"Lily, are you alright? You look kinda out of it," said Alice, waving her hand in front of Lily and bringing her out of her thoughts, "Is something wrong? Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm fine. Really," she added as reassurance upon seeing their faces, "But there is something I would like to talk about but..." Lily stared at James, sending the unspoken message.

"S'alright, I ought to be leaving. Get well soon. See you guys in the morning," said James as he prepared to take his leave.

"Oh, and James," said Lily uncertainly. He stopped and turned to face her, his attention drawn to the fact she called by his first name, albeit nervously, but it was already a huge improvment, "Thank you for saving me. It was really nice of you."

"Would have done it for anyone, but thanks accepted. Bye, Lily."

You could see the impish grin on his face. He was euphoric that Lily had decided to call him something other Potter, jerk, ponce, prick, prat, twat and a bill of other things from her colourful vocabulary. He personally thought it was improper of ladies to swear, but that could possibly be classified as sexism, and everyone knows not to display any such tendencies in front of Lily if you wanted to carry on the family name. Unless you were female or a close friend, she will insist that you say Magical world as opposed to Wizarding world. Apparently she classified it as unfair to all witches. Bit of an extremist don't you think?

James happily left the Hospital Wing extremely content that Lily had finally called him by his first name. Knowing him, he would have probably shouted it to the world and everyone in the castle at that very moment if it wasn't for the fact that it was well past one and bordering on two or that he would get into huge amounts of trouble for doing so.

James slunk down the silent corridors of the majestic castle, occasionally skipping a step or two from joy - in a manly manner of course. He had just reached the Grand Staircase which would take him back to Gryffindor Tower on the Seventh Floor when he heard Mrs. Norris heading straight for him.

"Meow~"

_Oh shit, it's Mrs. Norris. _**(A/N - Sakura Lisel previously pointed out Filch should have a different cat because otherwise it would be really old. But changing it now would be too confusing so bare with me and pretend magucal cats live ages. Thanks!)**

Everybody knows right behind Mrs. Norris was Filch. James looked around for an escape route. He couldn't back-track as that was where Mrs. Norris was coming from. He also couldn't just use his invisibility cloak. Whilst it may delude her sense of sight, she could still smell him. If Mrs. Norris just stood there scratching and sniffing at the cloak, it would definately attract Filch's attention. Even if he made himself intangible like a ghost she would still sense him. No, charms were not the solution, the only way out was the Grand Staircase, but the stupid moving thing was on the wrong flight right now. He couldn't wait for the correct flight to connect him to the 7th Floor. He didn't have time, any second now and Mrs. Norris would be behind him.

Without further thought he took it and ended up on the 5th Floor.

_Great! How am I going to get back to the common room now? I can't use the Grand Staircase 'cause that's where Filch and that damnable cat are. Looks like my only option is the Box Route._

The Marauders didn't use the Box Route often. They usually prefered to roam the corridors of Hogwarts as opposed to jumping from place to place. It lacked the sense of adventure. Usually, the only time they ever used it was when they're were late to class or about to get caught.

James headed towards the nearest Box, the Prefects' Bathroom. The Prefect's Bathroom was right next to the statue of Boris the Bewildered. The statue of him wore a ring, and on the ring was the Box engraved into it (symbol "田" not words).

James cast a disillusionment and intangibility charm on himself before gingerly heading towards the statue and carefully tapped the correct coordinates to the Armour Gallery (3,2) before he was magically transported to the Trophy Room and Armour Gallery.

To Box Route, it is advisable to make yourself not only invisible, but intangible as well because, unlike the portrait passage in the Founder's Secret Lounge, you didn't end up behind a portrait or somewhere where normal people couldn't access, nope, you were out in the open where people could see you and walk right into you. It is because of this reason they cast an intangibility spell on themselves and the disillusionment charm to prevent people seeing them or walking right into them when they use the Box Route as they couldn't check if anyone was on the other side.

James exited from the other end of the portal, a small Box at the bottom of a display cabinet in the Trophy Room which was closely connected to the Armour Gallery. He walked up towards the King and respectfully bowed before whispering, _I seek liberation._

Not a second later the knights all raised their swords and formed the magic portal. Silently of course, as to not attract attention. It would defeat the whole purpose of it being a _secret _lounge if it attracted attention.

He pushed open the two grand doors to the lounge to be greeted by the warmth of the fireplace as the portal closed behind him.

"Hey guys, long time no see," greeted.

"Hey dude, how s'it been?" asked the animated portrait of Godric Gryffindor.

"'Ric, that is not proper grammar. Say it again; properly this time."

"But R'ena, that's how people greet each other nowadays," whined Godric.

"I don't care. You are not some silly teenager. I will not accept such deplorable english."

"Now, now R'ena, it's not that bad," placated the portrait of Helga, always the peacemaker, "Let him have his fun. You know how childish he is."

"I second that," added Salazar playfully as he slid into Godric's portrait.

"Sal, you traitor," Godric dramatized.

"However," Sal continued, "You do have to start accepting all these new words and slang R'ena."

"Yes, the times are changing R'ena. Accept it," said Ric.

"Join the Dark Side," said Sal darkly.

"We have cookies," continued Ric, before he and Sal were holding onto their stomachs and laughing like a pack of insane hyenas on helium and crack.

"I see you have taken to the movie I left here last time," said James, genuinly pleased.

"Oh Merlin, not again!" exclaimed R'ena, "Those two have been cracking themselves up with that line since you showed them that Star Wars. They're obsessed with it!"

"C'mon Rena, it was a brilliant movie! If you can't beat them, join 'em. Or the Force will get you," Helga added on a second note, having a good chuckle herself. This made Sal and Ric laugh even harder at the look of displeasure on Rena's face. They now had to lean on each other as support or they would have been on the ground, their laughter affecting their balance.

"Not you too Bell! This is insane!" R'ena complained. Bell was Helga's nickname. Who wanted to be called Hel?

"Anyways James, watcha doing here this late?" asked Bell, ignoring R'ena's glare for her 'bad language'.

"Nothing much, I had to come here to dodge Filch. I'm on my way back to my common room."

"That loner and his cat again hey?" asked Sal.

"Yeah," James smiled towards Sal. Most people would be pretty shocked, he and the Marauders were the first time they met his portrait too, but Salazar Slytherin was not a bad guy. Over the years, James and the rest of the Marauders had become pretty good friends with the Founders and got to know them personally...well maybe portraitally?

Salazar didn't hate muggles the way Slytherins and purebloods portrayed him to. No, Sal didn't mind muggles or muggleborns, he's just worried about keeping the Wizarding World a secret from Muggles. This didn't mean he hated them or supported mass eradication of them - no way. Over the thousands of years, Salazar's beliefs had been misinterpreted and misunderstood. If playing a short game of Chinese Whispers could give you a whole different sentence, then imagine what a thousand years could do.

He himself was a bit ashamed of the attitude his house had against muggleborns. Although not all, and in fact most Slytherins weren't evil or bullys, the more prominent figures in his house were, creating the illusion that the entire house were prejudiced ponces.

"Remus left his book here last time, have you seen it?" asked James.

"Yeah, it's just there on the coffee table," directed Bell.

"Thanks." he said, grabbing hold of the book, "I really should get going now, it's really late," James said whilst heading towards the portrait of Godric Gryffindor, "but before I go, could I ask your help for something?"

"Sure," they all replied.

"I have this friend who I really care about, and she just got attacked. I want to give her something that will keep her safe, but I don't want it to track her or make her feel restricted; she wouldn't like that. So I thought I'd give her a nice necklace charmed to protect her from spells with the intention of harm. I don't want to buy it, it's not as trustworthy, so I have to make it myself."

"Sounds like something you could easily at your level," said Sal. James and the rest of the Marauders sans Peter were pretty powerful. The Founders would sometimes teach them things, especially wandless magic as wands weren't use often in their time.

"Well, maybe, but I want her to be _really _safe so it has to be perfect and really powerful. Not some simple spell that would leave any risk of her getting harmed. I was wondering if you guys knew anything more advanced that would _definitely _protect her."

"Well, I should have some in my personal library," informed Rowena, "you can come here and we can try to help you after you've read them."

"Thanks," smiled James gratefully.

"Are you planning on buying the necklace and charming it or making one of your own from scratch?" asked Helga.

"If you infuse your magic with the metal as you make it into a necklace, it will be much more powerful," said Salazar.

"I would love to make one, but I don't really know how. I don't want to give her an ugly blob of metal," said James uncertainly.

"Come here if you have time. I can help you infuse your magic with the metal, Bell can help with making the necklace and R'ena can help with the charms," said Sal. While being portraits, they didn't have magic, but they still had all the knowledge they could use to instruct James on his task.

"Oi! What about me? What can I do?" asked Godric, the only one who had yet to contribute to the necklace.

"Why you asking me? I'm not you," said Sal.

"Good point," he said, rubbing his chin with his hands in a thinking posture.

"God he's slow isn't he?" asked Sal.

"Who's slow?" asked Godric.

"See what I mean? A snail can travel faster than his thoughts!" exclaimed Sal.

All the occupants of the room laughed, including Ric - he had yet to figure out who they were laughing at...

"I know!" He suddenly jerked up, "I can ask my familiar, Fawkes, to donate some of his tears. We can incorporate that to the necklace and charm the necklace to use the tears to heal her whenever she has serious injuries."

"Thank you so much! That would be brilliant!" thanked James.

"Even your bird is contributing more than you. You really oughta be ashamed Ric," teased Sal.

"It's not my fault. What we're doing here isn't my forte. I'm better at outright brash offensive spells. Not such delicate arts," defended Godric.

"It's alright 'Ric. The phoenix tears help _heaps _already," said James with a huge smile, so happy he had such good friends who were willing to help him in his project to protect Lily.

"See? That's how you should all be treating me. Some friends you are," sulked 'Ric.

They all just laughed.

"See ya guys, and once again, thanks for helping me with the necklace," he waved with the hand with his book as the other was holding his wand.

"No problem. Come whenever you have the time. It's not like we have anything else to do or anywhere else to go," said Bell.

"I'll try to bring another movie or two...and a documentary," James added upon seeing R'ena's look of dread, "Thanks. Bye," said James before he cast a disillusionment charm on himself again and tapped the X at the corner of Godric Gryffindor's portrait.

"_Revenio_" whispered James, and he was whisked off behind a duplicate in Gryffindor Common room.

James looked through the portrait and checked that there was no one in the common room. There shouldn't be I suppose, it was a nearly three. At least classes were cancelled tomorrow due to the Hogsmeade incident.

Keeping the disillusionment charm on just in case, he crept up the stairs to the boys dormitory.

He gently opened the door to their dormitory and smiled at the sight.

Peter was squeaking something about cheddar cheese and Pads...foot, ahem, was yipping and making excited doggy noises whilst waving his limbs all over the place. Padfoot was probably chasing something - squirrels again? Maybe or rabbits?

He remembered, the first time he transformed he was running all over the place after smaller creatures or chasing his tail.

_Maybe I should have taken pictures for blackmail. Force him not to compliment him self for a week? Or maybe profess his undying love for Snape. Perhaps Snape _and _Lucius. _

A cruel smile grew on his face.

He last turned to Moony. How could he not have guessed?

Moony was moaning something about chocolate waterfalls and chocolate rain.

_Maybe I should introduce him to Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971). _**(A/N - I like the old version better than the newer 2005 one. The old one is Willy Wonka and the new one and book is Charlie.)**

He gently place Moony's book on Moony's bedside table before crashing into his bed and falling instantly into a deep, well deserved sleep.

* * *

**So how did everyone like this chapter? I couldn't resist putting the Founders in there because I _love _them. I don't like perceiving Slytherins or Salazar as evil. In fact, Salazar is my favourite Founder then Ravenclaw and Slytherin is my favourite house. Any other Slytherin or Salazar fans out there?**

**I love fanfiction with Salazar or Slytherin!Harry. Especially ones where Harry is the reincarnation of Salazar Slytherin. Or all the Founders are reincarnated or something. If it is necessary to make Slytherins or Salazar evil for plots sake, then I don't mind as long as it's good. I just LOVE good Salazar fics.**

**If anyone knows good fics PLEASE! tell me. I'll be forever grateful. Slytherin!Harry or reincanation of the Founders or basically any fic featuring the Founders PLEASE let me know!**

**Now that I've finished pining and broadcasting my love for Salazar and Slytherins, please let me know on what you think of this chapter.**

**PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! (R&R - It actually took me a while to realise what it stood for. Kinda sad really. It proves all the times my dad calls me stupid about 6 times a day. Oh well.)**

**REVIEW!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Date Posted: 16th July 2010**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

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*SPLASH*

*BANG*

*WHAM*

*BOOM*

*POW*

*CLANG*

*CLASH*

Remus, as I'm sure many of you have already guess, was once again trying to wake the Marauders up. Whilst they may not have classes it didn't mean they didn't have to wake up. He cast a tempus charm. Remus had started this escapade at one in attempt to get them up for lunch - it was now one thirty and he was still having little success.

He had hoped not to resort to this as he personally loathed it, but his fellow Marauders left him with no choice. He scoured his trunk for the magical recording James had given to him as a joke.

It was, the dreaded, almighty, ear-piercing, blood-curdling, hell-raising...

CHINESE OPERA!

*insert dramatic Beethoven Fifth Symphony dun-dun-dun-dun!  
**(A/N - review anyone who agrees they can't stand that stuff! If you like it, no offence intended. My grandfather likes it and my aunty _sings _it. Luckily I don't live with either of them, but if you do like it, your free to continue doing so.)**

Merlin it was bloody loud. He couldn't stand the stuff. It could wake the dead if given a chance. No wonder only ancient grannies and senile gramps listened to it. They were so deaf they probably couldn't even hear the damned stuff.

Remus added a Mandrake-Proof earmuffs on top of his earplugs to ensure extra protection. The first time he heard it, he thought it was from some horror film like the one James showed them once. James apparently thought it was a good idea to play Chinese Opera every time he was trying to think. Needless to say even Remus couldn't resist almost socking him in the face after the 3rd day.

3...

2...

1...

SCREEEECHHHH!

I'd rather listen to the Banshee of the Year than this stuff.

Luckily, the rest of the Marauders seemed to think so too as the all hit the ceilings straight after the first note played.

"EEEEKKKKKKK!" squealed Peter.

"MOONY YOU WANKER! TURN THAT THING OFF!" shouted James at the top of his lungs, covering his ears as much as possible to protect any hearing he had left.

"MOONY, IF YOU DON'T THAT THAT THING OFF _RIGHT _NOW, I'LL THROW YOU INTO A POOL OF SILVER!" Sirius had it worst. For one thing, he was right next to the sound output, and secondly, his animagus form as a dog enhanced his hearing. Not only could he listen to the horrible notes within the human ear's decibel range, but he could also hear the really high pitch screeches that only dogs could. Poor, poor puppy.

Remus couldn't hear their pleas or threats behind his double layer of ear protection and silencing wards he was standing behind, but turned it off upon seeing them awake anyway.

"Good, now that you're all awake, get ready to head down to the Great Hall for lunch."

"Lunch? You woke us up with Chinese Opera for lunch?," seethed Sirius, "My ears are bleeding over something as petty as lunch!"

"Moony! How could you? The playing of Chinese Opera should be a one way ticket to Azkaban!" complained James the hypocrite, "Lunch," he scoffed, "Rubbish! How could anyone feel like eating after listening to that? Feel like retching is more likely."

"If you hurry now, you might still be able to catch some treacle tarts and chocolate éclai-"

Before Remus could even finish his sentence, they shot out of the boys dormitory faster than a Firebolt.

"So much for retching," Remus huffed, before heading to the Great Hall himself and slammed the dorm door shut.

* * *

Upon entering the Great Hall, Remus noticed two things. One was that Sirius was stuffing his face and two, was that Lily and James were talking. Yup, _talking. _Not screaming or fawning, but normal day to day _talking. _This was the kinda stuff you would never see unless Sirius spiked your food.

"Sirius, did you spike my food?" asked Remus, completely shocked.

"No. It's not a hallucination, it's real. That was the first thing I asked myself too, until I saw the plum puddings," he added, before voraciously gobbling more food likr a vacuum cleaner in an attic.

"You asked yourself if you spiked your food?" Remus asked incredulously.

"No, but I'll remember to do that next time. Ya never know what alcohol does to a person," he said.

Merlin he's..._Sirius._

"Lily's trying to make an effort of hating Potter less after he saved her."

Remus turned around to see Euphie and Alice. Whilst Sirius initially did too, he changed his mind and brought his attention back to food as the plate of cauldron cakes refilled itself.

"I can honestly say I've never been more shocked in my life. I _never _expected this to happen so soon with the way Lily acted towards James just yesterday at the pub."

"I know. You should have seen the way Lily was hugging James in the Hospital Wing last night...this morning...at about 1:30 this morning," Euphie finally settled on, not knowing which time reference to use. **(A/N - stumps me all the time. Anyone know which one you should use or if there's some random made up term for it? Probably on urban dictionary.)**

"But that hug doesn't exactly count. One she was kooky in the Hospital Wing, and two, she thought it was Jasper," Alice reminded.

"Maybe we should owl Jasper about this new revelation," Euphie said looking at James and Lily politely chatting, "I would certainly want to know if my girlfriend suddenly did a 180 attitude turn on the most hated vain of existence in her life."

"Lily said so herself, they aren't dating just friends - really close friends. Though, we should still probably owl Jasper. He could be upset."

"I doubt it," muttered Remus under his breath, "the opposite more like it."

Euphie and Alice didn't hear him, too occupied by staring at a passing platter of Yorkshire Pudding and Triple Choc Fudge to care.

"So," Remus continued, "What are they talking about?"

The two girls were still entranced by the platters of sugar.

"Girls! GIRLS!" Remus sighed. If he could wake the Marauders up, then he could divert two girls from-, "CHOCOLATE!"

Remus launched himself to the towering tower of rich, expensive Swedish Chocolate. The girls could wait.

* * *

I returned to my seat with a stack of chocolate on my plate. There were chocolate bars, chocolate cakes, chocolate fudge, chocolate almonds, chocolate ice-cream, chocolate everything! I'm in heaven~!

Halfway through eating my assortment of chocolates, Euphemia and Alice seated themselves next to me.

"I know we set this a long time ago but don't think it's over. We were about to remind you when we were distracted by the floating Yorkshire Pudding and Triple Choc Fudge. Remember the bet we set in third year?" said Euphie.

"No. What bet?" I asked, puzzled.

"Remus, you betted without me?" asked Sirius, hurt.

"You were in it too Sirus. Remember the one we made when we were hiding in Moaning Murtle's bathroom about which grade James and Lily would get together?"

"Oh, that one?" recalled Remus, "Yeah, what about it?"

"It's happened and according to the rules, you two, who betted the furthest from the truth have to continue with rest of the bet," said the girls, smirking.

"What?" me and Sirus half shouted, "but they're not dating! They're just talking!" I continued.

"Yeah!" Sirius agreed, obviously not wanting to do the penalty for losing the bet.

"Na ah ah!" rejected Euphemia, "As I recall, the exact words for the bet were, "When Lily gives James the time of day" which she obviously has," she pointed towards the talking couple.

"But we meant it as _dating_ not _literally _giving him the time of day with just talking!" denied Sirius.

"A bet is a bet," said Alice smugly.

"We can't do it!" said Sirius, "we lost our copy of the speech!"

I vigorously nodded in agreement.

"Lucky for you, well, maybe unlucky, we have a copy," the two grinned evilly, handing us a piece of parchment and gesturing towards the podium.

"You want us to do it now?" I asked incredulously.

They just nodded.

In a situation like this, there's only one thing you can do -

"Padfoot, this is all your fault."

Set the blame on others.

"My fault? You joined the bet on your own free will! You chose what year to bet on yourself! I didn't choose it for you!"

"I don't care! It's still your fault! Now I have to read this stupid thing! I'll be the laughing stock of Hogwarts!"

"You'll be the laughing stock? What about me? I have to read it with you! My reputation will be ruined because of this! It'll be _ages _before I'll get another girl!"

"Listen girls," my tone pleading, "can we _please _just forget about it and pretend it never happened? It was third year!"

"Nope," Euphie popped the p, "We agreed on it and now it's time to carry it out. I betted sixth year, Alice betted fifth year, you betted on seventh and Sirius betted never. So obviously, with you two furthest from the truth, you two have to read out the speech in front of the whole school together!" she ended happily.

"You evil, evil devil," Sirius accused.

"Glad to be," she smiled.

Sirius and I relented to our imminent demise and perpetual major embarrassment.

* * *

I rushed down to the Great Hall to get to those treacle tarts Remus was talking about. Ah~! Treacle tarts. Those sweet, sticky lovely little dishes of sugar.

Upon entering the hall I noticed two things. Hundreds of floating platters of dessert, and treacle tarts. I'm in heaven~!

I dove into the mountains of sugary sweetness with Padfoot following close behind me.

Maybe I should take a muggle baking class this summer holidays. That way I could have extra sugary treacle tarts whenever I want...or I could just get Knobby (Potter house elf) to do it.

I dragged a stack of treacle tarts and other desserts with me to my seat and started digging in faster than Naruto through ramen (if you know what I'm talking about). Thank Merlin for whoever invented treacle tarts. Maybe I should start a treacle tart fan site on the internet. How about, "Potter's Potty Treacle Tart Fanatics"? Though, I probably shouldn't use the family name, but it's not like any of the other purebloods would know a thing about the internet.

Speaking of which, I need to design that new skin for Google and write that program I've been meaning to work on. I haven't checked my IBM share report yet, or my email in ages. Merlin do I miss Warcraft. I haven't even updated my blog since school started! I really need a way to make muggle technology work at Hogwarts. Maybe I could ask the Founders to help me. Then I could bring my laptop and modem with me to school. The Room of Requierments maybe? Or maybe- calm down! Stop thinking about computers! You're suffering from OCD and PD again!  
**(For those who don't know, OCD stands for Obsessive Computer Disorder and PD is post_modem_ disorder. Check these up on urban dictionary if you don't know. James is a computer addict like me so he knows these terms. Though, it may just be the fact that I have no life.)**

I was just about to go through all the different encodings I could use for my fan page (being a computer nerd/fanatic) when Lily sat next to me.

She didn't seem too sure on sitting next to me on her own accord. I tried to smile in a congenial way as not to make her have second thoughts.

"Hi James," she said nervously.

"Hi Lily," I smiled. I didn't dare use one of my nicknames for her.

"They're crazy with the sugar today aren't they?" asked Lily, trying to start a conversation.

"Yeah," trying not to let her efforts go to waste, "I think they are trying to make everyone hyper and happy with all the sugar to forget about the Hogsmeade attack."

"Seems to be working."

"Are you, alright after...?"

"I'm fine. After talking to you, Ali (Alice) and Mia (Euphemia) about it, it's almost as if it never happened. This sugar is making me uber happy anyway. Must have some sort of cheering draught in it. Pass the apple pie please?"

"Sure," as I passed the apple pie and vanilla custard.

"Thanks. How'd you know I liked it with vanilla custard as opposed to vanilla ice-cream? It would have been closer to you," she asked.

I did it more or less out of habit as Jasper. She didn't like vanilla ice-cream on her apple pies 'cause the hot pie and cold ice-cream gave her teeth funny sensations.

"I,er, like it with custard better myself," I tried explaining. Not really, I like the cold sensations of ice-cream.

"Oh, I suppose we have one thing in common now," she said, pouring a generous serving of the said custard on her pie. Well, maybe it was a good thing I said I liked custard better.

"Hey Lily," interrupted Geoff bloody Hackley, the Ravenclaw Quidditch Captain and prefect from the prank if you remember.

"Hi Hacksley," she politely greeted, completely diverting her attention from me.

"Call me Geoff," he offered.

"Ah, sure...Geoff," clearly not comfortable with the first name usage.

"They're crazy with the sugar today aren't they? I think they are trying to make everyone hyper and happy with all the sugar to forget about the Hogsmeade attack," Geoff said.

_"Hey! That's my line you plagiariser!" _I fumed in my thoughts.

"Yeah, I suppose so," she just said.

"Are you alright? I heard you had to stay in the hospital wing overnight. You feeling better?" he asked with fake concern (according to James).

_Not only does he try to steal the Quidditch Cup from me but he's also trying to steal Lily from me. The nerve of this guy! Can't he see that Lily doesn't want his attention and that you should get your arse out of here?_

"Oh, I'm fine. They just wanted me to stay as a precaution, that's all." shuffling away slightly when Hacksley moved closer.

"Now, Hacksley, don't you have your own Ravenclaw table to sit at?" trying to keep him away from Lily who looked really uncomfortable with Hacksley that close to her. I tried to keep insults to a minimum. Afterall, I had just gotten out of Lily's Book of Hatred.

"Oh yeah, Potter? Ready worried you'll lose the Cup to Ravenclaw this year?" Hacksley turned to me and away from Lily. It worked.

"Have I ever lost it to you?" I returned, "If I remember Gryffindor won last years cup, along with all the others for the past 4 years."

"Well be prepared to lose it, because the quaffle will be out of your hands faster than you can say, 'quidditch'!" he spat. **(A/N - I stick to the story that James was a Chaser and possibly substitute Seeker if necessary. Cause in the movies he's a Seeker but when asked, JK Rowling said he was a Chaser. So to me, he's a Chaser.)**

"I'm not going to argue with you anymore," trying not to loose his temper and hex him in front of Lily, "Just get back to your own table."

"What? Ran out of good comebacks?" he mocked, "Well you can tell your stupid team of Gryffindor arses to-"

"Hacksley!" she didn't even use his first name, "I know you guys have a Quidditch rivalry but get back to your table now! If you turn it into an argument it will warrant a detention," she said sternly.

Hacksley sneered at me before returning to his own table, not risking a detention.

"I must admit James," said Lily, "You surprised me with the maturity you handled the situation. And whilst it was not ideal, I know you're no saint, but at least you didn't hex him like I expected you to."

"Thanks Lily," I beamed. Lily complementing me, now that's _really _something to smile at.

"Ahem," Remus coughed using sonorus to draw the attention of the hall. He was standing on a dias with Sirius, Alice and Euphie in tow. He didn't look like he wanted to be there at all.

"Sirius and I, have an announcment we woul- I don't want to do this!" Remus said.

"Get on with it! A bet is a bet!" urged Alice.

The whole hall was very interested in what was going on.

"But this is evil!" claimed Sirius.

Alice and Euphie gave a heated glare that sent shivers up Remus' and Sirius' spines.

"Sirius and I have an announcement we would like to make," he read grudgingly from the parchement, "I am sad to inform you that- that" he looked as if he was about to die from embarrassment, "that Sirius and I are g-gay...together, and have been secretly - I am NOT saying _that_!"

"Oh yes you are! Go!" shouted Alice, swatting him on the back of the head.

"shagging together every night behind the backs of our fellow dormates and bestfriends."

I was shocked. Whilst gays and lesbians were accepted in the Magical World, nobody just announced this stuff, even straight relationships, in front of the whole school - even if it was a forced prank.

Remus and Sirius looked as if they were about to cry along with most of the female population whilst Severus looked as if Christmas had come early.

"I can't believe you are making me do this!"

"Just read it Lupin!" ordered Mia, giving him a kick.

"Sirius has only been dating, snogging and shagging girls as not to raise suspicion to our- _nightly activities? _Wha- OUCH! and all the books I read is actually p-p-porn about d-different p-posit- this is disgui-Ow! under charms to appear like school material."

The whole hall was shocked. Some were crying and others were laughing at Sirius' and Remus' expense.

"NO! I'm not reading this stupid parchment anymore and you can't make me!" exclaimed Remus, as he and Sirius tried to run off the stage.

"Get back here!" shouted Euphie as she dragged the two squirming guys by the collar back to the podium.

"Read!" demanded Alice, "It's part of the bet!"

This time it was Padfoot's turn to read.

"The reason we are announcing this in front of the whole school, other than the fact these two devils are forc- ouch! Alright! Alright! I'll read your damned sheet!"

"The reason we are announcing this in front of the whole school," he continued, "is...NO WAY! Never! I may be a playboy but I am NEVER going to read that! You can't make me! Ouch! Ouch! Alright! Stop hitting me! What are you using? An iron rod? I said stop it already!"

"Is because we are looking for more people, especially guys to join us in our shag sessions," at this stage Remus brokedown crying from shame and embarrassment whilst the whole hall just stared gob-smacked at this joke, "We do not mind threesomes or m-more. People interested in BDSM are also welco- I refuse to read anymore of this! Think of my image! It's all ruined! All the girls are going to think I'm gay now!"

"There's only a few lines left now! Just read it!" forced Euphie.

"Interviews will be held in room 11 at lunch time tomorrow so we can a-a-assess what you can d-do amongst other t-things. So be prepared with s-s-striptease routines. Boys, girls, ghosts? and tabby cats? or other animals welcome as we do not mind bestiality? and are _closet necrophiles?_"

At this point, not even Sirius could tolerate it anymore, for he too broke-down crying in humiliation at what the two girls put them through.

Alice and Euphie were on the ground howling with non-stop laughter as well as much of the hall. McGonagall was beet red in the face and shell-shocked along with most of the teachers whilst Dumbledore only had that twinkle of amusment in his eyes.

"Wow James," said Lily, "Life is never boring with your friends around is it."

I was too shocked to do anything but nod.

"Looks like my friends just pranked the pranksters. Brilliantly might I add," she smiled.

This is going to be one hell of a week.

* * *

**That speech was a bit more detailed than what I originally expected. I just came up with this idea out of no where, but I found it pretty funny. Once again, no offense to people who aren't straight or like BDSM or anything else that may offend you. This is purely for a joke and not to offend you.**

**If you don't know any of the terms from the speech you may or may not want to look it up depending on whether you feeling like have a WTF moment.**

**Remember to Review and Alert my fic! So happy I've been getting more reviews lately! **

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	14. Chapter 14

**Date Posted: 24th July 2010**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

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"Focus. Focus!" urged Helga and Salazar, "Find your magic core! Remember that warm tingly feeling and find it! You can do it! You've done it millions of times before. Find it and embrace!"

James closed his eyes and concentrated on finding his magic core. He remembered all the times he used his magic - yes, his magic; his and no one else's. In less than a few seconds, he relocated his bubbly fountain of magical energy. He embraced it; his wonderful benevolent magic - he loved that...that comforting sense of belonging.

Salazar and the rest of the Founders felt a spike in his magical aura and continued their instructions.

"Now, channel it to your hands, to the materials in your hands. Your magic is a part of you, it is not your slave but your friend. It is alive, it's sentient and it has feelings. Ask it to help you make the necklace; channel your magic into them."

An eerie magical aura encased James, illuminating the dim shadows.

"Feel the materials in your hand - every gem, and bit of silver and gold. Channel your magic into them, don't force it, but gently accept it, encompass it with your magic. Fuse your magic with the materials; make them one; unify them!"

Beads of sweat were starting to build on James forehead in effort to manipulate his magic.

"Bend it to your will, the materials, your magic; will it to take shape. Imagine what you want the necklace to look like. Focus on what it looks like; how it should feel; what purpose it's for. Impress your thoughts into it!" instructed Helga.

James thought of it all. The silver chain; the gold, both white and normal gold, molded into a gem studed heart-shaped pendant; the tiny crystal bottle of phoenix tears inside the gold pendant; the seven little gemstones; agate, amethyst, jasper, black onyx, bloodstone, carnelian and sodalite, each with it's own symbolic meaning **(which is written at the bottom of this chapter). **He remembered all his times with Lily and why he wanted to protect her. He impressed all this emotions and thoughts into the materials and his magic. It was difficult, but he couldn't give up.

"You can do it! It may be hard now, but so was the first time you practiced wandless magic and now you can do it without batting an eye. It _is _possible! Believe in yourself."

With his reinforced determination, he sent a powerful bout of magic into the materials. It was after this last wave of stong magic, he collapsed from fatigue, panting heavily, holding a beautiful heart-shaped necklace in his hands.

"You did great!" congratulated all the Founders.

"For a first time at this, you sure are good at it. If you have time, maybe you could give one to all your close friends so they will be safe too," suggested Bell.

"Yes, that would be highly advantageous," voiced Sal.

"Now, don't forget, your necklace has yet to be complete. You have moulded it and embedded it with your magic as well as interlaced it with some pretty powerful protection with those stones, in fact, it could almost be classified as a ritual," R'ena added on a second thought, "But you are aiming for a perfect job, and in order to do that, you need a fair few more charms and possibly other rituals to perfect it. And of course, there is only one way to do that," she immediately bubbled with happiness like a little kid with ice-cream, "Read!"

"I swear you're almost like Lily when it comes to reading. You two could be wonderful friends," said James. All three other Founders and James were shaking their heads at Rowena who was giddy with excitement, clapping her hands like a two year old - and we always think of her as the mature one. Guess there's no keeping Row from her books is there?

"Ahem," Sal finally coughed, unable to take any more of her juvenility.

Row blushed from her kiddish spell.

"It's alright, we're used to it," comforted Bell.

"Hard not to be after being practically next to each other 24/7 hours a day for the past 2000 years," snidely commented 'Ric.

"Yes well, at least I'm not a brash _lion_, unlike _somebody_, not mentioning any names," retorted R'ena.

"I take offense to that! I should be treated like a God!"

"For the thousandth time 'Ric," exasperated Sal, "We're not shortening your name Godric to God. It's too intelligent for you!"

"I'm much intelligent!"

"I'll believe that when you get your grammar correct," Bell rolled her eyes.

"Bell! How could you? I always thought you were the nicest and always on my side even if these two bastards teamed up against me!"

"Now, now 'Ric. What have I told you about calling your two bestfriends names?" said Helga in a motherly fashion.

"That it's not nice and I shouldn't do so," he sulked, "but they teamed up against me first!"

"Regardless, they are correct," she began to laugh, "There's no chance in all the universe that we are ever going to call you God; 'Ric suits you just fine," she said with a tone of finality.

Godric relented, knowing no one would ever win an argument with Bell's motherly side.

"Now, before we I was distracted by Mr. I-Think-I'm-Divine over there, I was about to tell you to go to my personal library in my office. You'll find plenty of books there for your protection charms. In fact, there should be a whole section just about protection charms."

"Thanks R'ena. I'll go maybe later today. Bye," he said.

"I'll see you in my office then. Have a nice day. Bye!"

"See you later," said Bell and Sal, but 'Ric had to say, "Catchya later dude!"

"Bye guys. Er...bye 'Ric..."

And with that, he opened the door that connected the lounge to the Armour Gallery and headed to the Great Hall for breakfast.

* * *

"Hey Prongs!" called Padfoot from the breakfast table in the Great Hall, "Where were you this morning? You were up before Remus!"

"I was just in the lounge talking to the Founders," I said sitting next to him, before changing my mind to sitting across from him after noticing the stares of much of the hall.

It was all because of the incident the morning after Hogsmeade. I inwardly laughed at Remus' and Sirius' dilemma. Till this day, even a week after, guys, girls and more guys were hanging around them more often than ever; usually flirting or winking at them. On the second day Remus even squealed in the corridors on his way to his next class when one of the guys felt his arse up.

I am also shocked to announce that Sirius hasn't snogged or shagged a girl since the incident and has been instead, living in fear of homosexual guys for the past week **(A/N - I meant no offense to homosexuals)**. This may have something to do with the incident in the boys lavatory the day after the speech; no-one really knows what happened in there that caused him to scream loud enough to be heard all the way in the herbology greenhouse, but whatever it was, he has stopped using the boys lavatory, instead opting the private one all the back in his own dorm. One can only guess.

The entire school had yet to forget about the speech even a week after it's delivery. Moony and Padfoot haven't sat near each other since, not wanting to be mistaken for doing...whatever gay guys do when they site next to each other at the hormone raging age of 15 - use your imagination.

"Prongs! Not you too!" he complained.

"Sorry mate, but even I have a reputation to keep. I'm already under enough scrutinisation as it is, with being your dorm mate and turning down every girl other than Lily that asks me out. I don't want rumours about _me _being gay to start; listening to ones about you aren't any encouragement either. Did you know you two married last year against the consent of your parents and had your wedding in the forbidden forest and Hagrid was the minister, with the centaurs and other creatures of the forest as your guests? I even heard an extension of it where you stayed and performed 'nightly activities' in the forest with some of the creatures to fit your bestiality fetish you mentioned at the end of your speech. If those are the rumours I'm going to be hearing about myself just by sitting next to you, I'd rather not."

"Firstly, I TOTALLY deny ANY of that happening! Secondly, it wasn't my speech! Alice and Euphie wrote it and forced us to read it in front of the whole school for losing a bet! I would never condemn myself to such fate if I had a choice!"

"If you did that on your own free will, I'd send you to the mind ward in St. Mungos. But either way, I'm not sitting next to you."

"So you're just going to ditch your bestfriend because of some rumours?" he asked.

"Sorry mate," I apologised as I continued to move a couple of seats away from him, "There's no way in hell you can make me sit next to you - bestfriend or not."

"Please," he practically begged, "No-one sits with me anymore!"

"No can do. Sorry."

Sirius reacted by dramatically cracking the knuckles in his fists and gesturing towards the seat next to him, "If you don't come, I'll pound you so hard, you'll be sore and limping around Hogwarts for a whole week."

I know what he meant, but that sentenced, from what I see, can be interpreted in two ways. Normally, listeners would interpret it as way number one, an insult and threat to beat your friend up. But because of recent happenings and rumours, it seems to have affected peoples' interpretation of whatever comes out of Sirius' mouth.

So if I told you, all the teachers were blushing at what was just said, all the gays were winking at Sirius and all the yaoi/slash fangirls were squealing in their fantasies (probably featuring Sirius and I), how do you reckon Sirius' short dialogue was interpreted?

**(A/N - If you don't get the second way two interpret Sirius' sentence then you still have some innocence left in you. Either that, or you don't know the second meaning of the word 'pound'.)**

Sirius seemed to notice the halls reaction too, because the moment he realised what was going on he said, "Oh fuck this is great! Just fucking great!"

That certainly didn't help things.

What can I say? Ambiguity's a bitch.

...and Sirius sucks at sarcasm.

* * *

"Hey Lils," I greeted Lily.

"Hi James," she replied. She was getting much more comfortable at the use of my first name for the past weeks. We were now on regular first name bases and could interact without arguing or her trying to hex me. Much more to my taste.

"Do you mind if I sit next to you? Next to Sirius isn't exactly the best place right now."

"Sure no problems," she smiled back. A couple of weeks ago, I would have had a heart attack if she smiled at me.

"Have you done your Transfiguration essay yet?" Just trust Lily to talk about homework less than 30 seconds into a conversation. What's worse, was that I was used to it - bit hard not to after...10 years? of being friends.

"Yeah. I used, _Wimble's Wizarding World Wonder: Transfiguration_, I think the book was called."

"Same here! It was the only decent book left in the Library. It was so hard to find any books from the library because everyone else borrowed them already, and we can't duplicate it with _geminio _because of the stupid runes on the book, otherwise no one would buy the books and just duplicate them!"

_Thus why the muggles invented the internet. We use a search engine, whilst other ignorant magical folk have to flip through page by page. Thank the Great God Google! _**(A/N - he's a bit used to refering to himself in a muggle manner)**

I never had trouble with not having a book on a subject. R'ena's personal library had a copy of everything. It was self-updating, so every time a new book was published it would go to a 'pending' section of her library and then she would read it to see if it was worthy of a place on her prestigious shelves. I had to help her with that. Portraits could no longer do magic, so she couldn't use her hands or magic to allow her to read. She, Remus and I worked together to make a spell that would allow her access to any of the books in her library. The books just magically appeared in her portrait as if it was part of her painting.

"Lily, are you boring another victim with your homework chatter again?" came Euphie. Alice was sitting with Frank today.

"Hi Mia," I greeted.

"Hey, James," she chorused.

Since I was no longer the mortal enemy of Lily, she and Alice had started calling me by my first name as well.

"So...may I sit here, or would I be interrupting you two lovebirds?" teased Euphie.

"For the thousandth time Mia, we aren't like that," sight Lily.

"Our relationship is simply that of friends."

"Right James. If I recall, it was less that a month ago you were asking Lily out and begging for her to, I dunno...let's just say, 'give you the light of day' shall we?" Euphie couldn't help but snicker at her 'discreet' reference, whilst James and Lily looked at her weirdly for laughing for no reason.

"Anyway, if you have nothing more important to say, you interrupted our conversation about the Library," said Lily.

"So you _were _boring someone's brains out! I knew it! Lily can't help but ramble on about something nerdy for more than 30 seconds into a conversation - I should know; I am a poor victim myself," she said dramatically - such a drama queen.

"...Yes Mia, I'm sure it's very painful," Lily rolled her eyes.

_Lily really doesn't know how boring her talks about anything educational can be. What's worse is that I'm used to it._

I shook my head and sighed. Deja vu. I reckon I've said or heard that sentence about three times already, if not more. Be with a person for 10 years and you can get used to anything.

"So James, how's life without Lily trying to kill you every second of the day?"

"Er...Alive?"

Good! Now you can ask her to the Halloween Ball next week!"

"Mia! How many times have I told you that having a partner is not compulsory? What if James already had a partner to the dance? You can't just say something like that to someone outright; it's highly impolite!"

"See? She's already taking your side. A week or two more and you guys can be off to Gretna Green!" she cheered as she hummed Wedding March.

"Mia!" Lily gasped, "Are you implying that James and I would _elope _to _marry?"_

"Maybe, maybe not," she answered cheekily.

"Well I'll have you know,that there is NO possibility of that happening. If I were to marry some one, firstly, it would be official. Secondly, I wouldn't marry James - _ever_!"

Ouch.

"Yes, Lils. We'll believe it when we see it."

"Either ways-" Euphie started.

"That's improper grammar. It would be just 'either way'," corrected Lily.

"Either _ways,_" she emphasised her act of rebellion, "see you two together at the ball!" she winked mischievously. That little minx is definitely hiding something.

_I'll get to the bottom of this._

* * *

**Meaning of the gemstones used in the necklace:**

**Agate - Considered a protection stone. It is believed to attract strength and offer protection from bad dreams, stress and the draining of energy. Agate is said to balance energies and awaken talents.**

**Amethyst - The healer from antiquity, healing for the soul, body and mind.**

**Jasper - Is associated with relaxation, contentment, compassion, nurturing and consolation. Jasper is said to relieve mental stress and help you achieve balance in your life.**

**Black Onyx - Protection, energy shield.**

**Bloodstone - Warrior stone for overcoming obstacles, calm ones fears of a real or perceived enemy.**

**Carnelian - To ward off evil thoughts, jealousies, animosities, and psychic attacks** [legilmency maybe?]** toward the individual, inspires bravery and courage. **

**Sodalite - Healing of emotions and physical body.**

**I am not an expert in this kinda stuff and I personally don't really believe in it, so if this isn't what the stones actually mean, don't blame me; I just copied it off the internet.**

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**Sorry if the chapter was a bit lacking at the end. I had a writers block for a long time on what James' and Lily's conversation would be like, that's why it took me longer to update than usual.**

**I still reckon I update at a reasonable pace. Some of my favourite stories take ages to update even though the chapters might be very short. I might take about a week to update a chapter because I have school and tests and everything (as much as I love taking Jap at school, the tests still suck). But I'm sure you can wait, it's only a week after all, not months. **

**My dad is also against me 'wasting' my time to write ffs because he reckons I should be using my time to study etc and write stories of higher literature. He has a point, but I don't care am and continuing to write anyways.**

**Anyways, here's a header for the next chapter - the Halloween Ball of course! **

**I have actually written another chapter for a Quidditch match that I was going to post as chapter 14, but decided against it and thought that there should be more events in between the speech and the match so I am putting this chapter and Halloween between them.**

**Have yet to write the Halloween Ball though, but have a feint outline as to what it's content will be.**

**I'll try to update ASAP.**

**Remember people,**

**REVIEW!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Date Posted: 30th July 2010**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

"For the thousandth time Sirius, hurry up!" I hurried. Remus and I have been waiting for Sirius to get down the dorm stairs to the Gryffindor Common for the past 30mins.

"Just wait a minute. My hair's not perfect," Sirius said.

"You've said that for the past _15 _minutes. Even James didn't take that long and you'd have better luck taming two dragons in heat than James' hair!"

"Note Remus, that I didn't actually bother taming my hair, so relatively speaking it didn't take me any time at all," I pointed out.

"I'm trying to raise a point. Now shut up and continue helping me rush Sirius."

I didn't bother opening my mouth to point out that I couldn't possibly shut up and rush Sirius at the same time, but further vexing a werewolf so close to the full moon wasn't exactly on my to-do list, so I just shut up.

"Hurry up Sirius! Or Merlin help me you won't have any hair left to fiddle with!"

"All or just my head?"

"Merlin's sagging balls! Now dammit, or you will be losing more than just hair!"

"Alright! Alright! I'm coming down," said Padfoot, coming quickly down the stairs, "Geez, what's got your knickers in a twist?"

"Sod it Padfoot! We're all going to be late now because of you. It's bad ettiquette - even worse if you had a part organising it!"

"Then lucky I didn't have a part organising it."

"But I did! All prefects did!" Remus snapped.

"No need to be so 'snappy' about it," he smirked.

"Ha ha, very funny Padfoot. You are the master of all puns. Now shut up before it's your neck that snaps!" snapped Remus.

"The only snapping thing I enjoy snapping is Exploding snap. Now stop snapping at me!" snapped Sirius.

"I can snap at you all I want!" snapped Remus

"Can we stop saying the word snap? It's giving me a snapping headache. Oh great! Now you got me saying the word snap. Thrice in fact!"

The two continued their row.

"It's not _my _fault you're so snappy for a couple of days every month!"

"Shut up Pads. See if I don't use you as a chew toy the next time of the month!"

_Ha! Not only are they rumoured to be gay together, but one's the pad, and the other's the time of the month. _

_..._

_OMG! I did not just f*ing think that!_

I started whacking my head trying to rid my brain of those thoughts.

"James, stop killing off your few remaining brain cells. You need all, and more, of the brain cells you have left. We also don't need a trip to the hospital to delay us further," said Remus, "Now let's go!"

"Allons-y!" I said.

"James, shut up," said Sirius.

"What? So your allowed to say schnippschnapp but I'm not allowed to say Allons-y?"

"What the hell are you blabbing on about?" asked Sirius.

"It's German for the card game snap."

"I don't speak German!"

"Doesn't mean you didn't say it."

"If I don't know the word, how can I say it?" exploded Sirius.

"What kind of reasoning is that?" I said.

"The logical one. Now, _silencio! incarcerous!" _cast Remus, "_Finally_, we can go to the bloody Halloween ball!" he exasperated as he dragged me and Sirius to the Great Hall through the Box Route. We didn't want to be later than we already were.

* * *

We were transported in front of the closed doors to the Great Hall listening to Sirius complain about his hair again.

"Remus! Look what you've done! Now my hair is all ruined again because you dragged me along!"

"Do you want me to perform a plucking charm? Cause I really will if you don't shut up. One. At. A. Time."

_Ouch._

Sirius must have thought the same thing too, because he instantly shut up.

We opened the door and went in. They were charmed to let off a blood-curdling scream every time someone opened the door. The scream made our blood, well...curdle.

When we entered there was Phantom of the Opera playing. I had suggested to Remus a whole host of my soundtracks from my favourite horror films like House of Wax and the entire Saw series. Listening to wizarding tunes got boring very quickly; they weren't as good in the music department. Remus took them and presented them to the other prefects as suggestions for songs to play during the Halloween Ball, as his own idea of course. No need to unecessarily divulge my duplicitous secret.

R'ena and I had worked on a spell that converted all CDs, DVDs and MP3 files in to a magically readable file. I reckon Row regrets this however, because now, she has to put up with those two idiots re-quoting every single movie they've ever watched - Star Wars was a favourite.

It was a ball from ten till about 2 in the morning. Well...ball wasn't _exactly _accurate as we didn't wear dressing robes and stuff, but whatever. Halloween Balls at Hogwarts did not included dressing up as witches and vampires like it did for the muggles. What's the use of dressing up as a witch if you were one? See the point?

Therefore I discreetly convinced the rest of the school to make the theme for this year's Halloween ball muggle clothing. The school, especially the Slytherin 'power-players' like Lucius and Knott and stuff, weren't very convinced at first, but after some female volunteers (their girlfriends) modelled some 'specially selected' muggle clothing, let's just say they prefer mini-skirts to long and bulky school robes.

"If this is how all muggles dress, maybe I should only date a muggle one day," said Sirius, his eyes scanning the female population of the hall - and I stress _female._

"ARHHH!"

Sirius and I jumped.

"Man that door sure can scare the shit out of you," I said

"Yeah, you're halfway through a conversation and all of a sudden you hear AHHHH!"

I nodded in agreement.

"Did you set the prank?" I asked.

"Of course I did. Who do you take me for? I am the uber, super, smexy, fantalistic, spectacalicious and sexy Sirius Orion Black the Marauder extraordinare who-"

"Who is a conceited dellusional bastard who makes up words to praise himself in his spare time." I ended for him.

"I know you feel threatened by my brilliance, but that's no reason to be rude you jealous prick."

"And you're not?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, maybe a little," he conceded.

_Talk about understatement of the century._

"Anyway, I've gotta go and try display my beauty to the ladies," eying Monique Greengrass again. She was wearing sometime the Pope would have a heart attack upon seeing.

"You know, she might not date you no matter what you do," I warned him, "Especially now that she thinks you're gay - along with the rest of the school."

"I'll get her eventually."

"Well, good luck mat-"

"ARHHH!"

"Dang that door. Who was the idiot that came up with the idea anyway?" I asked Sirius.

"You did."

"Oh. Well...whatever."

* * *

"Relax Remus, the party's going fine," assured Mia.

"It's a party with the Marauders. Something is _bound _to go wrong. It's the law."

"Few would believe you guys are bestfriends after hearing that."

"I know warned them not to, but I'd trust Malfoy alone with a defensless muggleborn more than James, Sirius and Peter to not set off a prank at this perfect opportunity.

"You're a great friend," she said fakely, patting him on the back.

"I'd like to think of myself that way."

"Well, you are. How many people would just leave them to be late for class every morning?"

"I try."

"Good. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to go other there and check out Maeson."

"Will you ever do anything other than guy hunting?"

She just winked and Remus before heading over to Maeson. Typical Euphie behaviour. Makes one wonder how closely related the Flints are to the Blacks. She and Sirius could practically be siblings the way they are going through the Hogwarts population.

* * *

"Hey Lils!" I said as I walked towards Lily who leaning against a wall.

"Hey James," she greeted warmly.

"Strange to see you without Mia or Alice," I noted.

"Ali's is with Frank and Mia has gone boy hunting. Again."

"Oh, well, you did a great job with the party."

"I didn't do much of this. It was mostly the other prefects," she said meekly.

Ah, the ever humble Lily.

"Especially Remus. He was the one that got the soundtrack and everything. Who thought he was so adept in muggle music and culture. He just went up a few points in my book." she smiled.

"Yes..." Sometimes it sucks to be in the shadows.

"Did you know Phantom of the Opera is my favourite musical theatre production of all time? I had this really nice friend who took me all the way to London Theatre to watch it for my birthday. He's called Jasper if you recall. He paid for the tickets, arranged it and everything! It was so nice of him. You could learn a thing or two about being nice from him."

It _really _sucks to be in the shadows.

"Whilst he loves Phantom of the Opera, his favourite is Moulin Rouge. He's always sad about how there is no stage production for it, but says a stage act wouldn't have quite the same effect as the film because one of the main reasons why the film is so good is because off the cutting between the scenes and how the song is reflected in two different scenes and everything. Shame you haven't seen it, seeing as you're a pureblood and all. You guys don't even have movies and theatres. Otherwise I would be here talking to you _all _night _all _alone because no-one else has probably seen it. Just you and me. Shame Jasper isn't here; wish I could talk to him right now."

Really.

"Yes...well...maybe the problem of communication between the muggle and the magical world will be rememdied in the future," I said. My eye was discreetly twitching. What in the seven depths of hell was Lady Fate playing at?

Time to start a conversation about the _one _thing Lily couldn't possibly refuse.

Books.

"You know, Remus once lent me a couple of muggle books to read," regardless of how much it peeved me to do so, I had to avoid my name being connected to muggles as much as possible. What better way to do so that use Remus as a shield.

"Really? It's about time Remus got you two lazy arses into something more educational. You guys need to be more open to literature. I can only hope he is able to stop your pranks; seems unlikely though." I really need to improve her image of me.

"So which books did he lend you?"

I knew Lily loved Shakespeare, so Shakespeare it is!

"Shakespeare."

"Oh really? Which one?" she said all excitedly. Score!

"A Midsummer Night's Dream."

"I was half expecting you to say Romeo and Juliet. It's one of his most famous works after all."

"No. I wouldn't read something as mushy and cheesy as that! Remus does though, so I know a bit about it if you really, really, really want to talk about it"

The truth was, I was a major sucker for Romeo and Juliet. I've been to the theatre so many times just to watch that play over and over again. There is a worn copy in one of the hidden compartments of my trunk and I also have my favourite version of the film converted into a magical file I keep in the Marauder's Den so I can watch it whenever I suffer from withdrawal symptoms. However, back in my house at Surrey, hidden behind a whole bunch of decoy boxes of more masculine stuff was my Romeo and Juliet collection. There were boxes and boxes of the scripts, version with notes, films and VCRs of the play and everything. I even have a copy of the play written in the original Old English!

No one knows of course. Not even my parents or Lily could know about my love for Romeo and Juliet. It would be too girly. I would die before someone knew.

"You know," started Lily, "I know this guy, won't tell you who, but he's secretly a huge fan of Romeo and Juliet but hides. He thinks none of us know but his parents and I knew ages ago, but we didn't confront him about it because we didn't want to embarrass him," she giggled.

She's not talking about me right? Surely there are other guys in the world who love Romeo and Juliet and don't want their parents and bestfriend to know.

"He hides his collection in boxes under his bed behind a whole bunch of other boxes with his more masculine stuff in it because he thinks they will stop people from finding out he's a Romeo and Juliet fan," she guffawed.

You have got to be frickn' kidding me.

"I'm sure that just some stuff he found somewhere and thought it would be a waste to do it, or his school material. You must have mistaken."

"No, I'm sure. I went to the same school as him, we were only had one copy of Romeo and Juliet."

"Well you must ha-"

"Hi! Hi!" came Euphie.

"Mia! What are you doing here? I thought you were off guy hunting," said Lily.

"Well I had my fun with most of them. Not to mention their girlfriends didn't exactly appreciate me-"

"ARHHH!"

-getting touchy with their boyfriends."

"Hard to imagine how-"

"ARHHH!"

"-you're so popular amongst the entire school even though you're-

"ARHHH!"

"-flirting with everyone's boyfriend all the time," I said.

"I swear," started Lily, "if that door so much screams one more time I'm going to-"

"ARHHH!"

"Grrr! That's it! Who the hell keeps opening and closing the door?" screamed Lily.

"No-one is Lils. I-"

"ARHHH!"

"-think the charm's just malfunctioned. You're a pre-"

"ARHHH!"

"-fect. Cancel the spell!" said Euphie.

With a quick swish of her wand and a few well pronounced words, the screaming door was screaming no more.

"Merlin I swear, who's stupid idea was it anyways?" huffed Lily.

"Probably some stupid guy," said Euphie.

"I'll be sure to castrate them if I ever found out!" said Lily fiercely.

"I have no idea who. Really," I quickly said, "but I'm sure they meant no harm. No harm intended at all."

"Yes, well, regardless, they should be punished for such a stupid idea. That aside, what were you saying before the damned door interrupted you James?" asked Lily.

"Well, I was just asking how Mia stays so popular with everyone even though she flirts with other people's boyfriends all the time."

"What can I say? I'm a talented pureblood."

"You might just be more Slytherin than you think," I said.

"I'm sure," she smiled a mischievous. The smile of shrewed success, of knowing something that others don't.

It was a smile fit for a Marauder.

I raised a curious eyebrow.

Her smile sharpened. It was at this moment, that I realised something was wrong.

But I was too late, and she lept at us and bound on of me and Lily's hand together with a golden fastening. It swirled with golden magic just before the lock clamped down with an audiable _click!_

_

* * *

_

**Interesting fact on Exploding Snap**

**In the German translation, Exploding snap was translated as '_Snape explodiert' _which really translates to 'Snape Explodes' or 'Exploding Snape'. After much complaint, it is now translated as '_Zauberschnippschnapp_'**

**

* * *

**

**New chappie! Yay!**

**This week was such a disaster! I had a whole host of Japanese quizzes, a Science Common Test and a Maths test. All in one week! And I had to leave everything to last minute too cause I forgot about it!**

**All that last minute studying made my head hurt and gave me a writer's block. I seem to be having more of those lately.**

**I so failed the maths test. I should consider going to tutoring. Oh well, whatever.**

**Hope you guys enjoyed this new chapter!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Date Posted: 10th August 2010**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. That belongs to JK Rowling and whoever else has the copyrights. Either way, it's not me. I'm not getting any richer from this. If anything, I'm getting poorer because I'm neglecting my studies even though I have a math tests tomorrow and a french test the day after that, not to mention I am using the broadband. Oh well, that's why I'm a teenager.**

"Are you sure locking the two of them together was a good idea?" asked an uncertain Frank Longbottom.

"Of course we're sure! It'll be brilliant! They'll have to hold each other's hands for the rest of the party! Then Lily will notice her feelings for James and I can be Prongslet's godfather and they can name the kid after me! Sirus II for a boy and Sirilina for a girl!" assured an excited Sirius.

"They're not even dating yet and you're already thinking about little godchildren? Sirus II and Sirilina are horrible names! You shouldn't be intefering with people's love lives," said Frank.

"I'll be doing a favour for James. He gets the girl, and I'll get the honor of having little godchildren named after me as a means of thanks. Two phoenii with the one stone - perfect!"

"For one, I doubt your little prank will have enough influence to evolve their current relationship into a romantic one, and secondly, what the hell is two pheonii with the one stone?" asked Alice.

"I dunno. James said something like two chickens with the one stone or some other bird or something. It's some muggle thing that meant you gain two benefits by only doing one thing or something like that."

"Right...Either way, if Lily asks, I never knew a thing about this."

"Of course my dear Alice. You were never informed before hand of this prank. It was only Euphie and I. One for the evily diabolical ingenious mastermind machination, and the other for the execution. Got it!"

"I just hope this doesn't come back and bite you in the butt," said Frank.

"Dun worry Frankie, I got it all covered."

"..."

"The escape plan for my prank is covered, not my butt."

"..."

"My butt is covered! Both of them are!"

"..."

"I meant my prank and my butt! That I've got both- Oh forget about it!"

* * *

"Mia! What is the meaning of this? Release our hands right now!" I demanded, trying to break the bind holding our hands together with my wand.

"I thought you guys needed some quality get together time so I decided, 'What better way to get two people together than to lock their hands together?'"

"But we're not even arguing anymore or anything!" I gave up, the bind wouldn't budge.

"But Lily," she whined, "I was bored! And you know what happens when I'm bored!" Giving us an innocent childish look.

"Don't you give me that look! This isn't exactly my idea of what most people do when they're bored. Go flirt with other guys or something, girls even! Just don't lock the hands of two of your friends' together! Now get this off right now!" I screamed.

Whilst I didn't hate James anymore, holding his hand was still extremely awkward for me. I mean, it was less than a month ago I hated his guts; you can't expect me to change so quickly.

"But I flirt with guys _all _the time. I wanted to do something else!" she whined like a little girl throwing a tantrum.

"And locking our hands together was the first thing you came up with?" I said. I raised our magically joined hands to emphasise my point.

"No, I originally thought of locking your lips together for the rest of the Halloween Ball, but I didn't exactly want to die yet. There are still many things I have to do with my life."

I twitched. This is how my eternally bestfriend treats me?

"Hopefully it doesn't involve locking two peoples' hands together." I sent her a drilling glare.

"Oh well, I'm off. Ta ta!" and with that, Euphie shot off, wanting to live for yet another day.

"I'm really sorry about this James."

"Stop apologising Lily. It's not your fault. I completely understand."

He squeezed my hand as reassurance. I had never noticed before. Whenever he was holding my hand, I was usually trying to hex or kick him. His hand actually felt kinda warm and comforting; kinda like his hugs. Our hands kinda fit perfectly together too, almost as if-

Urgh! What am I saying? What if Jasper one day asks you to be his girlfriend? How can you face the fact that you thought that about some guys _hand_?

_"Get that thought right out of your mind now!" _I mentally screamed at myself in annoyance.

* * *

Lily's whole body tensed and I saw her brow crease with annoyance. Not even a minute into holding my hand and she's already annoyed with me. What did I do wrong in my past life?

"Lily, are you alright?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah James, I'm fine," she said awkwardly at her previous thoughts, "Sometimes Mia does the strangest things to entertain herself. Oh well, better our hands than our lips, right? I mean, me kissing you would just be weird," she laughed.

"Yeah...sure."

I concentrated on the magical binding that locked our hands together. I tried to do what the Founders had taught me about identifying and breaking wards and similarly applied it to the bind. It was kinda like feeling the magic and sensing what the magic's purpose was; more intuition than skill really, but required knowledge and practice nonetheless.

It wasn't that strong. Could probably break with a nudge here and there. I could do it in a jiffy. But then there was the all important question I had to consider: Did I want to break it?

Here was a god sent opportunity for James Potter to hold Lily Evans' hand, and I wouldn't even get the blame for it. Sure, I've held Lily's hand heaps of times, but they were all as Jasper or with her trying to kill me. Why lose such a perfect opportunity?

But should I be obligated to break it if I am able to, or should I just leave it alone and pretend I couldn't? Didn't I make it my duty to do whatever was in my power to make Lily happy, what she wanted? Or should I just take this chance for James to get a little closer to Lily? I'm not asking too much right, just to hold her hand for a couple of hours. I didn't set it up or anything. It just happened. Shouldn't I just enjoy the fact that Fate has given me the perfect opportunity to hold Lily's hand? I deserve this.

"Can you get them off? I've tried every spell in my arsenal, but nothing seems to work," she asked, fidgeting with discomfort.

She can't break it. This is my chance.

"I..." I started, but hesitated as she agitatedly fidgeted with her fingers.

I sighed defeatedly. "Yeah, I know how to get this off."

Whilst she didn't seem to hate holding my hand, that slight crease in her frown just bugged me; she only frowned like that when she was annoyed with something, and I definitely don't want her to feel annoyed with holding my hand. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't take advantage of this situation if it means making her uncomfortable.

I'm whipped and I'm not even dating her yet! Is this the fate of all Potter men? Being controlled like marionette puppets by their wives? My dad would rather face a herd of sanguinary dragons than my mum with PMS and a wand any day, the threat of castration can be universally applied to all men. Not even Voldemort can contain a wince from that!

I grabbed my wand and gave our hands a few precise taps before the magical bind dissolved and she immediately seized her hand. I saddened at the loss of contact.

"Wow, thanks James!" she thanked with a huge smile.

"You're welcome." Even if I didn't get to hold her hand for the rest of the ball, at least she flashed a brilliant smile at me.

I turned to the music for comfort - it was playing a slow, haunting song; suitable for dancing. All the couples were moving towards the centre hall for a dance.

"James..." Lily said uncertainly. She stared at her shoes and fiddled with her fingers - she only did that when she was asking something she wasn't usually comfortable with asking.

"Would you...would you...you know..." she looked up at me blushing then quickly turned her head away for a few quick seconds in embarrassment before going back to staring at her shoes.

My heart rate started increasing.

Is she going to ask me to dance with her? I was excited. All that effort and self-control was coming to fruit.

"It might sound random, but could you possibly...I dunno...like...mind..." she kept on stuttering on her words. Not the usual Lily. She must be so embarrassed to ask me to dance with her.

Even if I don't get to hold her hand for the rest of the ball, at least I get to dance with her.

"Say no more. I get it. Of course Lily, I'd love to," I said definitely. I was beaming. Lily Evans just asked James Potter, James _bloodly _Potter to dance with her! Not Jasper, but James! Yippee! I feel over the moon!

"Thanks James. I appreciate it. I don't usually ask for stuff like this, so I was kinda unsure how to approach it. Sorry if I sounded like a stuttering fool."

"It's no problem. You were just nervous. Frankly, I'm kinda nervous myself." I'd never danced with Lily as James before. Even as Jasper it was only once or twice - we weren't much for dancing.

"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be a great teacher."

"I'm sure there isn't much to teach. You're probably already a natural or at least have the basic skills." Lily knew the steps and all, but was rather ticklish. She would giggle if you placed a hand at her waist, so instead I usually resorted to holding the bottom of her ribcage instead, where she was less sensitive and prone to tickles.

"So when and where do you want to teach me? I'm kinda busy most days of the week with prefect duties and everything. How about Monday nights in the Library?"

Huh?

"Then again, if we're too loud, Madam Pince will kick us out of the library. But you can't instruct me on how to break magical bindings without talking to me, so maybe the Library isn't such a good idea afterall."

Magical bindings? She was so embarrassed on asking me to teach her how to undo magical bindings? Sure, she wasn't one to usually ask others on help in academics, in fact, it's usually the other way around, so it's not unusual she's _slightly _uncomfortable with asking for help for a change, but seriously, she was so uncomfortable asking me to teach her _magical bindings?_

"Maybe one of the unused classrooms then? I'm sure I could ask one of the teachers for permission; it is for an educational purpose after all."

Before, I was over the moon. Now I just felt like some lame guy who just hit the sack somewhere in the middle of some desert - alone and pointless.

Does Lily think of absolutely _nothing _other than her education? Can't I just have this one, bloody dance with her? Is it really that selfish? I mean, I'm a good person. I finish my meal before eating my dessert; I always wash my hands after going to the toilet; I listen to my mummy and never forget clean underwear and socks; and I don't collect blackmail of my parents...often. Don't you reckon I deserve one, just _one _dance with the girl that I'm head over heels for?

"So, you up for it?"

Apparently not.

"Yeah...sure..."

"Brilliant! Mondays at seven it is! I'll tell you which classroom it is later after I receive confirmation from the teachers. Once again, thanks James."

And with that, she stormed off to kill Euphie and Sirius.

My life sucks.

* * *

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK!"

"Lily?" he asked with slight disbelief. "What? Why are you-"

"Not connected to James?" she finished for him crossly.

"I was actually going to say why are you so beautiful."

"Nice try Sirius, but that doesn't work on me."

"Ok, so assume I _was _going to ask why you were disconnected, what would the answer be?"

"James reversed the spell."

"Wow, I didn't expect him to do that," he honestly looked slight shocked but contemplative.

"Well you expected wrong. Now, if you don't mind I have two people to kill, namely you and Mia."

"Now Lily, why do you think we had anything to do with it?"

"One, it was Euphie to bound us together, and two, you're Sirius," she deadpanned.

"Is that what everyone thinks of me?"

"Yes."

"Ok, so assume it _was _me, what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't have to assume anything, I _know _it was you."

"Whatever, but what are you going to do about it?" he said with a slight smirk.

"Kill you, obviously. Why are you acting so weirdly Black? What are you hiding up your sleeve?" noticing his expression.

"What makes you think I'm hiding anything?"

"That impish grin on your face." He looked like a cat who just caught the canary - up and smug.

"Well, I guess I'm caught then. Have fun Lily!"

"What are you on about Bla-Ah!"

The music changed and a select number of people, including Lily, Malfoy, Snape and Hacksley, were magically dragged onto the dance floor where they were playing Thriller by Michael Jackson and a number of his other songs.

"You've got to be kidding me," said Lily in disbelief as she danced to song, unable to control her limbs, manipulated by magic.

Any of the Michael Jackson fans at Hogwarts were enthralled, namely muggleborns and a few half-bloods. **(You have to admit that Thriller is brilliant.)**

The funny hats started raining down from the ceiling so now everyone had one. A couple were spelled to turn people's hair into weird colours like purple, orange and pink etc.

They were dancing alright; they spun, took their hats off, displaying their neon coloured hair, put their hats on and did that funny claw thing with their hands.

"BLACK!" a (non-Slytherin) green haired Lily seethed, "I"M GONNA KILL YOU FOR THIS!" Right before sliding across the dance floor and moon-walked backwards.

"You can try Lily, you can try."

Lily sent daggers his way.

* * *

"That bloody stupid, good for nothing, sodding prick! If I _ever _see him again I will hex his testicles until they fall off!" Lily had given up unspelling her hair. The Marauders' spell was just too strong.

"Now, now Lily. No need to be so angry. Many ladies will be sad if you ever did that - or guys," Mia added as an afterthought, proudly sporting her bright Gryffindor gold hair.

"I'll be doing them a favour, and don't you think you're off the hook yet. What on earth possessed you to work together with _Black _of all people?"

"What can I say, I'm a poor lonely soul who has nothing better to do other than stick couples in denial's hands together."

Lily twitched.

"You're not feeling any remorse over this, are you?"

"Nope," she popped the p, "None at all."

Lily let out the low dangerous grow of a pissed of girl with badly tempered mood swings, common during certain times of the month.

"C'mon Lily, calm down. I'm sure now the Marauders have got the pranking out of their system they'll be better behaved."

*POOF!*

A haze of smoke obscured their view.

"What have they done this time?" exasperated Lily, "So much for being better behaved. tch."

"Now, now," soothed blue haired Alice, walking in tow with Frank who unfortunately had pink hair, "If this is as interesting as watching people dancing to Mickle Lackson-"

"It's Michael Jackson," Lily corrected, "And no, it's not interesting at all," she glared, remembering her horrible experience of dancing; which also involved high hats, canes, stockings and Broadway musical.

"I found it pretty entertaining; I even kept the hat!" She twirled her hat for show and did a mock spin on her heels.

Lily looked slightly peeved before another pop drew their attention back to the pranking scene.

The teacher's bench was set up like a theatre stage. There was sole tower overgrown with lattices of vines and a small miniature garden around it. There was only one window; no door, no stairs, but a lone window. In the window there was a silhouette. They wore a beautiful, flowing shimmering dress of the medieval ages but you could not see their face as it was over-shadowed. Around the tower was a little garden overgrown and wild with weeds. Amongst the garden, at the base of the tower stood McGonagall - with whiskers, a tail and huge boots. **(A/N - Puss looks sooo cute in Shrek when he does the eyes. I squeal everytime!)**

Two spotlights danced across the stage in randomly spontaneous patterns. One targeted McGonagall, and the other shone on the mysterious figure in the tower to reveal -

DUMBLEDORE?

OMFG! Blasphemy! O woe is me! WTFH is going on?

A couple of the students fainted on the spot when they saw Dumbledore's old, wrinkly face as the identity to the previously mysterious figure in the dress by the window. Everyone practically choked on their own spit. Some of the older students were protectively shielding the younger years' eyes with their hands, one even threw their glasses to the ground and viciously began stamping on them, never wanting to see such a sight ever again - Dumbledore in a dress was overall a very scarring sight.

Then the most unthinkable thing happened.

"Dumbledore, Dumbledore, let down you're beard! Meow~" cried McGonagall, or now, more appropriately, Puss in Boots.

That did it, everyone, even the Marauders who had not been expecting such a hideous site, vomited.

No one would ever look at Dumbledore the same way again.

If this doesn't fit the theme of Halloween Horror, I don't know what will.

* * *

**Poor James. I'm so mean to him. Just when I set it up to look like Lily wants to dance with him, I mislead him and shatter all his hopes. All well, it's not my fault Lily can only think about learning so much she'd rather think about breaking magical binds than dancing with Potter. Oh wait, it is my fault.**

**Rapunzel is known in both Muggle and Wizarding worlds, but instead of it being a fairy tale like in the muggle world, it is an actual story in the Magical world. That's why the purebloods and half-bloods knew about it and reacted to the prank. (If you don't get the 'Dumbledore, Dumbledore, let down you're beard' part then you either live under a rock, or have never heard the classic fairy tale Rapunzel.)**

**If you didn't know already, JK Rowling announced ages ago that Dumbledore is actually gay. I am not sure with who however as I am not bothered to check right now, but I think it was Grindelwald, either that, or someone else - reading fanfiction can sometimes get you confused with the canon. (Is canon spelt canon or cannon? I can't be bothered to check anything right now.)**

**Sorry it took a while longer to update. I was gonna update on Saturday, but fell asleep on Sunday and had tutoring on Monday so I just got a bit lazy. I'll try to be on time - updates every weekend maybe? who knows.**

**Don't forget to review so I know how the fic is going. Some people who have posted their story after me and have way less words are already in their 200s if not more. I'm not even up to 100 yet. Frankly, I'm not quite happy with the number of reviews I'm getting - is my fic really that horrible no one feels like reviewing? :'(**

**When I write, I often find my pranks a bit rushed (I suck at writing emotional stuff and building suspense etc. Anything emotional, I suck at it), anyone else think that too? or is it just me?**

**I _think _the next chapter will be the Quidditch Match.**

**Either way, please, _please, _PLEASE review! I would _love _to have more reviews! It just makes me kinda depressed to see how little I have compared to some of the other stories. Why aren't you people reviewing!**

**This of course doesn't reply to my ever faithful reviewers: sodashalvin, CSIvHP11, HPJellicleCat, alias093001 and Darth Obnoxious.**

**If you have reviewed previously, thank you, but I could always do with some more.**

**All of you who read without ever reviewing PLEASE REVIEW! **

**I am getting desperate!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Date Posted: 21st August 2010**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

* * *

Four shadowed figures quietly snickered as they sneaked up the stairs to the Gryffindor Boys' Dorm with only one thought on their minds; those Ravens won't know what hit them.

* * *

**LilyPOV**

I suppose it was to be expected - I should have known the Marauders would prank their Quidditch opponents. Nothing could stop the Marauders' rampage on another house even if some of them seemed to have matured. It was just their natural instinct to terrorise and play pranks every opportunity given. Causing trouble mayhem and bedlam was their forte - they were boys after all, the Marauders to boot. Currently, most of the Ravenclaws were wearing Gryffindor coloured robes with messages on the back, usually saying something like, "Gryffindor Quidditch Rules!" or "Go the Lions!" Not model student behaviour, but least they didn't target a specific person in Ravenclaw but the house as a whole, that's certainly an improvement.

That was what I thought _before _I saw Geoff Hacksley, the Captain and Goal Keeper of the Ravenclaw Quidditch Team walk in. He was covered in red and gold feathers and had the word, 'chicken' across his forehead. I can frankly say he was very pissed off.

"They really did a number on Hacksley didn't they?" asked Alice.

"Yeah, thank god I'm not allergic to feathers, otherwise I would be sneezing up a storm like Hacksley over there," said Mia, for unfortunately, Hacksley _was _in fact allergic to feathers.

I snorted when Hackley sneezed and got scrambled egg in his face and stuck on his feathers.

"Are my ears decieving me? _The _Lily Evans just _approved _of the Marauders' prank? I must have come down with dragon pox. Alice, would you be so kind as to check my temperature for me?" dramatised Euphie with Alice playing along.

"Ha ha, very funny guys," I said dryly, "I wasn't _approving, _I merely _acquiesced_. There's a difference you know."

"Regardless, the fact remains that you didn't object," said Alice.

"You my friend, are going soft - especially on James whom, might I remind you, that you haven't kicked in over two months," said Euphie, "That's a record breaker!"

"Whatever," I ignored them in favour of my toast; can't let it go cold.

"Hey, look!" Alice exclaimed.

I turned around to see...to see..._Hacksley regurgitating an egg?_

"Ew! That is disgusting! He's vomiting eggs!" shrieked Mia.

And as the entire hall could see, Geoff Hacksley was spewing up whole eggs, shell and all, from his mouth. At least it didn't come out like a _real _chicken.

"They are taking this chicken theme seriously aren't they?" said Alice.

"Do you think he'll be well enough for the game?" Hacksley being sick was probably the only thing keeping him from hexing the Marauders right now.

"Don't worry. As sneaky as the Marauders are, they aren't unfair. They wouldn't do anything that would jeopardise the quality of the game; they're just too Gryffindor. Hacksley will probably be better a good while before the game starts," I said.

I was about to return to the dorms when Severus came over.

"Hey Sev!" I smiled at my bestfriend.

Over the years, both Alice and Euphemia had grown accustommed to Severus being one of my bestfriends. Whilst Alice was a skeptical at first, she eventually accepted it. Euphie, being a pureblood Flint that was suppose to go to Slytherin herself, had no trouble with him at all and just treated him like any other person.

"Here's my part of the potions assignment and here's the book you asked about. There's a whole chapter on the Oculus Potion you were looking for," he informed. From the look on his face, to most people he would seem cold and uncaring, but if you spend enough time with him and get to know him better, you will realise it's all just a front he puts up.

"Sure, I'll combine it with my half of the assignment of which here is a copy of," I said as I handed him a stack of parchment, "By the way, thanks for remembering about the oculus potion; I didn't expect you to. Afterall, I just briefly mentioned it once. Thanks Sev," I beamed.

Severus didn't seem to react, he looked as cold and uncaring as always. But unknown to anyone else, Severus was fully concentrating on controlling his emotions by locking them behind his occlumency shields. If he blushed or showed signs of his crush on Lily, then he will be doomed for. Not only will Lily reject him, but when the Slytherins find out, they will probably bully and taunt her too. This was one of the reasons he trained his occlumency skills so hard. As a Slytherin, control over one's emotions was a vital skill; now would be the perfect opportunity to employ them.

"Your welcome. Now if you'll excuse me, I must head back to my common room." And with that, Severus stalked his way back to the Slytherin Dungeons with his black robes as billowy as ever; he must've practiced ever since he could walk!

"Anyway, see you at the game guys," I addressed Mia and Alice, "I'm going back to my dorm."

I wouldn't usually attend Quidditch games, even now I don't do so without a good book, but both Mia and Alice were on the team, so I might as well attend and give them my support.

"See ya Lils. Bye!"

"Bye!"

* * *

Unlike what one would expect, the Marauders were in fact _not _still in bed, to the immense relief of a certain chocolate addict with what was dubbed 'the little furry problem'. They may have slept in, but at least it was not a _Marauder _sleep in - _massive _difference there.

"For once Padfoot, you actually have a brain!" exclaimed Remus in disbelief, looking at the ingenious piece of parchment Sirius presented.

"I must agree; Padfoot, I am seriously shocked," said James, looking at the sheet with equal awe.

"Why thank you," he said proudly, "Now you two can go distribute copies of this to the other Gryffies before my stroke of intelligence goes to waste whilst I go set up the cue."

"Aye, aye Padfoot!" said Remus in a sudden bout of childishness. The adrenaline was getting to him.

"Muwahahahahaha!" cackled James.

The rest of the Marauders looked at him with a WTF look.

"Sorry, muggle thing," he apologised.

"Merlin muggles are weird," said Sirius.

James ignored the comment but noted for future reference not to 'Muwahahaha" in front of ther people.

* * *

"Welcome to the first Quidditch match of the year!" greeted Tristian Bronson, the Gryffindor Quidditch commentator, "I'm sure we are all very excited to watch Ravenclaw and Gryffindor, arch rivals for the past 4 cups, play it out against each other."

The crowd roared waving their house colours in the form of flags proudly.

"So without for ado, as the saying goes, Let the games begin!"

"Now I want a nice clean game from all of you. No blagging, blatching, blurting, bumphing, cobbing..." Both teams rolled their eyes. She had to go through all ten common fowls _every _game!

"...and finally, _no _stooging! Is that clear?"

"Yes Madame Hooch," all the players sighed. **(A/N - Madame Hooch was born prior to 1918 and James attended his first year at Hogwarts in the year 1971, so you do the math; I suck at it, but it seems to fit.)**

"On your brooms...get set...go!" and all four balls as well as the players shot up in the air.

"An up they go! As expected Potter, the Gryffindor Chaser, is first to get to the Quaffle. Beat that you birds!"

"Tristain!"

"Sorry Professor McGonagall."

"Potter dodges the Bludger send sent by Flackson, he ducks under Stronroff as the Ravenclaw Chaser tries to steal the Quaffle, and with a beautiful reverse pass he manages to get the ball to fellow Chaser, Welcroft."

"She passes it to the final member of the Gryffindor Chasers, Manson. Manson doesn't even care about the Bludger sent her way from Harper, showing her complete trust to the Gryffindor Beaters, and it proves to be a trust well founded as Sewlyn (Alice) **(A/N - I don't think they ever tell you what Alice's maiden name was, so just for this story say she's a Sewlyn. The Sewlyns are a pureblood family part of the cannon.)**, whams it straight back at Harper, with pin-point accuracy as it hits right at the end of his broom, sending the inferior raven spinning."

"Tristain! No derogatory comments!"

"Sorry Professor."

"The seekers of both teams are still surveying the field for the snitches. Nothing exciting there yet."

"Black beats the Bludger away from Potter as Potter shoots foward under Manson who performs a Porskoff Ploy, passing the Quaffle to Potter. What teamwork! Take that bird-brains!"  
(Porskoff Ploy - One chaser flies upward, and then throws the Quaffle down to another chaser directly below.)

"Tristain!"

"Sorry Professor."

"All the Chasers assemble whilst the Beaters of both sides battle it out with a rally, slamming the Bludger to and fro with great speed and finesse shown from the Lions unlike the sloppy teamwork of the ravens."

"Tristain!"

"Sorry Professor."

"Don't say sorry if you don't change!"

"Yes Professor."

"You can tell the ravens haven't practiced because they are overpowered by the speed and strength of the two Gryffindor Beaters' skills."

McGonagall gave a warning glare.

"Getting on with it," he said quickly, "the three Gryffindor Chasers have started a Hawkshead Attacking Formation and are ruthlessly forcing the opposing team asside. Potter passes to Manson, Manson passes Welcroft who passes it back to Manson. Meters from the goals the all speed up with perfect timing and synchronisation, surprising the unprepared ravens."  
(Hawkshead Attacking Formation - Three chasers fly in triangle shape to force other chasers aside.)

"The Quaffle finally ends up with Potter who bolts up to the goals whilst the other two stopping the other teams chasers from interfering."

"With hair-raising speed Potter charges at the goals and shoots! No wait! It was a trick! He abruptly does a sharp turn only professionals can hope to achieve, he aims for the hoop, on the other side of the Ravenclaw Keeper and Captain, Hacksley. The Keeper has no hope of saving it. Potter shoots! He scores! Ten points to Gryffindor! Our beautiful Keeper, Ms. Flint hasn't even broken a sweat yet! Take that Hacksley! The Cup's ours again! You Ravenclaws should go back to your books!"

"Tristain!"

"Sorry Professor."

Halfway through the crowd's cheering, a firework shot up, exploding in a brilliant flash of red and gold before spelling out the words, "Brought to you by the Marauders. Written by Padfoot."

That was the signal. All the Gryffindors and some of the other houses who learnt of this fiasco and weren't cheering for Ravenclaw or wanted to make fun of them started chanting.

_Down! Down! With Ravenclaw!_  
_They are going in the bin,_  
_'Cause Gryffindor will always win!_

_We'll shout it to the East,_  
_Then shout it to the West;_  
_We the Lions are the best!_

_When those nerdy Ravens lose,_  
_They will be all black and blue,_  
_'Cause to the cup they say, 'Adieu!'_

_You the Ravens aren't close knit._  
_In front of books you'd rather sit,_  
_Thus this is why you play like ****_

"MR. BLACK!"

All in a good days work. No harm done - really.

**(A/N - No offence to anyone who likes Ravenclaw. It's just for the fic.)**

**

* * *

**

"Yay!" cheered the Gryffindors who were celebrating their landslide win against Ravenclaw.

"And I now now present to you, the Gryffindor Qudditch Team!" announced Tristain.

"Wooohooo!" screamed the Gryffindors as the Quidditch Team entered the Common room.

"Bring out the beerbutters!"

And so, everyone partied in the Gryffindor Common Room as the Ravenclaws were sulking in their own.

Like the prank in the Great Hall earlier this year, once again an assortment of Muggle hits were played as a neon ball of lights lit the dim room. Muggle music was quickly being a favourite. Even Malfoy and his gang of pureblood idealists were caught humming the occasional muggle tune.

With the help of magic, various members of Gryffindor set up the room for the party. Two long tables were on either side of the room, covered with platters of scrumptious party food.

In a corner of the room was a table of drinks, with punch, milkshakes, soft drinks etc. During the many years of Hogwarts, some muggleborns (along with some discreet poking from James) insisted on bringing some muggle food and drinks for them to try. This led to the whole house being pizza, soft drink and milkshake addicts along with other muggle foods that weren't available in the Wizarding World.

Of course the party didn't involve alcohol; alcohol wasn't permitted in school.

This is of course why nearly everyone was off their face at about 12 midnight.

"Sirius! You spiked the punch again didn't you?" berated Remus as he tried to get past a delusional 6th year who seems to have mistaken a post for a hot girl - either that or it was a flavoured pole.

"Ngo! Ov gause nod!" he slurred, as he stumbled and smiled drunkly.

"Not only did you spike the punch but your drunk again aren't you?"

"I suwear ta dwunk ei'm nod Godd!" he said, right before tripping over thin air and landing on his face.

"Yeah Pads, real convincing. Now," Remus said, supporting Sirius up off the floor, "lets get you back to the dorm before you-"

Blurgh!

"Sirius! You sicked on me!" looking down on his robes in disgust, "Great! This is the payment I get for being a good friend: getting covered in vomit and probably smelling like it for the next couple of days too. Just great!"

"Wow Remus, you look sick!" teased Euphie, laughing at her own pun.

"Ha. Ha. Very funny," he said dryly, "In case you haven't realised Mia, I'm not exactly in the mood for it."

"Well, maybe that was a bit far," she looked apologetically. Anyone who just got sicked on for being a good friend does not deserve to be teased.

"You think?" he raised an eyebrow, completely unamused.

"Sorry. Here, let me help you with that," she said, raising her wand she cast a _scourgify _on him, ridding his sodden robes of the vomit.

"Thanks, I'm still so gonna take a shower though. Spells might make you clean, but only water and soap can make you _feel _clean," he said.

"_Mobilicorpus!" _he cast. He didn't want to come into close contact with Sirius until they were sure he wouldn't throw up again, "I should get an Order of Merlin First Class for sticking with these idiots with all the trouble they put me through," he jokingly sighed. Sure, he loved his friends and would die for them without a second thought, but you had to admit, being the sensible one in the group of the Marauders was not an easy job. Being vomited on by Sirius was proof enough.

And luckily he did use magic to lift Sirius, as once again, he vomited; this time, all over the floor.

"I'll clean that up, you get him to the bathroom or something," she said, her face screwed with a tinge of disgust. Let's admit it, not matter how many Dove Evolutions you did on it, vomit isn't exactly ever going to win a beauty contest. **(If you don't get the Dove Evolution thing, don't worry about it. It might just be an Australian thing. It's basically just a process of lots of make-up and, photoshopping)**

"'K. Thanks, Mia."

Remus levitated Sirius up the stairs, accidentally hitting his head on the banister a few times. Oh well, it wasn't like there were any brain cells left to kill of anyway - no harm done.

"Mac end Bill bent pup de drill ta sketch uh fail ob order~ klown game town ant poked 'is down~ en gill cahm dombelig affer!"

Remus listened to this bemusedly and some what worried for the mentality of one of his bestfriends. What on Earth went on in that empty skull of his?

"Zo bihg wround en suquishii~!"

That sure answers his question.

Remus quickly got him in the bathroom just as Sirius was about to vomit again. The things friends do for each other - this is going to be one loooong night.

* * *

**LilyPOV**

Practically everyone was plastered. A couple of years ago, I would have been trying to report their disorderly behaviour to the teacher and their blatant breach of school protocols, but now, in my fifth year, I just didn't care; got used to it.

I haven't been to a single party in Gryffindor where alcohol wasn't involved. It was more or less it was integrated into Gryffindor practice; all the drunk people would get drunk, and all the people still sober would clean up the mess to provide cover from the teachers. _Some _of us have to be responsible.

I watched the inebriated drunkards continue to get sloshed - I hope Madame Pomfrey has a readily prepared supply of hangover potions. We're gonna need cauldron-loads! Then again, they should learn their lesson - even if they have yet to do so after all their years of Hogwarts.

"'ey Lily," slurred a James as he stumbled towards me in he's drunken stupor.

"James, you're drunk," I said worriedly, trying to get him to sit down before he tripped.

"Eim zot druhnk," he slurred, right before he tripped over the edge of a carpet.

"I'll believe that once you start talking straight," I sighed, helping him up and setting him down on an unoccupied couch. Nearly half the Gryffindor population were passed our on the floor, in broom closets or other private places with their girlfriend or boyfriend; alcohol did that to people.

He plopped down onto the couch and took another swig of firewhiskey from the bottle in his hand.

"Give me that. You can't drink anymore. You're drunk enough already," I said, trying to pry the bottle from his hand with a bit of a struggle.

"Yor pwetty."

"Thanks James, but drunks think everyone is pretty," I humoured him

"Noh! Yor weally pwetty! Yor ayes ar pwetty! Yor he'ar is pwetty too!"

I felt silly for blushing at his compliments even though I knew he was drunk, but did so anyway.

"Yor ayes ar lyk spwarkli emma'ralld jules. En yor lohng fierii wed he'air ish sho sheiny an seelky wif a fwresh sutawberi sent. I hav a bottol ov yor shampu jus so ei kan smellit."

I'm pretty sure he didn't mean to tell my about the shampoo. Frankly, a guy having a bottle of strawberry scented shampoo to sniff from time to time was quite stalkeristic.

"Bud I lyke yor persunaliti ze bhest! Yor nise, cairing en kinde tu evrywun, evan Malfo an tat slymi shnayke! Yor altistick an selfluss, onli efar carin' aboud oters. Nod tu mehnshion smarrt en yu ollways twy yur besht kno mater de obshtical! Dats wai ai luv yuu," James said fervently with a goofy smile.

It might have sounded really corny like someone just copied it off the internet, but to me, it really sweet. No one had ever said anything like that to me before. I never knew that's what James thought of me. I always thought he only bothered chasing me because he saw me as a challenge, as I was one of the few girls at Hogwarts ever to turn down a date with him. Not ev-

My eyes widened as I felt James' soft lips on mine. I could taste the burning tang of alcohol on his lips. It wasn't wet or slimy like I always thought kisses would be like, but warm and soothing. He wasn't harsh or demanding, just gentle and sweet.

James fell back to the couch, unconcious and probably with no recollection what had just occured. The only evidence of what just happened had occured, was the goofy smile on his face and my fingertips pressed against my lips.

That was my first kiss. My first kiss got stolen by James Potter.

* * *

**Here's some interesting stuff I thought you might be...interested in. I dug it up on Harry Potter Wikia from the Quidditch article.**

**All seven-hundred fouls were committed during the final of the 1473 Quidditch World Cup. Some of these included:**

**- Transfiguring of a chaser into a polecat.**  
**- Attempted decapitation of a keeper with a broadsword.**  
**- The release of one-hundred blood-sucking vampire bats from under the Transylvanian Captain's robes during the game.**

**Let's hope it's more regulated nowadays.**

* * *

**Yay! Lily got her first kiss with James! Wonder how she feels about him now? **

**So, how was the game? I've never written a Quidditch game before so it probably still needs a lot of work. To any Ravenclaw lovers I make my message clear:**

**I do NOT hate Ravenclaws.**** It is for the match only. Ravenclaw is my second favourite house after Slytherin. So please don't flame me for derogating Ravenclaw in this fic. It's just for the game.**

**K. So now you can tell me how you like this chapter by REVIEWING!**

**You can also ALERT! my fic so you can read future chapters!**

**I'm so happy I've been getting more reviews recently. Thank you for all your support! It's all very much appreciated.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Date Posted: 12th September 2010**

**Disclaimer: I am sorry to inform myself (and readers) that I do not own Harry Potter and probably never will.**

**Sorry for the shortish chapter and late-ish update. I had a really hectic few weeks with the science test and prac. I also had a bit of a writers block with this chapter, so it was kinda hard to write.**

**Warning that I might also be late-ish in future updates as I have some tests coming up and stacks of assignments. The english assesment is a particular concern as I have to memorise and act part of Shakespeare in groups of 3 as a major exam (common)! I can't remember any of it!**

* * *

I sat up and groaned. My head was absolutely throbbing. My eyes were aching like hell too. I tried opening my eyes, but slammed them shut the moment they came in contact with light. I fucking hate hangovers.

Disimpaired by my lack of sight, I tried feeling for my glasses on the bedside table with little success.

"Here."

I felt Remus pressed my glasses in my hand and I fumbled to put them on.

"Thanks," I groaned again. My throat was bone dry and felt sandpaper rough. "I'm never drinking again."

"Just like the other 101 previous times," reminded Remus.

"Shut up. You're giving me a bloody headache," I said, massaging my temples.

"No need to be so rude. It's not my fault you got drunk and now have a head-splitting hangover."

"Well you standing there isn't making things any better is it. Can I have the Hangover Potion now?"

"What makes you think I have one?"

"So you think a hangover potion just pops up from the middle of no where on my bedside table every time I'm drunk?"

"Maybe? It is the magical world after all."

"I'm drunk, Sirius is drunk, Peter's passes out after just a sip and you're always sober. Who else could it be?"

He just smirked and handed me a vial from his front pocket. I gratefully accepted the potion and quickly downed the concoction, gagging at its foul taste, but it was worth it. Within seconds, my aches and pains started to clear up.

"Thanks mate."

"Your welcome," he smiled, "Now help me wake up Padfoot," he grinned evily.

I groaned, and this time, it was not from my hangover.

I shook Sirius and said, "Sirius, wake up mate."

"That's not going to work. You need something with more impact," said Remus, "Sirius, last night you got drunk and slept with Snape."

* * *

"Hey, Alice, did you hear something?"

"No, what did you hear Mia?"

"It kinda sounded like a someone screaming or something. I think it came from the Gryffindor Tower."

"That's impossible, this is the Great Hall. We're much to far away to hear a band of banshees let alone a single person scream."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Must have just been my imagination."

* * *

"Don't you ever, _ever, **ever**_ use that method to wake me up again. You nearly gave me a heart attack. Chinese Opera? I'd take that anyday. Freezing cold water? No problem. Super hot chicks? Sure. But if you ever use Snape again, I'll throw you in the girls shower room during peak hour."

"That's a bit harsh isn't it?" I asked.

"Yeah, well waking me up by telling me I'd slept with Snivellous was way worse! I was having such a good dream too. They were all so big round and squishy~"

Sirius had entered a dreamy drooling state and his hand making groping motions. What a pervert!

"In my dream, there were hundreds of them. All just as big round and squishy as the other. They're so soft and bouncy! You can snuggle into them whenever you want. Run your hand over them and feel the soft squishy texture~"

Remind me again why I have such a perverted bastard as my bestfriend. There must surely be army loads of better candidates for a best mate considering what an awesome dude I am.

"Why are you guys looking at me like that? I spent the whole dream snuggling into and bouncing on them. Do you reckon we could get a set? Don't you want one too?"

We choked on thin air at his question.

"What? No! Sirius, I'm not getting one, James isn't getting one and neither are you - _ever!_" It's grotesquely demented for him to even ask us that question.

"Geez, no need to be so snappish about it. If you don't want a bean bag chair I won't force you to."

Remus and I had our mouths gapping like cod fish, opening and closing them as if we had something to say but couldn't quite form into words.

"Remus..."

"Yes James?"

"Don't you think something feels kinda off?"

"Yup."

"For once, we are the ones more dirty minded than Sirius. The world must be coming to an end."

There was no vocal reply, only a blank nod.

* * *

_James didn't kiss you._

_James didn't kiss you._

"Could you pass the pepper please Lily?"

_James didn't kiss you._

_James didn't kiss you._

"Lily."

_James didn't kiss you._

_James didn't kiss you._

"Lily!"

_James didn't kiss you._

_James didn't kiss you._

*Whack!

"Ow! Alice, what was that for?" I palmed the bump on my head, nursing the wound.

"You weren't listening!" said Euphie.

"I was just thinking."

"You've been like this all morning. What the hells going on in that head of yours?" asked Alice, mostly annoyed, but I could hear a tinge of worry in her voice.

"Nothing. I'm perfectly fine. Of course I'm perfectly fine. Why wouldn't I be perfectly fine," I said to reassure her, though, it sounded much more directed to myself.

_That's right, I can handle James. He didn't really kiss me. He was drunk. You can handle it. You're are a mature teenager, so act like one. It's no big deal. Heaps of people kiss. It wasn't even really a kiss. He just pressed his lips against yours; that's not a kiss. Just lip pressing; his lips against yours. That's right, nothing like a kiss. It happens all the time. There's nothing to freak out about. It was just lip pressing; as simple as that._

"Morning Lily," greeted James.

_Oh, who am I kidding! He kissed me! He _kissed _me! Argh! What am I going to do? My first kiss got stolen by James Potter. How am I going to face Jasper? James doesn't even remember it happening! OMG! James fucking _kissed _me!_

"Lily."

_James kissed me._

"Lily, can you hear me?"

_James kissed me._

"Hello, anyone home?"

_James kissed me._

"Apple juice."

_James kissed me._

"Lily!"

_James kissed me._

"LILY!"

*Whack!

"Ow! That's the second time today Alice. Keep your hands to yourself!"

"Well whose fault is it for spacing out all day."

"Lily, are you alright? You were kinda out of it for a while just then. You didn't even react when I said, 'apple juice'. One can practically bring you back from the dead by just putting a glass of apple juice in front of you," said James, concerned.

"I'm fine. Just got a lot on my mind right now," I was going red at our proximity.

"You sure? Your face looks kinda red. Are you sick?" James leaned forward、genuinely concerned and place a palm on my forehead to check my temperature. I blushed bright red at the contact.

"You should really go to Mme. Pomfrey. Here I'll take you." He grabbed my hand to guide me towards the Hospital Wing.

"No!" I suddenly stood up, snatching my hand back, "I'm fine. Really. I- I- I'll just head to class early. Bye guys," I said quickly.

I zoomed out of the hall before the others could protest and headed for the Charms classroom. I turned a corner, and in my rush, I crashed into someone, sending both of us and the books on the ground.

Oomph!

"I'm sorry," I said, before looking up to see I had crashed into Severus, "I'm sorry Severus. I haven't been operating straight all morning," I said, gathering our scattered books.

"It's fine Lily," he said, helping out, "If you're not feeling well you should go see Madame Pomfrey."

I let out a brief laugh, "That's the exact same thing James."

Severus did not look pleased being compared to Potter.

"This is all Potter's fault," I whispered under my breath, not realising Severus' eyes glinted dangerously as heard me, "Anyway, see ya later Sev. Bye!"

With that, I continued my way to the Charms Classroom. With my back turned, I did not see the anger continuing to boil Severus' eyes.

* * *

"Hey Moony, what do we have first again?" I asked.

"That's the second time this morning Prongs!" Because they were so late for breakfast, only one or two other late students remained.

"It's not my fault! I was trashed last night so excuse me for not remembering my timetable!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Charms. You know, the one with Professor Flitwick. Mostly consist of students waving their wands and charming random objects, or in your case sleeping," he said really slowly as if talking to a little child.

"I'm forgetful, not three. I know what charms is! And it's not my fault charms is so easy that I fall asleep in it. I'm a growing boy! I need my sleep."

"How can you sleep through over 90% of the class and still rank 3rd?"

"What can I say? I'm a genius."

"Bastard."

I just smirked.

"You know, if you bothered writing more detailed answers during tests, you could easily rank first or at least second in practically all your subjects," said Remus.

"Nah, not bothered. It sucks to be such a nerd anyway. I'd rather sleep."

"In case you've forgotten, I'm one of those nerds. And you shouldn't be sleeping during class at all, let alone tests. I don't care if you've finished the test. You could go through it or write more detailed answers," said the academically enthused Remus. Why he isn't a Ravenclaw I have no idea.

"Only you and Lily could ever be bothered doing that. There's no way I'm ever going to; I'd rather sleep. I just answer the questions to necessary standards and I sleep. If you and Lily want to add extra info for bonus marks, that's up to you."

"But you're always finished in about half the time as everyone else! By the time I've answered all the questions, you've already answered and checked them all and fallen asleep! I haven't even double checked yet!"

"You would have finished by then too if you and Lily didn't write answers that are about twice as long as everyone elses."

"Don't you think you could be putting your intelligence to something other than sleeping?"

"I'm not really that intelligent. It's just that Rowena's a good tutor. I'm more of a practical person anyway."

"Sure Row's a good teacher, but she tutors us _all. _That's means all the rest is your own work. And that's not all, of all of us, you're also the best at casting spells, both the fastest to pick it up and with the most power."

"You're exaggerating. Beginner's luck; that's all. Anyway, Sirius prefers practical to theory. All the theory talk R'ena gives him goes in one ear and out the other. Directly affecting his practical results. Whilst you're good at theory, your magic core is only a bit better than average because of constant practice. However, this extra power is usually negated due to the wild nature of your magical cause of your 'little furry problem'. Peter's core is barest average and you'd have better lucky explaining theory to a toddler than Peter. Anyway, since when did you switch from telling me I'm stupid to calling me intelligent?" I smirked, whilst snatching the last muffin as the food began to disappear, probably back to the kitchens.

"I've always thought you were intelligent, only stupid for using it in all the wrong areas. Either way, we better head off to class. The hall's long empty."

With that they headed off to charms.

* * *

"Hey Lils, are you feeling better?" James asked.

"Er..yeah, thanks."

"If you're sick you really shouldn't be in class. You should rest."

"Thanks for your concern. Got to go. Bye!"

Lily dashed away to sit next to Mia. Most avoid sitting next to Mia as she's very distracting and bad at charms.

Perplexed at Lily's enthusiasm to sit with Euphie, James moved back to his seat with the Marauders. Just in time too, as Professor Flitwick entered.

"Now class, today, we are going to learn an advanced colour changing charm. Pay attention as the theory is particularly complicated."

James tuned out after the demonstation. The Marauders had already used that spell in a prank a couple of years ago.

_"Might as well sleep," _thought James.

*_some time later_

"Hey, James. Wake up. We have to get partners and practice the charm," said Remus.

"Huh? Oh. I'll go with Padfoot."

"Can't. The teacher said to partner with people of the opposite gender."

"Sirius is girly enough. Remember the way he screamed this morning when we told him he'd slept with Snape. Definitely a patronus moment," he said with smirk.

"Regardless, his anatomy suggests he is a guy, so go partner with someone else."

Remus walked off with Rebecca Karrow, an intelligent Ravenclaw who he met up to study with in the library frequently.

"Hey Lily, do you have a partner yet?"

Lily stiffened.

"Er...yeah, sorry James, but I'm going with..." she looked around for a free guy to partner with and spotted Alice and Frank, "Frank!" Lily snatched Frank from Alice, "Sorry, I need to borrow him for a while," she whispered to Alice. Whilst they all; James, Alice and Frank, looked at her weirdly, they all consented, shrugging it off.

Lily felt stupid. She felt _so_ stupid for treating James like this, but she just couldn't help it. It was too hard, too confusing. Why is she acting this way? He was drunk for heavens sake. That kiss didn't mean a thing. Yet for the rest of the lesson, Lily continued avoiding leaving him James and everyone else, somewhat confused.

* * *

James was feeling very confused. Had he done something to upset Lily? Was it something he said? Something he did? Why was Lily avoiding him?

He continued his way to the Armour Gallery before quickly bowing, greeting the king and saying those three magic words, opening up the portal to the Secret Lounge. He had been going there whenever he had spare time to work on Lily's necklace. Other than him and the Founders, only Remus really knew about it.

"Hi James," greeted the Founders.

"Hey guys," he sighed. The Founders immediately knew something was wrong. James was, by nature, a very vibrant person. Not much could bring him down. Especially in recent times, ever since he and Lily had struck a bit of a friendship, he has been estatic. There _must _be something wrong.

"James, are you feeling alright? Is something wrong? If you're not well we can always continue making the necklace next time," asked a concerned Helga.

"No, it's fine. I'm just a bit befuddled today," murmured James as he got up and prepared to begin charming the necklace. The Founders were a bit hesitant, after all, performing powerful charms without a clear mind could potentially be quite dangerous, but agreed, as they knew, once James set his mind to do something, it would be difficult to persuade him otherwise.

James tried, they'd give him credit for that, but without the concerntration that was vital to perform difficult charms, they made little progress. By the end of lunch, he had only been able to cast one charm, in comparisson to their usually three. (these were very complicated charms with very long incantations and could be broken down into many steps just to cast one of them - precision was essential)

"Well, why don't we take a break from the practical stuff and start reading the theories for the rituals instead," kindly suggested Bell.

"Yeah, since the break is coming up, you'll have heaps of times to get through those tomes - they are really thick afterall," added 'Ric, trying to cheer him up.

"Meet me in my office and I'll direct you to the books," said 'Rena.

James just nodded.

* * *

**Well, that's that. I'll try to update asap, but no guarantees cause I've got heaps to do.**

**If you didn't already know, I posted a really short two segment spoof on Romeo and Juliet. It was really me just being bored and high on sugar and scribbling random comments all over my english homework.**

**So if you are very bored or looking for a WTF laughing moment, go check it out. Even if you don't usually read Romeo and Juliet fics, it's pretty much just for a laugh.**

**Once again, sorry for the late update or if the chapter wasn't particularly good. I was really busy and had a massive writers block. Hope it didn't disappoint you.**

**REVIEWS PLS~!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Date Posted: 26th November 2010**

**Disclaimer:**

**"Accio copyrights for Harry Potter!"**

***50 million sheets fall from the sky.**

**"Accio the _real _copyright for Harry Potter!"**

***A computer hits me square in the chest - Stupid digitalised world.**

**"Muwahahahaha! I now hold the copyrights for Harry Potter!"**

***Turns computer on**

**Enter password_**

**"Damn!"**

**Let's face the facts. I'll never own Harry Potter no matter how hard I try. It belongs to JK Rowling and anyone else who it belongs to.**

* * *

**Ok, I know you all probably think I've gone and died somewhere in the gutters of Australia after not updating for so long, but I do have excuses all lined up to give you guys._*releases hand and a huge scroll rolls out down a couple hundred staircase_**

**So here they are. Firstly, I'll admit, the major reason would probably that I was lazy and have been caught up more in reading than writing. Secondly, I had lots of school work and stuff. Thirdly, I had 2 camps on, and they were NOT fun. In fact, they sucked, L-I-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y! In fact, camp was the inspiration for this chapter due to the fact I had to carry a backpack of about 12kg for about 20km in the national park during both a hailstorm and thunderstorm with LEECHES trying to crawl up my leg for a nice meal and sleep in a tent pitched near a river during a thunderstorm. Not only that, but I found out that I had a very attractive face - if you were raindrops that is. Stupid leaky tent. Ah, that so so much fun._*dripping with sarcasm._**

**If I was rich enough or had enough funds or could be bothered, then I would so be suing Aeroguard right now for false claims. That's right! Aeroguard does not "repel" leeches like it claims to do so at the back. Otherwise, I wouldn't have found about SIX on my shoe!**

**Finally, THEY BLOCKED FFN AT MY SCHOOL! Can you _believe_ it? I do most of my writing at school an stuff, so I'm always on and they blocked it! I can't even read at school now even when I get a story alert in my email. WHY? Not even mobile version works. Damn stupid school filters. Anyway, let's start.**

* * *

James just came back from R'ena's library with the stack of tomes necessary to complete the bracelet all shrunk into his trouser pocket. He had a LOT of summer reading to do. Can you believe that Row called it "light reading".

As anyone would expect, R'ena's quaters were in the library, hence he would've never realise how to get in there or even discover it in the first place if R'ena hadn't have told him herself.

R'ena's office location was a strange one. It was in the most abandoned part of the library, and it was abandoned for a reason.

Firstly, because it was far into the back corners of the library. Secondly, there weren't any tables around for studying. But mostly because the titles mostly consisted of titles ranging from _Harold the Hungarian Horntailed Dragon_ to _Dancing Daffodils and Friends_. Oh well, what better place to hide a secret passage to Rowena Ravenclaw's private office than in the kiddie book section?

All one had to do to enter her office was to rearange the first five books of the bottom shelf so that the first letters of the titles spelt "RAVEN". Then, if you press your palm on the underside of the above shelf directly above the rearanged books you will feel the faint engravings of the Ravenclaw emblem. All you have to do now is say,_"Scientia potestas est". _(Latin: Knowlege is power.) and voila! You're in. That is so typical of Row.

He was just about to turn a corner to reach the Grand Staircase when someone slammed him into the wall, jabbing their wand painfully into his forehead.

"What did you do to her, Potter?" spat Snape venemously.

James didn't answer, he just tried to pry Snivellous' hands off him reach for his wand. Snape noticed and swatted it away, landing several meters away before rolling even further.

"Tell me what you did to her!" Snape roared ferociously, slamming Potter into the wall again. "Tell me what you did!"

James was feeling really dizzy. Not only because Snape was shaking him violently and slamming him head first into a solid rock wall, but Snape's grip around his neck was constricting, cutting off his air supply.

James sputtered, gasping for air when Snape forcefully threw him to the ground, causing his grip to finally release.

"_Diffindo! Deprimo! Sectumsempra!"_ fired Snape, tirelessly from his wand. James, yet to recover fully from the attack, could only roll out of the way. His wand to was too far out of reach and he was only rolling further and further away from it.

_"Reducto! Densaugeo!"_ As James kept rolling away to avoid the curses, Snape stalked forward, his gauntlet of fire unrelenting.

James was running out of time, soon, he would reach the Grand Staircase and he would have nowhere else to run (roll). He had to chose, keep rolling around until he reached the staircase and could roll no more lest he rolled off and fell to his death, or fight?

He'd have to fight, but in order to do that, he needed his out-of-reach wand and to get his wand, he'd need to summon it with magic - wandless magic. He'd promised the Founders not to reveal to anyone that he along with the Marauders were capable of wandless magic unless in a life or death situation. Did this count? He was certain Snape wouldn't _kill_ him, seriously maim him to the brink of death maybe, but kill he most certainly would not.

_"Bombarda!"_ James changed his mind. Snape would kill him, just like he did to that stone wall that was there only moments ago.

In this time, any wandless magic beyond a spark or a few puffs of wafting smoke was rare. The ability was definitely not something you flaunted. He had to make a choice, and he had to make it soon.

3 more meters left...

2...

1...

STOP

"_Accio James' wand!"_

Stuff keeping it a secret. It _was_ a life or death situation.

His hand flashed with the tell tale signs of magic as the wand shot into his hand, humming contentedly from being called and reunited with its owner. Snape was temporarily shocked at his skilled use of wandless magic and faltered for a second - and a second was all James needed.

_"Expelliarmus! Incacerous!" _The wand shot out of Snapes hand just as he was bound by magical chains. Strategically, attacking him wandlessly might have been a better option; it would give him more surprise element. But, but revealing that he could _accio_ wandlessly was already more than enough let along cast actual offensive spells.

James took his chance and bolted for it. The further away the better.

* * *

What the heck was wrong with Snape? And what did he mean by, "What did you do to her?" Who's 'her'?

He speed walked back to his dorm, still tense and alert from the attack.

Past the hallway near the girls lavatory, he heard a perverted giggling noise - a perverted Sirius giggling noise.

_"Oh please let him not be doing what I think he is,"_ James sighed. He did not want to be dealing with Sirius right now.

"Padfoot," he started as he approached him. Sirius was standing near the entry to the girls lavatory concealed under his invisibility cloak; it was his cloak, so it only made sense that he should be able to see through it no matter what. "why the hell are you outside the girls lavatory during prime shower-time giggling perversely underneath my invisibility cloak?"

Sirius abruptly turned around to face James, he had been so enraptured by his thoughts he hadn't even noticed him. He quickly realised the situation and grabbed James to force him underneath the cloak too.

"Are you trying to compromise my position here?"

"I think your giggling pretty much gave you away. So what, may I ask, are you doing?" he said, casting silencing spells around them so they could freely talk without being heard.

"Hey, why are you only questioning me? Remus is here too. I don't see you interogating him!"

"That's cause I know that he's only here to keep you on a leash."

"Haha. The dog jokes got old ages ago," Sirius said dryly. He hated being linked to dogs.

"Not to us they didn't," said James.

"I must agree that's true," inserted Remus, "Anyways, do you think I wanna be here?"

"Of course you do! Which straight guy wouldn't want to look at girls halfway through their showers running out?" said Sirius.

"So that's what you're planning?" said Remus and James simultaneously.

"Of course! Why else in the world would I here."

Somehow, Remus and James realised that that was true. Why else would Sirius be outside the girls shower room underneath his invisibility cloak laughing perversely? No matter how many excuses they tried to imagine, even if they kinda worked with other people, it would never quite seem possible when that person was Sirius. That's kinda sad.

"So, how _are_ you gonna get girls to run out of the shower room whilst they're still naked?" asked James and Remus, slightly curious and sceptical.

"Well that's simple. With my brilliant, awesome, intelligent, superior mind, I have-"

_"Argh!"_ came a squeal from several girls from the shower room.

James and Remus turned toward the shower room entrance and Sirius started smirking like a madman.

_"Ew! Get them off! Get them off! Ew! Ew! Ew!"_ squealed and shrieked the girls from the shower rooms. It wasn't until a throng of girls stampeded out of the doors (half-undressed or a towel around them, or, as Sirius had hoped, stark naked), did James and Remus realised what they were screaming about.

Out they came, jumping up and down (making Sirius especially happy as their assets jiggled energetically), trying to flick the leeches off with their wands. Other students watched as they fussed about the leeches. When one succeeded in flicking one off their skin, it somehow always ended on someone else, causing even more bedlam.

Soon news spread fast, and more and more students gathered to watch the show (mostly males of course). The girls were still at it, trying to get those horrible leeches off. Some even started stripping any remaining articles of clothing they had left as they too were covered in leeches. A couple of guys started helping them, their motivation questionable. Sirius had really outdone himself.

"I've really outdone myself," said Sirius with a satisfied smirk. He pressed his camera to his eyes ready to take a shot but James _accio_-ed it prevent him from taking photos. Though, James had to admit, it was quite a catch. Greengrass was here, Parkinson, Narcissa Black and a few others. They were all hopping frantically around like chickens with their heads chopped off, squealing and screaming. Then out came someone of three boys had totally forgotten would be here too - Lily. She had succeeded in ridding herself of many, but leeches weren't leeches for nothing. She still had several on her arms, legs and several other parts of her body.

"Shame isn't it Prongs? She's only half undressed. Maybe I should have waited a few more minutes before setting the prank off. Now if you please be so kind as to hand me back my camera, I'll give you a souvenir for free. Just 'cause you're my best mate," Sirius offered.

"Come on Padfoot, we should get outta here before the teachers come after us," urged James, being sure to keep the camera away from Sirius. There was no way he'd risk himself being caught amongst (half) naked girls suspiciously underneath an invisibility cloak when Lily was right there. Not just when she was already avoiding him in the first place for unknown reasons. He didn't want the situation between him and Lily to get worse.

"Aw, c'mon! After all the effort I put into this prank, at least let me take one picture as a memorial!" whined Sirius.

Moony and Prongs simultaneously whacked him on the head.

"Ya bloody pervert," they both said.

"And proud of it!" and with that, Sirius leaped for his camera. James, having good Quidditch reflexes, managed to dodge his sudden attack, something quite difficult to do due to the close proximity from all hiding under a cloak and prevent Sirius from retrieving his camera.

Sirius, however, was not quite so lucky. In his leap for the camera, he accidentally left the cover of the invisibility cloak and dragged it with him. Not only did this expose him to the rest of Hogwarts, but it exposed James and Remus as well. Everyone there now knew that James, Sirius and Moony had been here the entire time underneath what they assumed to be invisibility or disillusionment charms (they didn't know about James' cloak after all), and that everyone, included Lily.

Lily saw James. Lily saw the camera in his hand, but most of all, Lily saw red.

"JAMES HAROLD POTTER! How _dare_ you have the guts to pull a prank as lecherous and disgusting as this and still bring a bloody, sodding camera!" Lily was beyond mad. The embarrassment and recent confusion about her feelings for James needed to be vented - at a time like now - at James.

Lily stalked towards James, her wand brandished like the threatening weapon it was. James recognised that look. It was the look of a really pissed off predator about to kill. Not for the sake of killing, but purely to maim - maim _torturously._

She chased Potter all around Hogwarts - forgetting about her current half-naked, leech-covered state. It would be quite obvious to state what destruction ensued.

James' situation can only be summed up by one word at the moment.

"Fuck!"

* * *

**Ok. I know that was a bit on the short side in comparisson to my usual chapter length, but I was kinda stuck and itching to post after not doing so for so long so I hope you can forgive me. I promise I'll try to update soon, but no guarantees cause I'm still kinda deciding what I should right next and there are quite a few animes and mangas I wanna get through, so...yeah, that's it basically.**

**POLL!**

**I'd also like to start a poll to see what your favourite prank is out of all the ones featured in the story so far. Just genuine curiosity and I would like to know what types of pranks you guys like so I can get the general gist of what to include.**

**The poll is on my profile. Please vote!**

**Personally, I think I'm shit at conveying emotions and stuff through writing. Just cause you can visualise it doesn't you can put it down in words and convey your meaning clearly. It's a lot easier said than done and I admire and respect anyone who is capable of doing so cause I most certainly can't.**


	20. Chapter 20

**Date Posted: 6th January 2011**

**Disclaimer:**

**Hocus Pocus don't loose focus, **_(they don't even use hocus pocus in HP. Not even abracadabra!)_  
**Fairies swear Frond and Malfoys are blond**, _(Artemis Fowl is awesome and Tom Felton is hot!*googly fangirl eyes.)_**  
Birds might sqwark but I like pork. **_(If you ask me, chicken has too much hormone pumped into it to taste good)_**  
Luna's looney but so is Moony. **_(Luna Lovegood fan!)_**  
**

**Lady Gaga's as weird as Unohana's 'beard', **_(You gotta admit, both are very weird. Unohana's from Bleach, an anime, if you didn't know.)_**  
****Don't breathe the fume of a burning broom, **_(That'll be smoke and you'd get emphysema or something.)_**  
This poem's as random as my Harry Potter fandom. **_(I was high on chocolate when I wrote this. =_=")_**  
****That's why I don't own HP cause I'm a 'retardee'. **_(Is that even a word? I dunno. Go ask a nerd. Ha! That rhymed too!XD!)_

Either way, the whole point of that was:

**I do NOT own Harry Potter or any of the songs featured.**

I know that was weird, but I wrote it when I was high on chocolate and wasn't bothered to delete it later. **Blame the Chocolate! **You can review me about how stupid that was and tell me never to do it again if you like. Just as long as I get reviews. :P

* * *

I, James Harold Potter, have had a pretty shitty week. Scrap that. It was worse than shitty. It was fucking crap. Not only had Lily been avoiding me for unknown reasons since the Gryffindor Quidditch game but now she was trying to kill me at every chance too!

Lily had spent much of last night chasing after me. Chase? Not as in, "James-Potter-let-me-vow-my-undying-love-for-you-and-please-marry-me", kind of chase (not that I would mind) but the, "James-Potter-you-stop-right-there-so-I-can-hex-you-to-within-an-inch-of-death-comma-castrate-you-and-stuff-it-down-your-throat-forcefully-so-you-choke-and-die-**exclamation-mark!**, kinda chase. I didn't doubt she'd do it. She wouldn't hesitate, probably cackle madly in mirth the whole time too. Shiver. Honestly, women. I'll never understand them.

"Hey Potter! Nice going!" some random Hufflepuff kid that I'd never even met before congratulated me and patted me on the back before walking off to the Great Hall for breakfasts.

This had been going on a lot, and I haven't even been awake for 20 minutes yet! Since the moment I came down the stairs of the boys dormitory to the Gryffindor Common Room to walking through the corridors to the Great Hall, guys have been congratulating me and acting extra chummy with me. Why? They seem to have it in their heads that _I_ was the one who planned last nights prank!

"Potter! Catch!" I caught the package a passing Raven threw at me. It was an extra large box of sugar quills.

"This is so not fair!" complained Sirius. "It' was _my_ master plan! How could they possibly confuse my amazing prank for yours? It had my signature written all over it!"

"Don't you find it shameful at _all _to title any prank of such a perverted nature a 'signature'"? asked Remus.

"No. Why the hell should I? It's a masterpiece! Now give me my well deserved sugar quills," he said as he snatched them off me. I let him. I'm not a fan of them anyways.

"I'd be more than willing to broadcast it to the whole school that it was your idea and not mine," I said.

"Really?" Padfoot said with stars in his eyes. Yes. He's that desperate to be recognised as a pervert school wide.

I couldn't help but sigh.

"Potter! Take this!"

I turned around, expecting yet another bag of candy to be thrown at me.

Instead, I get a girl kneeing me in the nuts. I crumble painfully to the ground as she stalked away.

"On second thought, you can keep the credit," said Padfoot, wincing at the painful attack. Who knew Monique Greengrass could kick so hard?

"Bloody bastard," cussed James at Sirius, still on the ground twitching from pain. How fickle is he?

"What is an awesome, intelligent, popular, handsome dude like me doing with a bloody bastard like you as a best-friend?" fumed James.

"And you guys think I'm a narcissist. I think you overrate yourself Prongs mate."

Were there to be ice cubes ontop of James' head right now - can't imagine why but hence the "were there to be" - they would melt, evaporate and transform into a very turbulent cyclone/hurricane/typhoon with Zeus like thunderbolts with more charge than Duracell Bunny, that would flash like you would imagine at Count Dracula's lair - not that you would get any cyclone/hurricane/typhoons in England but you never know, this _is _Hogwarts and everybody _is_ blowing their top off about Global Warming.

_Anyways_...you get the main idea - James was pissed off at Sirius.

"Think of it this way," said Remus, trying to lighten the mood, "at least we haven't ran into Lily yet."

James shivered.

He was definitely scarred for life, both physically and mentally - Lily's wide range of nerdy (not in an ugly but in a very beautiful Lily like nerdy manner) hexes and curses could do that to you. Really. Don't get on Lily's bad side, and that includes leading her to think that you are the reason why she ran out of a shower room partially naked with leeches sucking on her before causing her to chase you all around the school subsequently broadcasting her partial nakedness to the whole school. Really. NOT a good idea.

And that's exactly what James did. Though, to be fair, it _was _entirely Sirius' fault.

"JAMES HAROLD POTTER! STOP RIGHT THERE SO I CAN HEX YOU TO WITHIN AN INCH OF DEATH, CASTRATE YOU AND STUFF IT DOWN YOUR THROAT FORCEFULLY SO YOU CHOKE AND DIE!"

"Would it be too cliché to say, 'whoops, spoke too soon'?" asked Remus.

"Would it stop Lily from hexing me to within an inch of death, castrating me and stuffing it down my throat to a very painful and not to mention distasteful death if you did?"

"I don't think so, but you'll never know until you try."

"I think I'd just prefer to bolt to the Great Hall where the teachers can stop her hopefully before the castration process begins."

"Cya mate, and if you do happen to become barren, you can always be the godfather to my children," comforted Padfoot, patting him on the back.

"Thanks mate, and as repayment, I'll make sure they won't end up as perverted and as stupid as you are."

Sirius frowned at this, "Honestly! Corrupting my future children! Depriving them of the beauty of the female body! Blasphemy!"

Remus shot him upside on the head, "What a warped definition of 'corrupting'! In any other context, I would've been so proud to hear him use a beautiful word such as blasphemy. Alas it is not to be...not to be...", said Remus, shaking his head sorrowfully.

James comforted him, patting him encouragingly on the back as Remus wiped a stray tear from his eyes and blew his nose.

A hex from Lily caused James and Remus to break apart, thus forcefully culminating this heartfelt scene.

"Potter! Oh, when I get my hands on you..." spat Lily still only halfway through the corridor. All the males were discreetly delaying her to try and save their hero (James).

"So long fellow Marauders. We've been through thick and thin, custard and slime pools, draws of ladies knickers and my parent's private home video collection - which I would like to remind you to remind me that we shall never do again by the way - and more mischief than any other teenager who has pranked the halls of Hogwarts has ever been through before. And with that, I bid you farewell!"

And, having said that, he bolted to the Great Hall with Lily, and her wand, hot on his heels.

"God, what's he doing at Hogwarts when he should have been enrolled in "Rosie's Random School for Overdramatic Weirdos"?" said Sirius.

"I know. That last speech sounded like something copied straight out of "The Legend of Zoro" or something," said Remus, "No originality. 2.3 out of 10."

"4.5 outta 10 I'd say," scored Sirius.

"Only because the best speech you've ever written in your life could be accomplished if not surpassed by a half asleep three year old."

"I resent that. A three year old can't write."

"You can barely either. Crabbe and Goyle write neater than you!"

"Correction. Only if they copied it from a sheet. They can barely spell anything longer than three letters."

"Touche."

"If I understood German, I would reply to that."

"You don't need to understand German. It's French."

"Oh. Well..._je desire les escargots?"_

"I take it you don't know French either."

"No...What was I actually saying?"

"I want to eat snails."

"I've actually had some before. They were a tad slimy but not bad."

"They're not meant to be slimy if they've been cooked properly."

"...You're supposed to cook them?"

"Oh Merlin."

* * *

"Soooo...Does anybody here want to remind me what we are doing in the broom closet all squished together?" asked Remus uncomfortably, panting slightly.

Remus was currently squashed between the chests' of Sirius and James in the dark, steamy confines of the Hogwarts broom closets. All three of them were hot, panting and slick with sweat.

James shifted his position.

His movement caused them all to squish together closer, nudging some very uncomfortable places as James reached down to his trousers, and pulled out his 11" wand.

And with it, he cast a space enlarging charm.

**(A/N - Lol. I know that was _kinda _a bit wrong but I couldn't help but write it like that for a bit of a laugh. I wonder if there were any slash/yaoi fans reading and misinterpreted the whole thing! *squeal~ I guarantee there will be NO lemons and stuff like that. This is a T rated fic, but being a slash fan I couldn't help but just play around with it a bit. Sorry! I didn't dare imply more than I already wrote XD...**

**I just made up the space enlarging charm thing, but I'm sure they have one since the tents used are all out of proportion and James actually does have an 11" Mahogany wand. Dunno about his other one...My writing and pranks sure are getting wronger. Blame it on watching too much Two and a Half Men and Big Bang Theory.)**

Now that they could freely move around without painfully elbowing each other, they all conjured themselves a glass of cold water and began on cooling and silencing charms.

"Do you reckon Lily's given up on chasing us yet?" asked Padfoot.

"Knowing her, I highly doubt it. She's as stubborn as a mule," said James.

"But she's been chasing us around the whole castle since this morning!" complained Padfoot, "I don't think I can run anymore!"

"You wouldn't know it seeing that all she ever seems to do is read, but Merlin does Lily have heaps of stamina!" said Remus.

"Shame she doesn't put it to better uses," said Sirius with a dreamy look on his face.

Remus and James smacked him upright at the back of his head.

"No naughty thoughts about my girlfriend thank you very much," said James with the faint signs of a blush.

"Correction. The girl who hates your arse more than Dumbledore's old wrinkly one," said Sirius.

Remus and James instantly shot a stunner at him, before attempting to obliviate themselves without much success.

"Oh well, since we're here with nothing to do," started Remus, "I might as well indulge myself with the aesthetic qualities of literature and continue my quest for erudition. So excuse me while I assuage my voracious appetite for knowledge with burbling celerity."

"Wow, I feel like I'm talking to Jane Austen reborn male version," stated James in a mixture of awe and confusion - but mostly confusion.

**(A/N - I have no idea what the hell I just wrote. It probably doesn't even make sense. I need to read the sentence about five times before I get even half an idea of what the hell Jane Austen's even saying and sorry if it doesn't make sense or sound Jane Austen like at all. I've only read 8 chapters of Persuasion for school and it's going in one ear and out the other. Don't you reckon all the classics use a superfluous amount of words when writing?)**

"Care to say that in English?" asked Sirius.

"It means, I'm going to read."

"Oh," said James, "Why didn't you just say so Moony?"

_"If you wanna leave me don't hesitate to leave me just say so~"_ suddenly sang Sirius.  
_(Just Say So - Brian McFadden)_

"Since when did Sirius know muggle hits?" asked Remus, raising an eyebrow as he conjured a nice comfy armchair to sit on.

"He asked me to convert some into magic files for him to use for our next prank," answered James, conjuring another armchair, following Moony's example.

"_Just say so~"_

"Some of us are trying to read here," said Remus whilst dodging a flailing limb of Sirius who was trying to dance to his horribly off tune voice without even looking up from his book, "So just shut up would you?"

"_Shut up and drive, drive, drive~"  
(Shut up and Drive - Rihanna)_

_"_Good God. I hate Rihanna." **(A/N - Yes I don't like Rihanna, if you do that's fine by me. It's just my personal opinion.)**

"_You can stand under my umbrella~ Ella, ella, ay ay ay~"  
(Umbrella - Rihanna)_

"Padfoot. If you don't shut up now, I'll sock you right in the face."

"_Let's get physical, physical. I wanna get physical. Let's get into physical.~"  
(Physical - Olivia Newton John)_

"Listening to him sing that whilst the three of us are in a broom closet is really creeping me out," said Remus.

"Agreed. Sirius, if you don't shut up now, you'll be sorry you ever opened your mouth."

_"It's too late to apologize, it's too late~ __I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late~"  
(Apologize - Timbaland)_

James and Remus could do nothing but twitch.

"_I know it might be wrong~but I'm in love with Stacy's mom~_"  
_(Stacy's Mom - Fountain of Wayne)_

"Thank god we don't have a Stacy at our school or this would be _so_ awkward," said Remus.

"I reckon the only reason that song was so popular was because of the images in the music video," said James. **(A/N - That's what I think anyway. If you haven't seen it, go look it up on Youtube or something. The later half of the video is just ridiculously perverted. So much so, that I feel sorry for the actor of Stacy's mum.)**

_"I'm too sexy for my shirt~ Too sexy for my shirt~ So sexy tha-"  
(I'm too sexy - Right Said Fred)_

"_Silencio"_ both James and Remus cast.

"I can't believe I didn't think of that earlier," said James.

"To be fair, you had Rihanna playing. That certainly can't be too good for your brain."

"True."

"So, do you think it's safe to go out yet?"

"Dunno. Lily can be fairly stubborn; comes with being a red head I suppose." **(A/N - No offense to red heads intended.)**

"Why don't we throw Padfoot out to check for us?"

James looked at Sirius for a minute, contemplating whether he should throw out his best-friend for over 8 years of his entire life straight into the clutches of a mad maniac named Lily Evans. This poor helpless little boy that had been born with an obvious brain defect, tone deafness and narcissism, was currently silenced and sulking in the corner all by himself. The poor thing. Only a cruelly cruel, heartless soul would ever sacrifice someone as pitiful as that.

"Are you kidding me? Hell yeah! Prepare the sacrifice!"

* * *

**So how was this chapter? Good and funny I hope. Sorry for the late update. I was in a holidayish mood cause of Christmas and New Years and everything.**

**I hope you guys all had a very merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year.**

**The current results of the POLL for the funniest prank are:**

Making Malfoy and Snape sing, "Barbie Girl" and the "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows" (Ch8) - 3  
The "We're gay and looking for new partners" announcement prank thing on Sirius and Remus (Ch13) - 3  
The "Dumbledore, Dumbledore, let down your beard!" prank (Ch16) - 3  
The Griffindor Quidditch Chant (Ch17) - 2  
Leeches in the Girls' Lavatory (Ch19) - 2  
Forcing Malfoy and Snape kiss (Ch6) - 2  
Locking James' and Lily's hands together (Ch16) - 1  
Turning people's hair a different colour and forcing them to dance to Michael Jackson and Broadway (Ch16) - 1  
"Sirius, you slept with Snape." (Ch18) Dunno if that counts as a prank, but lets just say it does. - 1  
Making Malfoy wear a dress, Snape a tutu and Geoff a pro-Gryffie shirt and heels (Ch5) - 0  
The Screaming Door (Ch15) - 0  
Turning Geoff Hacksley into an egg shitting chicken birdman (Ch17) - 0

**Each person can vote up to a maximum 5 times.**

**The poll is still open and at the top of my profile  
**

**PLEASE VOTE AND REVIEW!**


	21. Chapter 21

**Date Posted: 26th January 2011**

**AUSTRALIA DAY! GO OZZIE!  
**

**Disclaimer: **

**The day I own Harry Potter is the day that pigs fly.**

_***Wingadium Leviosa**_

**That's not flying; that's levitating!**

**_Would you like me to magically give it wings through transfiguration instead? I could if you want._**

**Fine. The day I own Harry Potter is the day that pigs fly other than in fanfiction. Geeeeezzz.**

**_How about the flying pigs in Spy Kids Isle of Dreams (2)?_**

**Oh for f's sake, I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER! There! Ya happy now!**

**_Nope. _Technically_, if you put pigs in airplanes they are fl-_**

***Throws really, really, really pointy stilettos at annoying alter ego, somehow stabbing them in the eye even though they _technically_ don't have one seeing as their not real cause they're just a figment of my imagination.**

**_What about dead pigs? Angels have wi-_**

**How the hell are you still arguing with me? You've got a shoe in your eye!**

**_Well, I only need a brain and mouth to argue. I have no need for an eye._**

**I give up._ *_waves white flag in defeat_  
_**

**I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER! IT BELONGS TO WHOEVER THE HELL OWNS IT - probably JK Rowling or something.

* * *

**

Lily was quite pissed off as she stalked the corridors of Hogwarts, eyes peeled and scanning every nook and cranny, high and low for signs of Potter and his merry band of bloody idiots all day without much success. She had spent much of the day chasing Potter and his gang of delinquent hooligans around Hogwarts hoping to kill him or _at least_ castrate him so he could suffer for the rest of his life. Alas sadly, she had so far been unsuccessful. Potter and co were, as Lily would sadly admit, quite good at defense and hiding. No matter. She would get to them soon. After all, as the saying goes, the harder job, the sweeter the reward - and Potter's screams would be very, very sweet.

Meanwhile, Euphemia and Alice were looking at their friend with worry and a tinge of fear as she feverishly scaled through Hogwarts on one of her crazed hunt for the boys. It was hard to believe this was their once sweet Lily with her eyes looking the way they currently did - sharp, aquiline and twinking with a dash of quintessential evil and mad insanity. They couldn't help but suppress the shiver running up their spines as a crazy smirk crept on her face, amplifying the creepiness of her expression tenfold as she unintentionally caused her wand to shoot sparks. There was no doubt about it; the Marauders were doomed. It was inevitable.

_"Us innocents might as well save ourselves whilst we can__,_" thought Mia and Alice, as their sense of self-preservation kicked in and together, they quietly sneaked off to somewhere hopefully safe and away from Lily's mad rampage, leaving the boys to face Lily themselves.

* * *

Snape was scowling. Not that he wasn't usually scowling, just that he was currently scowling. So yes, Snape was scowling. Why was he scowling you ask? For the reason that he usually scowls of course. One word. Here's a hint; it starts with the letter 'p' and ends in 'otter'. Yes that's right, Potter (not a bad idea to transfigure Potter into an otter one day. Maybe a pink one just to humiliate him further and represent the 'p'. Yes, not to self: in future, transfigure pathetic Potter into a pathetic, pink otter.

Potter was the bane of his existance; the root of all evil; the most arrogant, pompous, insolent brat ever to have lived in all of Hogwarts if not Wizarding Britain or the World - in Snape's opinion of course (many females, and some males and most people in general would disagree of course), but yes, Potter was the reason for his deep-set scowl.

Snape simply couldn't stand Potter. He continuously pranked, scorned and mocked him. Potter humiliated him, and Snape simply despised him for it. But above all, he hated Potter's relationship with _his _Lily. Since that first day on the Hogwarts Express, Potter has been out to steal Lily from him, trying to trick her into believing he was a good person and a suitable boyfriend. Thankfully, Lily was smarter than Potter took her for and saw right through his pitiful mask of goodwill. But Potter did not relent like Severus thought he would. Even after five long years, to Severus' bitter annoyance, Potter was still persuing Lily.

For the first five years and the begining of sixth year, things were alright - Lily practically hated James and much as he did, which, to say 'a lot' would be like saying Minister Fudge was a 'little' chubby or that Umbridge was a 'little' pink. However, ever since Potter saved Lily from that Death Eater attack on Hogsmeade, the two have gotten closer. Not dangerously close, as Lily was still uncomfortable with him, but close enough to set Severus on edge.

Luckily for him though, for the past few days Lily had been acting strangely around Potter before outright returning to her previous raging hatred of him due to last night's incident.

Severus blushed indecently at the memory of the half dressed state of Lily from his mind, his young teenage mind and hormones exaggerating it into something he'd rather not tell (but as a hint, it involved red and black lace, ribbons, a jacuzzi and a vial of Invigoration Potion).

Snape quickly swiped the erotic fantasy from his mind - thank god he was wearing robes. Either way, although he doubted they would get close again anytime soon, especially judging by this morning's impressive display of hexes and spine-chilling threats, courtesy of Lily. He needed to make sure they would not only _stay_, but _keep _apart.

It was time for Severus to utilise his Slytherin traits and prove his worth as one. Yes, a little nudging here and there, and Lily wouldn't be able to even look at Potter with anything other than disguist and repugnance ever again.

* * *

**Sirius POV**

I gingerly traversed the halls, flinching at even the slightest of sounds. I was well aware how angry Lily was with us, and one of the few things I'd learnt from my five years and few months at Hogwarts was that an angry Lily was worse than ten million ex-girlfriends out for your blood at the same time together, to put it lightly - though, if all my ex-girlfriends were to have a catfight over me in a pool, per say, that's not a bad though...

but Lily? Siriusly, that red head has a nasty temper . Why in the world James would want to date her is beyond my comprehension.

If I had to evaluate Lily, I would agree that Lily was fairly pretty. Her face had soft features with a delicate, straight nose, plump lips and clear, fair skin. Her eyes and hair however, were by far her most distinctive points. You could recognise them from a mile away - figuratively speaking anyway. Those brilliant emerald jewels, framed with long, thick lashes probably made them the most attractive pairs of eyes ever - regardless of how weird that sounds. Coupled with her petite frame, witty brain, kindness (to most people anyway - obviously the Marauders, except perhaps Moony, were excluded) and magical prowress, she actually wasn't that bad.

Her temper however, was a whole other aspect. It didn't matter how pretty she was, she could be as well endowed as Monique Greengrass and I would never consider dating her. Her temper was just too explosive, worse than a bloody volcano, to consider dating. Actually, she would considerably resemble a volcao if we painted her dirt and rock colour with a few minor glamours here and there. Note to self: If you ever survive, prank Lily by making her look like a volcano with charms to make it erupt every time she's angry.)

"I found you Black!"

It is at a time like this, I was glad he had a mouth.

A mouth was good for a lot of things. For instance, if I didn't have a mouth, I wouldn't be able to eat food like sugar, cauldron cakes, chocolate eclairs and pancakes. If I didn't have a mouth I also wouldn't be able to hex Snape, and Merlin knows how on Earth I'm going to continue living if I couldn't do that. Even worse, I wouldn't be able to flirt or snog girls! The _horror _of it! Now he _really _couldn't continue living if he was unable to do that. So yes, I'm very, _very _glad I have a mouth.

However, for this situation, it is not for eating I need my mouth, nor was it for casting spells to hex Snape with, and nor was it for snogging, as important as that is, but no. In a situation like this, a mouth was good for one thing, and one thing only.

"Shit."

Ah, if there wasn't a bloke in the world that didn't like or have a need for the occasional swear.

"If you know what's good for you Black, you will stay there and let me castrate, torture you, extract information on the whereabouts of Potter before killing you slowly in the most barbaric way possible," threatened Lily, in the sharpest, coldest, most evil voice capable of being produced by the human voicebox possible.

"And that's supposed to make me want to stay here and wait for you, how?" Seems like mouths were also good for talking too. Yes, how silly of me, forgetting about talking of all things. Then again, when I talk, most of the time it's flirting anyway, so I suppose it doesn't make much of a difference.

"It will when you listen to what I'm going to do to you when _don't _stay there and tell me the location of Potter. Here's a hint. It will include, frogs, needles, metal tongs, penuts, hot coal and a hippogriff."

I started sweating.

Normally, I would shrug that threat off seeing as I could not imagine anything worse than castration, torture and interrogation - probably involving more torture - into ratting the position of your friends out before being killed slowly in the most barbaric way possible. However, this was Lily we're talking about. I had no idea how she was gonna use those things to torture us or that they could even be used for torture in the first place at all. All I knew was that I didn't want to find out. I wouldn't bet my chocolate cards on her being unable to come up with something worse than that. Yet another reason to note on why I would never date Lily.

Prongs, you can so have her. I've been traumatised for _life_.

"I'd love to stay around, but sorry, gotta go," I quickly bid. I didn't even want to say see ya later seeing as that was the absolute last thing I wanted to do right now.

I turned and ran for my life, which by the way, was not an exaggeration. If anything, it was an understatement.

Lily reacted instantly and shot a nasty snot green hex at me. Ewww-

"_Protego!_" Ah, yet another reason to love my mouth. I kept running and transfigured a few obstacles here and there to buy me possibly a minute or two at best. I turned into another corner before crashing into the last two people I wanted to see in the world (other than Lily).

"Mia! Alice! What are you two doing here?" I asked shocked, it was not like them to not be in their common room at this time. It was late and close to curfew already. Damn, I'd missed dinner trying to avoid her. I guess I'd just have to sneak into the kitchens later. James and Remus would have yet to eat too. I should invite them along. I'm such a forgiving person to invite them along even after all they've done to me such as using me as a sacrifice for _Lily_ of all people.

**(A/N - Note that that is entirely untrue and he's only inviting them along so he can use the invisibility cloak which is currently in James' possession.)**

"Forget about it. Just _please_ don't hand me over to Lily. _Please_! She'll _kill_ me!" I didn't beg them; it wasn't begging, just desperate sounding asking with praying gestures in a life or death situation and my manhood most likely on the line. Not begging at all - Blacks never beg.

Merlin that sounded so Malfoy.

"Why should we help you?" asked Euphie with a smug smirk, "Lily's our best-friend. What are you to us?" she said as her smirk ever grew.

I twitched. How dare she treat me like that after all we've been through?

"_Reducto!_" shouted Lily, as she blew a couple of the obstacles I'd place up.

"_Reducto!"_

I was starting to get a bit desperate.

"Aw c'mon! Please? I'm practically begging here!" I looked at the two of the desperately.

"And what would we get out of it?" asked Alice, calculatively. Should've known; always the quiet ones...always the quiet ones.

I racked my brain for an answer. There had to be one. I was such an awesome dude after all.

"You would never get to oggle at me again if I died!"

Alice looked at me blandly.

"I see you're as full of yourself as always Black. We'll be glad to get you out of our hair," said Alice. Why she had a sweet smile pasted upon her face I don't, and don't think I ever will understand, but somehow, that looked eviler than any other expression I've ever seen before in my life, scarier than Lily's, and that's really saying something.

"Nice knowing you're going to die a painful death at the hands of Lily, Black," she continued.

"How could you say that? Aren't you supposed to say something nice in a situation like this such as, "Nice knowing you, Black!" or, "Run for it! I'll hold her off my love!" or like, "Quickly, hide I'll hide you under my robes. Now no doing anything naughty in there *wink wink," I said.

"Black," she spat murderously, "If Lily wasn't about to kill you herself in about 30 seconds, I would so sick Frank on you."

Well, that seemed to have back fired. Back to not begging I suppose.

I quickly tried to come up with another reason but still came up blank. This was getting more urgent. By the sound of it, Lily would quickly be cleared of the obstacles I sent her way.

"Oh for Merlin's sake! Can't you just help me? She'll kill me! _Castrate _me! My manhood, pride, the thing that classifies me as a man, gone! I won't be able to sleep with women anymore! Could you really sentence your fellow classmate to a fate like this? A fate worse than death or any other torture ever conjured by the most sadistic minds of mankind?"

"Yes," Alice said blandly, "it's not as if I'm sleeping with yo-"

"Deal," said Mia, shocking the two of us.

"Are you serious Mia? How are we gonna stop Lily in the middle of her rampage. You and I both know nothing short of all the books and apple juice suddenly disappearing in the world could shock her enough to snap her out of her frenzy," said Alice.

"Luckily, I have just the thing to shock Lily enough to snap her out of her frenzy?"

"Well, whatever it is, you better do it quickly cause Lily is fast approaching!" I quickly added.

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK! I was kind, generous and lenient. I gave you the choice of being a good boy and choosing a less painful death, but you have not only rejected it but set the corridor up with dummies to shoot spells to make me wear ridiculous outfits? Well you Black," she spat, "have signed up for a fate worse than death and castration!"

If it weren't for my reputation to uphold, I may have very well nearly wet my pants.

By ridiculous outfits, Lily was refering to the gorgeous metallicish dark purple cocktail dress and stylish black heels she was wearing. Only Lily would be complaining and call that hot outfit she was wearing "ridiculous".

"Nice choice. You have good taste, Black," complimented Mia.

"Eh...not that I don't like being complimented on my genius, cause believe me I do, I just believe there is a time and place for everything, and Lily stalking towards me with a murderous look on her face and her wand shooting sparks is _definitely_ not what I call the right time and place," I turned my head towards her, "So do you or do you no- mmphh!"

* * *

**Yay! I finally finished. I've been so lazy hehehehe.**

**I hope you liked the chapter and the fic so far. I'm not exactly a brilliant writer or anything for the matter of fact. My friends prefer to call me insane, but hey, if I wasn't insane, this fic would have never been posted, so I hope you enjoyed it.**

**Once again I hope to post ASAP, but school starts next week (that sucks right? :'( and my ever lazy lazy streak is ever so lazy, so I dunno when exactly "ASAP" is.**

**Eitherway, I hope this fic wasn't a disappointment.

* * *

**

**EXTRA/OMAKE**

Sirius had been dead for a few weeks after an incident in the Department of Mystery. Who knew this was what was beyond the veil? People imagine the afterlife as heaven with fluffy white clouds and floating angels dressed in blindingly white robes with a magical halo and wings.

Not this heaven.

Nope. There were no fluffy white clouds, no giant gold gates and most importantly, no hot chicks wearing loose white robes (If only this was a Pure Blonde beer ad - if you don't know, go on Youtube and watch one, you'll get what I mean). What was in this heaven you ask? Why, stacks and stacks of registration papers and documents in this plain white room for him to sign! Mountains of them! If he had known heaven was this boring to get into, he would've stowed away on that dementor-like creep's one way boat on Styx.

"Mr Black, I've come to collect your registration papers as a citizen of Heaven and to remind you that your citizenship test on, _68922.1803 Laws Involved in Being Dead,_ is in ten minutes." informed Marcus, an official in the Department of Death and Deceaseds' Rights.

"Why am I still here?" Sirius cried, trying to slam his head on the table only suceeding in scattering the heap of documents on his desk, "Great. Just great! Now, not only do I have to read and sign all of these, but I have to reorganise them too!"

Sirius was not a happy chap.

"Well, technically you're not here. You're dead. You're just a spectre produced through the excessive inhalation of Veil particles at the time of death - in limbo, so to speak," Marcus explained.

"But I should be in heaven swimming in a pool of firewhiskey, playing Quidditch or snogging hot chicks! Not drowning in an ocean of forms and legal papers!" Sirius fervently complained.

"Well, technically you can't drown. You're dead. Your "body" doesn't need any form of sustenance to keep it alive…err dead."

"WOULD YOU QUIT REMINDING ME OF THE FACT THAT I'M DEAD?" he shouted at the top of his _ghostly_ lungs.

Sirius was sick of it. Sick of filling in forms. Sick of memorising laws. Sick of counselling with a metsofysikal saikaiatris that needs a new title that's easier to spell. Yes, that's right. Sirius Orion Black was sick of being dead. How many people can honestly say that they would enjoy completing a form entitled, _1001 Ways to Forget that You're Dead and I'm Not_. If he ever finds out who made these blasted forms he would personally kill them and make them go through their own torture. Sirius would be laughing if it wasn't for the fact that he was dead.

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed that little skit.**

**Please REVIEW and VOTE IN THE POLL!**

**We had the Sydney Festival just a few days ago. For anyone who wants to watch the video the link is:**

.com/watch?v=_9t8zmv6AJc  
**to youtube of course.**

**It's of Tchaikovsky 1812, with a choir, canons and fireworks. It's pretty cool.**

**Please watch it if you have time!**

**How to Convince Your Parents to Let You Swear  
**

**There was actually a study done on the effects of swearing. I think it was Brainiac or something. But what they did, was they got a bunch of random males and females and told them to pick a random word like, table, wood and book and use in place as of a swear word. **

**What happend was they made them put their hand in a bowl of ice water and use that word, ie table, wood and book or something, and swear with it and see how long they could keep their hand in the bowl.**

**Then they did a second test and allowed to use words like fuck, shit, damn and stuff, and they lasted longer in the bowl of cold water. **

**So next time your parents are berating you for swearing, tell them how useful it is and it's effect is backed up with scientific study.**


	22. Chapter 22

**Posted: 1st May 2011**

Recap: (thought I should do one since it's been a while since the last update)

After the Marauders (really just Sirius') prank to plant leeches in the Girl's Lavatory, all the girls, especially Lily, has been out for their blood. So now, whilst Sirius is sulking because everyone thinks his prank was James' idea, James is sulking cause Lily thinks it was his idea. After hiding in the broomcloset to get away from Lily (who is out viciously trying hunting them down) James and Remus decide to be mean to Sirius and kick him out as a sacrifice. Poor Sirius (not really, cause it was his own damned fault and he had it coming for him) runs into Lily. Luckily however, he manages to escape and run into Euphie and Alice before Lily manages to skin him alive.

**Disclaimer:**

**By the time you finish reading this disclaimer you will realise that you are unnecessarily reading this unnecessary disclaimer because you obviously know without me having to tell you through this unnecessary disclaimer that I do not own Harry Potter and that it belongs to JK Rowling or whoever. So now that you have finished reading the most important part of this unnecessary disclaimer I shall now unnecessarily rant longer about unnecessary things to make this unnecessarily longer. I will also tell you that I have used the word 'unnecessary' or derivatives of the word 'unnecessary' in a totally unnecessary manner and will continue to do so unnecessarily to entertain myself. I will also now inform you ****that you ****will read the word 'unnecessary' or derivatives of the word 'unnecessary' in its unnecessary manner ****19**** times in these ****989 ****characters ****or**** 199**** words of this unnecessarily long unnecessary disclaimer. I hope it will not be necessary to tell you again for the remainder of this chapter that I do not own Harry Potter of which it is unnecessary to tell you because you should all know already - otherwise this wouldn't be an unnecessary disclaimer now would it?**

* * *

"Hey, Prongs," said Moony looking up from his book, "do you think that maybe we were a little too harsh on Padfoot there?"

James looked up from the boring plain splotches of dirt that had accumulated on the walls over the many years of Hogwarts with a skeptical eyebrow.

"No. Why I think that?" he asked Moony, before returning to the patch on the wall, casually thinking it looked like, or at least vaguely resembed Hello Kitty for some strange reason.

"Well, sure he can downright be a bastard and bloody annoying at times, but don't you think sending him to Lily is just _tad_ over the top? We might as well chop his head off and hand it to her on a silver platter, that way at least he dies with relatively little pain," reasoned Moony, "I mean, for all we know, she really will kill him. Accidentally or not."

"So? That's why he's a sacrifice isn't he?" he answered, tilting his head a little more to the left. Now that he thought about it, from upright it looked like Hello Kitty, but maybe if you looked at it sideways it could be like, some random fish with a retarded tail.

"Besides," he continued, "I'm sure Lily won't _really_ kill him. She's too much of a sucker for rules to do that." Or was it a vase? Man, these splotches sure were abstract.

Remus twitched, for the past 30 minutes that they'd been in the broom closet, all James had been doing was twisting his head at odd, serpentine angles, squinting his eyes, or adjusting the angle of his glasses, trying to interpret the random patches of dirt marking the wall. It's dirt, not artwork! You're not meant to interpret them!

He watched as James took his wand out and began playing "connect the dots" with a nifty _flagrate_, squinting his eyes as he did so as if trying to see the "big picture".

He had ended up drawing a picture that vaguely resembled treacle tarts despite his lack of artistic talent.

Just as he was about to tilt is head the other way, Remus snapped.

"For Merlin's sake James, stop that before I wring your head off!"

Remus' sudden outburst cause James' wand to fly off course, clawing a huge gash straight across it's surface. "Hey! Now it kinda looks like Pikachu! Whoops, erm, sorry Remus. It's just really boring in here. Why don't we just return to the dorms? It's nearly curfew anyways. There's no way Lily would risk staying up after curfew just to catch us. C'mon, what do you say?" childishly pleaded James.

Looking at Pikachu reminded him that Pokemon Black and White came out ages ago. God, he couldn't wait till the holidays began; then he could finally use a piece of technology that wasn't at least two centuries old!

Remus sighed and reluctantly put down his book and started vanishing all conjured objects and undoing the space enlargment charm with his wand. And he was just getting to the good part too.

"Fine. C'mon, let's go," Remus said sourly. He wasn't in a particularly good mood. Who would be after running away from Lily all day with her trying to skin you alive? Some girl had even poured some scalding hot tea on him and the stain had yet to come out even with the power of magic. And just when he finds this calm, quiet, girls-about-to-eat-you-alive-free place, James was begging him to leave. Sure he could've said no, but this was James - James always gets what he wants one way or another.

"_Homenum Revelio," _cast Remus. You could never be too vigilant when it came to Lily. God knows that girl will be the death of him one day.

The two of them gingerly crept their way through the halls, careful to avoid teachers and Lily.

"God, I can't wait until the holidays when I won't have Lily out to skin me alive all day," said James.

"Don't we all?" Remus rolled his eyes, he was still a bit annoyed at having to cut his reading time short, "Your mother invited me other for the holidays by the way."

"You spoke to my mother recently?" spoke James, completely shocked. It was quite unusual for his friends to speak to his parents when they were at school. The only times they ever interracted was on the platform or when they went over to each other's houses during the holidays.

"Yeah, I was gonna ask your mother for some of those Lyrical Lilies you got Lily last Hogsmeade trip. I just happened to mention knowing about you and Jasper and she just invited me to your house."

"My house? You mean manor house, mansion house, villa house or cottage house, house house or what?" asked James, really confused.

"Your house in Surrey of course you idiot," snapped Remus, his eyes twitching. _"Damn you purebloods and your multiple estates!"_ he thought.

"OH! My house house!"

_"You really should come up with a better naming system for your houses..."_ thought Remus, slightly perturbed by James "effective" naming system...

James creased his eyebrows slightly. Sure Remus was his best friend and knew of his identity as Jasper, but this was still the first time anyone from the wizarding world other than his family and himself had ever stepped foot into, what he called, his house house - well Lily too of course, plenty of times in fact, but she was under the impression that it was Jasper's house that he was stepping into, not James' house house.

Usually when friends came over during the holidays or other members of the wizarding society, they flooed over to their manor house (Potter Manor) and pretened that they were living there long term instead. No one suspected a thing of course - ah, the wonders of instantaneous travel.

"So do you reckon I should invite Padfoot and Wormtail over too? I mean, if you know, it would be mean to leave Padfoot and Wormtail out too..." asked James, the two were his bestfriends too after all, it wouldn't do to just leave them out of it whilst Remus knew.

"Well, I think Peter is going over to Bulgaria for the holidays with his parents, so I don't think he'll be able to come, but I'm sure you can invite Padfoot over, he'd want to be out of his house in the first place anyway."

Despite the years, Padfoot's relationship with his parents wasstill as worse as ever, if anything, itworsened. Padfoot had expressed his desire to runaway from home to James a few times, but James would always talk him out of it. After all, they were still his parents, and despite how much Padfoot expressed his hatred for them, James could still tell he deeply cared for them, especially his younger brother, Regulus - he wasn't his bestfriend for nothing.

"Yeah," James agreed, "but Sirius isn't exactly the best at keeping secrets. Can you imagine what would happen to me if Lily found out about this? Merlin, I can hear Lily yelling at the top of her lungs right now, lik-

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK!" The rather loud cry of distracted them from all current thoughts.

"I think we've found Sirius," said Remus.

"And I think we've found Lily," sighed James. God, he couldn't wait to be Jasper again.

They both quickly ran towards the sounds of the (rather one sided) argument, hopefully in time to save their friend before he was as fried as Dumbledore's pet chicken.

* * *

**Euphemia POV**

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK! I was kind, generous and lenient. I gave you the choice of being a good boy and choosing a less painful death, but you have not only rejected it but set the corridor up with dummies to shoot spells to make me wear ridiculous outfits? Well you Black," she spat, "have signed up for a fate worse than death and castration!"

Oh boy, Black sure is in for it now. Though, that gorgerous dress she was wearing sure did make my eyebrows shoot up. Lily was never one for ridiculously feminine clothing despite all the combined efforts of Ali and I, after all, studies were by far most important to her than books or anything else in the world - well...except maybe apple juice. Merlin knows that girl and her apple juice. But that metallicish dark purple cocktail dress and heels really did go with her fair skin and red hair.

"Nice choice. You have good taste, Black," I complimented. Men with a good taste in fashion were rare things these days.

"Eh...not that I don't like being complimented on my genius, cause believe me I do, I just believe there is a time and place for everything, and Lily stalking towards me with a murderous look on her face and her wand shooting sparks is _definitely_ not what I call the right time and place," he turned his head towards me, "So do you or do you no- mmphh!"

* * *

James and Remus ran towards where we heard the sound, turning the corner to see -

_Euphie _kissing _Sirius_.

"Oh my god," Remus said, "Euphie is kissing Sirius!"

"Oh my god," James said, "Lily's hot!"

Everyone seemed to snap outta there daze the moment James said that, his eyes glued to Lily in shock.

"Merlin, James!" Remus said, "Euphie is _kissing_ Sirius and all you care about is how hot Lily looks in a cocktail dress?"

"Well, excuse me if I'm straight, deeply in love with Lily and a teenage guy with hormones! It's not everyday Li-WHAT? EUPHIE AND SIRIUS?," he exclaimed, thrusting his head towards the direction of the kissing couple just as they split apart.

"Oh my god!" James said, "Euphie is kissing Sirius!"

"Yeah, tell us something we didn't already know you half-wit!" said Alice, "they were kissing ages ago!"

"And she tastes like chocolate too!" added Sirius.

"We, seriously didn't need to know that Black," said Lily, glaring holes at the back of his head. She was still too shocked by the revelations to do anything quite violent as of yet. She most likely didn't even hear James calling her hot as James was still alive, intact and with one piece, eyeballs, still lodged in their correct place in his skull (a good thing for James and his general health).

"Fine! Just go announcing to the whole world that my mouth tastes chocolate like would you?" glared Euphie, bonking him upside in the head.

"Well, I kinda tasted strawberries too, so I'd assume you had the strawberry and chocolate tarts for dessert at dinner."

Euphie twitched, annoyed.

"Oh yeah, meat-pie breath, well your mouth tastes like cauldron cakes!"

"Why are you calling him meat-pie breath if his mouth tastes like cauldron cakes?" asked Alice.

"Who knows, the glutton must have eaten both," replied Mia.

"Hey! I'm sooooo not a glutton. It's perfectly normal to eat a meal and then dessert after! You ate the meat pies too!"

"Shuddup Black! And for your information, I had roast beef, not meat pies. Not only did you eat meat pies you had a treacle tarts too didn't you?"

"Aren't you just so glad that Sirius ate that squirrel in the Forbidden Forest last week and not today?" James whispered over to Remus, "We really need to figure out a way to control what he eats when he's Padfoot."

"Really? A squirrel? I thought it was a Knarl?" said Remus.

"Nah, it looked nothing like a hedgehog! Besides, Knarls are highly suspicious creatures cautious about everything; there's no way Padfoot would be smart enough to catch anything like a Knarl!"

"Good point."

"Hey, we can just like, kiss each other all day and guess what we ate for dinner! I dunno why I never tried that with the other girls before!" said Sirius estatically as if he had just figured out a solution eliminate pollution world wide, or theorised a groundbreaking discovery in atomic science.

Sirius grabbed Euhpie and kissed her again.

"Hah! You had vanilla custard and apple pies too didn't you!" smirked Sirius smugly.

"So? You had firewhiskey!" Mia retorted, "Which might I remind you is strictly prohibited in Hogwarts and I could sooooo get you into trouble for that!"

The two continued to argue over what they had for dinner, occasionally kissing for new leads in their much less than delicate detective work.

Everyone just stood there, staring at them in shock.

"Oh my god! You're like, kissing your cousin! That's incest!" James suddenly screamed.

"Well, technically James," Remus began, "cousins are in actual fact permitted to have romantic relationships. Only fathers, mothers, brothers or sisters are frowned upon - both muggle and wizarding."

"I can't believe Black and Euphie just _kissed!_ Twice at that," said Lily, shaking her head in disbelief, still startled at the scene before her. Lily, being raised muggle, was still unused to the fact that purebloods quite often married close relatives to maintain the purity of the bloodline.

"Personally, I'm more shocked at the fact they're kissing each other to taste each other's dinner," spoke Alice.

The others all nodded vigorously in agreement.

"The next thing you know-"

The sound of rushing footsteps drew all of their attention, even Sirius and Euphies (who were once again, trying to figure what each other had for dinner through mouth contact).

"Damn," cursed James, ignoring Lily's glare at her for his coarse language, "the professors. We must have made too much noise."

"No shit sherlock," said Lily. Oh the hypocracy.

"C'mon, let's out of here," urged Alice.

The group quickly fled, the Marauders leading the way - they were after all, being the number troublemakers of Hogwarts that they were, much more proficient than the girls in terms of sneaking their way around the castle.

* * *

**Oh guys, I'm so sorry for not updating in ages! My parents and I got into a disagreement over the way I spend my time - they disagreed with me going online all day and "wasting time" writing fanfiction, so I haven't been able to make progress with it. I had already written half of it, but was unable to finish the chapter, but then I read a review by laccio. da .scarpa and thought, oh, who gives a damn about my parents. And so, here you have it, chapter 22. **

**Thank you so much for the review laccio. da .scarpa , otherwise I wouldn't have had the motivation to finish this chapter! tys!XD**

**I hope no one's given up on this fic yet DX, I didn't mean to put off updates for so long :(**

**either way, thank you for sticking to this fic despite not updating for over three months and I hope for your continued support!**

**Thank you!:)**

**Pls R&R!XD**

**POLL!**

**The poll for the funniest/best prank of this fic is still up on my profile. Pls vote if you haven't already!  
**


	23. Chapter 23

**Date Posted: 4th May, 2011**

**Disclaimer: I swear I had a really cool and funny disclaimer, but I totally forgot what it was! . Sorry...**

**I do not own Harry Potter!**

* * *

It was soon to be Christmas holidays. The time of joy and laughter, soft and powdery snow dusting every rooftop in sight and caking the school grounds in its vast abundance. It was the time when all the children celebrated their break from schooling at Hogwarts whilst all the teachers, likewise, celebrated their break from their nightmare of students, or more specifically the Marauders – and such a break couldn't have come soon enough.

James, Sirius, Remus and Peter were currently finding themselves in a very sticky situation – quite literally. Deciding that Christmas couldn't get any sweeter than painting the interior of the Great Hall in all its entirety with Honeyduke's Deluxe Special Edition of Super Sticky Toffee, they got stuck by the soles of their feet along with other fellow Hogwartians and staff members; some of them, somehow, were even on the ceiling!

"Man Padfoot, this is the greatest Hogwarts prank ever!" exclaimed James, as he voraciously ate away the sweet, sticky mess coating the dining bench.

"You're telling me? I can't believe we didn't do this sooner!" said Sirius, as he proceeded to chew at an alarming pace at the toffee like a hardcore drug addict, occasionally getting his teeth stuck in the viscocity and stickiness of sugar.

"Toffee? Why toffee! Why couldn't we get chocolate instead?" half pouted half complained Remus, lacking the usual composure so typical of his character.

Remus, being a fan of chocolate, decided that the idea of coating the hall with toffee was the most offensive thing to all the chocolate addicts in the world since the invention of chocolate! (something which he could happily -read obsessively- inform you was first drank by the Mayans.) **(A/N - I didn't know this, but when I was researching chocolate, if found out that it was apparently used as an aphrodisiac in the 1570s O.O I wonder why Remus eats so much...)**

"We told you. We'll get chocolate for Valentine's Day or something. We'll even fill the lake with chocolate milk if you want, but toffee comes first," said James. He quickly finished the section of the table and proceded working on another.

"I already told you; you'll kill the Giant Squid!" said Remus, "Squids aren't meant to live in chocolate milk. How the hell are you going to drain the whole lake and replace it with chocolate milk anyways? The merpeople'll kill you!" How the hell did his friends survive the past 16 years of their lives without even having the most basic of common sense?

"Now, now Remus, I'm sure the merpeople will be forever grateful that we've introduced something to drink other than water into their lives. Water can taste very plain and boring after a couple million years or so of it," explained James. Man this toffee was good; worth every bit of his savings.

"Are you serious?" screamed Sirius, "Merpeople have never tried chocolate milk! Woah, we really gotta get some of that stuff pumped down there!" He was jumping up and down like a three year old's first time at the circus. Great. Sirius high on sugar. Just what we need.

Where the hell did Sirius think the merpeople would find cocoa beans and cows?

"You know," started Remus, "for guy named after one of the brightest stars in the sky, you sure are a dimwit."

"Really? Sirius is one of the brightest stars?" asked Sirius, "Wicked! I never knew that!" really happy that he now had at least _some_ basis to claim his so-called "intelligence" upon.

"How could you not know that?" said Remus, "That was like, the first question of last week's astronomy quiz! That was the _only_ question you got right!"

"Huh? Oh! That thing!" exclaimed Sirius in epiphany, "That was a question? I thought that was the line we were supposed to write our name on! Oh, what luck!" said Sirius, slicking back his hair as if to express an image of "awesomeness".

Remus would have face-palmed himself in the forehead if it weren't for the fact that both of his hands were superglued to the bench by the toffee – could Sirius seriously get any dumber?

* * *

For most of the part, Euphie and Alice didn't really seem to mind, after all, they too had a massive sweet tooth comparable to the size of Remus'.

Lily, on the otherhand, as I'm sure you've all guessed, was not quite so keen towards the idea of swimming in toffee.

Lily was screaming; screaming for murder - screaming for the murder for the Marauders to be exact. She glared at the abominable sludge of gooey toffee with as much hatred as Voldemort would have for a cute little puppy.

"When I get my hands on those boys they're going to be deader than the Peverells!" growled Lily, her anger fueling the flaring fire spells she was shooting at the sticky toffee, the only thing that the toffee seemed prone to.

She struggled through the sticky molasses, having to play tug-of-war with the ground over the possession of her feet every few steps and unstick any lose strands of hair that fell prey to stray blotches of goo. She persevered and painstakingly traversed the swamp of sugar towards the Marauders with intentions far from noble. She watched as the Marauders, and practically everyone else in the hall, even the teachers (and most creepily Dumbledore. Merlin that man and his sweets!) happily submited to their sweet tooth and feasted on the sea of sugar around them. All in all, to her, life was a nigthmare.

How could they? What was wrong with them? It was a school day for heavens sake! The last working school day before the holidays finally hit! How could they be so happy at being deprived of their last chance to study and attend classes for the final time of the year? Even more infuriatingly, how could they be so happy to miss _classes_ over _toffee? _Lily, for all her superior wit and intelligence, simply could not comprehend such a preference. But most importantly, she most _certainly_ did NOT accept it.

"Oh, Lily!" exclaimed Remus, the moment he saw Lily, "Explain to these hopeless idiots why covering the entire Great Hall with toffee is absolutely stupid!"

Lily's eyes lit up at the prospect of tortur-cough ahem, _teaching_ the rest of the Marauder's a "lesson".

"They should have used chocolate instead!" Remus argued.

Lily face-faulted at the statement - maybe Remus really was a Marauder deep, deep down afterall. Sigh. Remus and his chocolate addiction.

"Lily darling!" called James, "Would you like some?" he offered.

Lily looked at James in disgust. James mistook this as jealousy (how, I have no idea).

"Oh, but don't worry my Lilyflower, I love you much more than toffee. You're much, much sweeter!"

James suddenly found his trousers on fire. To put it out, Sirius decided the best course of action was to sodden him with an _Aguamenti_, subsequently creating some lovely eye-candy for the surrounding Hogwartians. Ah, could this day just get any sweeter?

Lily herself, was sporting a mild blush, but only very briefly. What? At the end of the day, she was still a female teenager! If straight guys could have even a fleeting attraction towards Potter, then what made you think that she was entirely immune? Heck, the only person that could look at a dripping wet James Potter, with his gorgeous brown locks, slightly sticking to his face like some hot model straight out of the surf in video edited slow motion, and well Quidditched toned body through his near transparent, soaked-through shirt and not be attracted was Dumbledore, with his ever constant, unnaturally cheerful demeanour (and thank Merlin for that too. Having a well over a hundred year old man finding you attractive, even for just a second, was rather unnerving).

Even Lucius, despite his perpetually stony expression, and Severus, despite his undying distain and jealousy towards Potter, both let out a small, choked cough of minor embarassment before returning back to their usual apathetic expressions.

Remus hazarded a guess that James' already overwhelming fangroup was going to increase in both size and obsessiveness over the next couple of weeks or so.

"Oh, and Lily," James started, "Merry Chistmas," he whispered to her.

At that moment, gallons of apple juice rained from the illusionary clouds of the ceiling of the Great Hall.

* * *

**Ha. I was totally stupid when writing this I forgot to write an author note or anything! I was that much of a rush to post after not doing so for well over a month.  
**

**Sorry for the chapter being shorter than usual and for taking so long to update. Main reason for being so slow? Laziness. Main reason for it being so short? Well, part of it was cause I just wanted to end it like how I did, part of it was cause I was lazy and another part of it was just casue I wanted to update after not doing so fo so long, so...yeah...**

**Anyways**, **quick reminder that the poll for you favourite prank in this fic is still up, so please vote if you haven't already. **

**Secondly, I've recently decided beta-ing and have decided that it's kinda fun. So if anyone wants me to beta anything, just PM me and check out my beta profile.**

**Read and Review Please!  
**


	24. Chapter 24

**Date Posted: 30th August 2011  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or anything else that is copyrighted in this fic.**

* * *

James, Sirius and Remus, shuffled through King's Cross Station as quickly and as discretely as they could, or at least as quickly and discretely as one could with Sirius following you. They needed to hurry. They were late. James hastily grabbed the other two and dragged them into the dingy public toilet stalls of Kings Cross Station, locking the door.

"Now, do you two remember what I told you guys?" James asked.

"Yes mother," Sirius droned, rolling his eyes, "It's like, the fifth time you've asked us already since we got off the Hogwarts Express and that was barely a minute ago!"

"This is really important!" James emphasised, "If you stuff this up you'll jeapodise my entire identity as Jasper!" James was almost frantic.

"James," calmed Remus, "as much as I understand why you're concerned, I think Sirius and I have had it explained to us enough already to the point that I'm sure even a four year would start understanding quantum physics, or at least not make any mistakes that will compromise your identity anyway. For certain," he reinforced.

James exhaled deeply, trying to calm himself down.

"Okay, so now let's get on with it." With that, the three of them started glamouring up and James got prepared to meet Lily as Jasper again after a very, very long three and a half months.

* * *

**A few hours earlier...**

"I'm half muggle," James blurted out.

"Cool. Wait, WHAT?" screamed Sirius, looking up from the game of exploding snap he had previously been engaged in with James.

"Well, I'm not _actually_ half muggle, seeing as I'm pureblood and all but I-"

"Half muggle? What do you mean you're half muggle? How can one even be half muggle?"

"I'm not half muggle."

"What? But you just said you were half muggle! What do you mean you're half muggle but not half muggle and a pureblood at the same time?" Sirius' sentences were about as orderly as a troll choreographed ballet.

"No, I'm not half muggle. Why would I be? I'm pureblood."

"B-but! You! Muggle! Half. Pureblood. Muggle. Said. What?"

Ok, so maybe coming out and saying, "I'm half muggle" wasn't exactly the best way to start or explain things (in fact, it sounded like someone was telling their partner they were pregnant or something). But what was he going to say? "Hi, I, you're very best friend James Potter have been keeping the biggest secret from you since like, forever. I was actually raised in the muggle world pretending to be a muggle called Jasper Hartwell since I was born. Oh yeah, by the way, Lily Evan's is actually my best friend. Do you still wanna stay at my house house?"

Yeah right. As if that was going to go well.

"OK. So I know this is kinda hard to understand," James started uncertainly, "but basically, I kinda have to explain something important to you, you know, since you're staying over at my house for the entire school holidays and all."

"Yeah..." said Sirius, raising an uncertain eyebrow, clearly both suspicious and damn well confused at what the hell James had been trying to tell him for the past minute or so.

"Well, the truth is, I'm not actually James Potter - well I am James Potter, but not just the James Potter that you and most other people know me as. You got me so far?"

"Right..." Sirius nodded, obviously not getting a thing.

"You see, the thing is, I wasn't actually raised entirely in the Wizarding World but I'm actually also this guy called Jasper Hartwell, son of Layla and Justin Hartwell, who is supposedly a normal, muggle guy living in muggle Surrey studying in a muggle school and best friends with muggle now-known-to-be-witch Lily Evans. You kinda get me?" asked James.

"Yeah, sure," Sirius said casually, "Crystal."

"Really?" asked James surprisedly.

"Of course not! What the f***? Did I get drunk or accidently spike my drink again 'cause this sure as hell is weird!" Sirius snapped.

James rubbed a hand vigorously through his messy hair as he found himself with a headache trying to explain his alternate identity to Sirius.

Remus sighed and temporarily closed his book. It was always like this; he would get to the good part and have to close his book to help these two bumbling idiots out. Oh if he had a chocolate bar each time this happened...

"What James here, is trying to explain to you, is that when he was little, his parents raised him in the muggle world as well as the wizarding world to let him experience more things and other cultures. In the muggle world he and his parents go by a different name to keep their identity a secret. James here, is known as Jasper Hartwell in the muggle world and happens to be best friends with Lily Evans there. Yes, the same Lily Evans that set James on fire yesterday. Capiche?"

"Wicked! So, you like, talk to people using felefones and drink soft drink all day!"

"Wicked? That's it? You're not going to ask me why I never told you before, or say something like, 'Why did you lie to me for all those years!' or anything?"

"Geez Prongs. I'm your best mate, not married to you. I don't expect you to tell me every little insignificant thing that goes on in your life?" Sirius explained, rolling his eyes as if it were obvious.

"Insignificant? I dunno. Wouldn't most people normally have a whole list of a reactions when their best friend tells them that they've secretly been living a whole other life and never told them a thing? Don't you have _anything_ you want to ask me at all?" Insignificant. According to the mental (and rather limited) dictionary of Dhragonis-Slytherin, the word "insignificant" was used to describe little, trivial things like, homework or pesky little brothers - not an alternate secret identity per say.

"Well, I do have one question I wanna ask..." Sirius trailed.

"Just ask and I'll try my best to answer it for you," James offered, totally surprised at how well Sirius was taking the whole thing.

"What's Lily bra size?"

James choked on thin air and Remus dropped his rather thick and heavily book painfully onto his foot.

"WTF?" exclaimed James, "What the hell is wrong with you Sirius! I tell you I've got a secret identity and the first thing you ask me what Lily's bra size is? Like hell I would know that! Why would you even think that I did?"

"I don't know. You're her best friend right? Don't all women ask their gay best friend for their opinion on the lingerie they want to buy or something like in the movies?"

"Heck no! That's a frikn' movie! I'm not even gay!"

"Naw c'mon! You sure you don't know? 'Cause I got it pinned on a C. It's so hard to tell since she wears such baggy clothing and robes and all."

"How the heck did you know?" James looked a Sirius horrified.

"Skills mate, I've been diagnosing women's bra sizes long before I could even walk," Sirius bragged, "Wait a sec, I thought you said you didn't know!"

"I don't," James defended.

"Then how come you confirmed it when I said it was a C?" said Sirius accusedly.

"I might not, but Jasper does. Lily does her laundry at our house all the time since her washing machine's stuffed," James informed, slightly sheepishly.

"James," interupted Remus, now with a book back at hand, "might I remind you there are more important things for you two to discuss other than Lily's bra size?" He was almost blushing at the leachery of their conversation.

"Ahem," coughed James, "Right there Remus."

Remus merely gave a brief nod of acknowledgement before continuing on with his book whilst James thought of what they were going to have to do to allow both Sirius and Remus to meet Lily without exposing their identity.

"Now let's see...well, first you need a name and background story," said James, "Being my distant cousins should do."

"I will be, Diego Guillermo Devante Renaldo Gonzales III!" claimed Sirius with an abrupt Spanish accent in a much clichéd Hollywood style.

James lowered his head in shame, "Padfoot, mate, lay off the Zoro films. Seriously. You don't look an inch Spanish with your pale British skin."

"Ah Prongs me mate. There's always the option of a fake tan. It's nothing a potion or two won't fix up. Minor details, minor details," he winked in assurance, "Besides, I've been dying to put my sombrero to good use."

"Padfoot," inserted Remus, no longer able to ignore his stupidity, "sombreros are Mexican. Not Spanish. Why in Merlin's name would you need a sombrero anyway. It's England! Not the bloody Sahara!"

"But I owl ordered it all the way from Spain and everything!" argued Sirius, still not getting the fact that there was no way in hell he could pull off being James' cousin from Spain.

"Can you even speak Spanish?"

"No, but neither can anyone else. I can bludge my way through the language already," countered Sirius, "Here listen: Enchanté señorita," he whispered huskily.

Remus either felt like snapping, or totally not caring anymore. "How on Earth did you manage to mix in French and Spanish together in such a short and simple sentence? It was only two words for Merlin's sake!"

"I am a man of many talents," said Sirius, still not dropping the fake Spanish accent.

"Oh, I give up," confessed James, "Why don't we chose something other than Spain."

"China?" asked Sirius hopefully.

"Do you look Chinese Sirius?" James and Remus snapped, "Choose something you can pull of for Merlin's sake! You don't know a thing about China!"

"The Great Wall of China was built by Emperor Nasi Goreng to keep the rabbits out," said Sirius. **(A/N - Hahahahaha! Lol, sorry folks. Aussie joke. Anyone here get it?)**

"No Sirius. I don't even want to know where on Earth you got that one from."

"Candy comes from China?" said Sirius, trying to find another fact.

"Those sweets I gave you last week were from Japan Padfoot, not China," exasperated James. Merlin, he was hopeless!

"Who would have thought. I thought everything was made in China! Well then...Japanese?" Sirius suggested in a Japanese accent.

"No!" exclaimed both James and Remus, "Choose a European country!"

"America?" he spoke with a slight Texan twang.

Remus realised that asking Sirius to think was absolutely a ludicrous idea in the first place. He should of known it would have never worked. Why did he bother asking him in the first place?

"Do we have to frikn' teach you the seven continents of the world before we can establish you an identity? How the hell can you even pull off all these accents in the first place? All I can speak is British!"

"I'm a genius after all. A bit of practice here and there, a movie or two, and voila! I was able to immitate their accents perfectly!"

"I never would have thought you'd put any effort into doing something other than picking up girls. I must admit Sirius, I'm impressed," praised Remus.

"Why thank you very much," he spoke with a French nasally sound, "And that one, I picked up off the news. Their weather lady is hot, hot, HOT!"

James had given up on asking Sirius for ideas, so he shot his own instead. "How about Australia?" suggested James, "It's very multicultural so we don't have to worry about looks and it's far enough away from England that barely anyone knows a thing about them other than they have sharks, kangaroos and actual sand on their beaches instead of rock."

"Perfect!" exclaimed Sirius, "Now I can practice my Australian accent!"

"Eh, Sirus, since when did you ever get an Australian accent in the first place?" questioned Remus.

"I was watching Crocodile Dundee and Steve Irwin wrestle crocs and got interested," he said with a heavy broad accent **(A/N - That's a outbackish type of Australian accent in case you didn't know.)**

"Padfoot, unless you plan on pretending to be my cousin from a cattle station in outback Australia, I don't think that's the best way to talk," said James uncertainly.

"That's fine," said Sirius, "I'll be from a kangaroo breeding farm instead! I've always wanted to ride one!"

**(A/N - Remus would like to inform you that people don't actually breed, ride or own kangaroos in Australia. We hit them with trucks or shoot them for snags (sausages) which are very healthy and low in fat and cholestrol.)**

"It took me a whole week to perfect that accent!" shouted Sirius.

"Why do you bother learning these accents anyway? It's not like you're trying to become an international spy and speak with different accents per country to blend in or something."

Sirius' face lit up. Oh Merlin. Here comes another one of his "bright" ideas again.

"You know what Moony?" he spoke with elevation, "That's a brilliant idea! I could be like, James Bond, except with a broad accent! Wicked!" Sirius assumed bouncing up and down like a hyperactive chimp on a billion too many bananas.

"Accents really are great! Now I can pick up even more chicks!"

"Huh? What does this have to do with picking up chicks?"

"Why do you think I know how to do foreign accents? To pick up chicks of course!"

"Care to explain?" Remus asked, looking slightly bemused and skeptical.

"Merlin Remus, are you really that daft?" and although daft would not be a word one would commonly, if ever, associate with Remus, Sirius seemed to think it was appropriate for the situation.

Sirius continued to explain, "Well, it's simple really. You walk up to a chick, say, 'Bonjour!' or '¡Hola' or 'Ciao' or something and ask for directions with the relevant accent. They will then be so flattered and find you so adorable they'll help you. You can even fake not understanding or ask them to take you there to stretch the time."

Both James and Remus were totally unimpressed with his carefree and cheerful attitude when it came to taking advantage of kind women.

"Even better, you can ask them out for a drink or something, explaining it as a means of thanks. If your lucky they'll say yes. And after that...well, everyone knows what happens when you mix women, alcohol and a hot guy like me," Sirius said, rather full of himself. **(A/N - Sorry to any females who feel insulted! I'm female too...if that makes it any less offensive...Sorry!)**

James and Remus were rather disgusted.

"Do you often decieve women like that?"

"Not really. Say about, 35 to 40 or so a week during the holidays?"

It was official. Sirius Orion Black was the worst enemy of all women.

"How can you stand even looking at yourself in the mirror?" Well...maybe not the best question to ask since it was Sirius but..."Don't you disgusted with yourself for lying to women so casually like that? How long do you string them along, pretending to be some lost and naive foreigner?" asked James.

"It usually only lasts for about 5-10 minutes. But sometimes you get lucky and keep them for the entire day or overnight. The longest one I've had so far was three weeks and two days. I had to pretend to be a relative and send her a letter telling her I had died from pneumocystis pneumonia. Rather clingy that one." He slightly winced at the memory.

"That's terrible!" cried James.

"Oh well, these things happen with guys like me, you get used it. It's only the occasional one or two that are clingy. Nothing to be concerned about," Sirius brushed off casually.

"Not you, you bastard. The poor girl! I can't believe anyone would be cold enough to do that!"

"Don't worry. I sent her my ashes as consolation. Fake of course, from the Leaky Cauldron's fireplace actually, but she doesn't know that of course."

"You sent her your 'ashes'?" exclaimed James.

"Yeah. I told her it was an ancient tradition in Japan to eat the ashes of your dead loved ones."

"Is it?" asked Remus, both slightly grossed out and interested. That poor girl. I wonder if she actually ate it.

"No. Or at least not as far as I'm aware of. I heard about a woman who was addicted to eating her dead husband's ashes the day before and thought it would be interesting." **(A/N - This is actually true.)**

"Why a Japanese tradition though? You don't look an inch Japanese nor do you speak it," asked James.

"Oh, I told her that all of my immediate family was murdered by a mad scientist to have their body parts used as illegal test subjects when I was six. Since then, I've been passed on from relative to relative, orphanage to orphanage. I seem to be cursed as every place I went either had an earthquake or cyclone that killed practically everyone until I was finally adopted by this nice couple in Japan, one of which died the year before from rabbies."

Remus and James just stared at him, until finally, "I don't know whether to call that girl pure and trusting or just plain stupid."

"Oook...well, why don't we get back on subject here," spoke James. "You guys are my distant cousins from Australia. Remus will be Daniel Hayters and Sirius will be Adrian Hayters and you guys can be unidentical twins from the Gold Coast. Good."

"Can I be a Spanish Australian with a Japanese accent then? Australia's multicultural right?"

"No!"

* * *

**Back at Kings Cross Station Real Time**

If one were to have been staking out in front of the male toilets at Kings Cross Station one late June, not that there would be anyone seeing as they would have beeen accused of being a pervert or pedophile, but if there was, they would have noticed three boys, one with light brown hair and two with black, one of which was particularly messy, enter the toilets and never come out. However, in their stead, a blonde and two brunets would have exited and rushed off towards Platform 9¾ to meet a certain Lily Potter.

* * *

**Sorry for not updating in a while (though, I think I tend to say this at the end of every update anyway...so...)**

**I know! I'm so mean. I really was going to continue on and start getting Lily and Jasper to interact, but I got a bit slack and ended up ending it where it did instead. Oh wells, there's always next chapter, so please don't kill me!**

**Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this fic (despite the stupidity of Sirius) and don't for get to click those awesome three words at the bottom of this and REVIEW THIS STORY!**

**That and to vote in the poll if you haven't already. The current scores for your favourite prank fo this fic are:**

1. The "We're gay and looking for new partners" announcement prank thing on Sirius and Remus (Ch13)

11 » 22%

2. Making Malfoy and Snape sing, "Barbie Girl" and the "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows" (Ch8)

7 » 14%

3. The "Dumbledore, Dumbledore, let down your beard!" prank (Ch16)

7 » 14%

4. Turning people's hair a different colour and forcing them to dance to Michael Jackson and Broadway (Ch16)

6 » 12%

5. Locking James' and Lily's hands together (Ch16)

5 » 10%

6. "Sirius, you slept with Snape." (Ch18) Dunno if that counts as a prank, but lets just say it does.

4 » 8%

7. The Griffindor Quidditch Chant (Ch17)

3 » 6%

8. Leeches in the Girls' Lavatory (Ch19)

3 » 6%

9. Making Malfoy wear a dress, Snape a tutu and Geoff a pro-Gryffie shirt and heels (Ch5)

2 » 4%

10. Forcing Malfoy and Snape kiss (Ch6)

2 » 4%

11. The Screaming Door (Ch15)

0 » 0%

12. Turning Geoff Hacksley into an egg vomiting chicken birdman (Ch17)

0 » 0%

**So please vote to keep your favourite prank at the top of the list or to boost it up if it isn't first yet.**


	25. FFN deleting our precious stories

I, along with many, have been writing and posting on your fine site for years now, some of the better examples of up and coming writers out there are are now suddenly finding some of the stories we've come to love at risk of being removed without the chance to even rectify our errors.

For some, that means the permanent loss of a story. While I don't have anything that (I believe) violates your terms of use, there are those out there that are never able to recover a story in it's original form, this is something I find to be almost worthy of a legal action, as while we cannot claim ownership of a character, the stories are OURS and simply destroying them is something that is inexcusable.

It's quite easy to simply add an MA rating, additional filters or even a simple requirement for a free membership to read the stories presented here, and would cut down on hateful anonymous reviews and posts at the same time, so I have to question as to why such a thing, in all this time, simply wasn't added.

If you're worried about falsification of a registration then have an appropriate disclaimer and then there can be no dispute, you took your steps and the PARENTS didn't monitor their children, if that is even your concern. If it is more of a personal view or desire then please at least let people know and give them a chance to remove a story that you and yours find offensive, most people on the site are actually rather cordial when it comes to such requests.

While I cannot say for sure if this letter will even reach those that may be willing to listen, of if it's more akin to a wide spectrum purge in preparation for something bigger, please understand that you are going to be looseing a LARGE number of your writers, and thus your income from a lack of readers if there is not some level of action taken to help with this situation.

For those that may agree with this, please feel free to sign on and send this to the support server, maybe we can get some movement on this.

forum. fanfiction topic/111772/63683250/1/#63698621

Psudocode_Samurai

Rocketman1728

dracohalo117

VFSNAKE

Agato the Venom Host

Jay Frost

SamCrow

Blood Brandy

Dusk666

Hisea Ori

The Dark Graven

BlackRevenant

Lord Orion Salazar Black

Sakusha Saelbu

Horocrux

socras01

Kumo no Makoto

Biskoff

Korraganitar the NightShadow

NightInk

Lazruth

ragnrock kyuubi

SpiritWriterXXX

Ace6151

FleeingReality

Harufu

Exiled crow

Slifer1988

Dee Laynter

Angeldoctor

Final Black Getsuga

ZamielRaizunto

Fenris187

blood enraged

arashiXnoXkami

tstoldt

Mystic 6 tailed Naruto

ElementalMaster16

Dark Vizard447

Darth Void Sage of the Force

Shiso no Kitsune

The Sinful

Kage640

Ihateheroes

swords of twilight

Kyuubi16

darthkamon

narutodragon

bunji the wolf

Cjonwalrus

Killjoy3000

blueexorist

White Whiskey

Ying the Nine Tail Fox

Gin of the wicked smile

tstoldt

The wolf god Fenri

JazzyJ09

sleepers4u

The Unknown 007

Gallantmon228

MKTerra

Gunbladez19

Forgottenkami

RHatch89

SoulKingonCrack

Dreadman75

Knives91

The Lemon Sage

Dark Spidey

VioletTragedies

Eon The Cat of Shadows

kazikamikaze24

animegamemaster6

LLOYDROCKS

demented-squirrel

swords of dawn

The Immoral Flame

blueexorist

Challenger

Shywhitefox

drp83

Bethrezen

Dragon6

bellxross

unweymexicano

The First Kitsukage

kingdom219

brown phantom

littleking9512

kurokamiDG

Auumaan

FrancineBlossom

BDG420

Her Dark Poet

bloodrosepsycho

Shen an Calhar

NarutoMasterSage4040

Masamune X23

Kuromoki

Sliver Lynx

devilzxknight86

Unis Crimson

Zero X Limit

SinX. Retribution

reven228

JAKdaRIPPER

Third Fang

IRAssault

Grumpywinter

absolutezero001

Single Silver Eye

animekingmike

Daniel Lynx

zerohour20xx

arturus

Iseal

Silvdra-Zero

YoukoTaichou

Leonineus

Aragon Potter

Dhragonis-Slytherin


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